Call me crazy, but to be man who prays as if God exists (even if he's not sure he does) seems better than to be a man who doesn't pray yet knows for sure God does exist. The later isn't really a Christian in any meaningful sense. To embody Christianity is more authentic than to simply believe all the right things.
(Disclosure - I used AI to help me with finding a Bible verse that equates faith with patient endurance. Because that's what you've been doing) You might feel like your life is completely out of your control. But remember what Jesus said in Luke 21:19: 'By your patient endurance you will gain your souls.' You don't need a church building to do this. Every day you wake up, love your kids, and refuse to let bitterness break you, you are winning your soul back. You are holding your ground.
Hi Steve - I've been so busy lately that I've been reading EVERYTHING you post, but haven't been commenting, although I've wanted to do so. It is all SO good that it's a genuine bright spot in my day anytime I see that you have new content available, whether that be a new Substack essay or a podcast episode. I especially loved your "Night Shift at A34" story, and I'm not even a sci-fi person. I did not want that story to end, and I hope there is more coming. I know right away if I like a work of fiction, because the characters seem real to me right from the jump, and you certainly achieved that!
My heart breaks for all you have gone through over the past few years, and for what it's worth, I have been praying for you at Mass every Sunday. The honesty with which you convey your struggle with the Faith is both courageous and commendable. Who am I to say so (?), but I imagine that God Himself is equally proud of your refusal to pretend as He is of your refusal to quit calling out to Him for Mercy.
I just plopped down on my couch, which should aptly be named after you because this is where I go to find you...to follow you...and once in awhile, write something back that makes sense.
I hope, deep down, you understand that you are re-living this time last year. And for the duration of this year, you will re-live it.....every single emotional pain. Here's the difference;
You lived through it. You already know how it turned out as opposed to driving Evie, having no idea if you'd make it through the next day to a city or town.
You're not regressing. You're processing last year this time.
The wheels of healing turn very, very slow.
As for the agnostic/praying/lost your faith comments, you're processing that, too.
I don't believe anyone has yet to have words with which to make the pain go away or that would make it all make sense.
But if they did, would you hear them? No. Not yet.
"I can’t imagine a good that could come from a shattered family that could ever outweigh the evil of that destruction."
Do you think 1 human being's existence outweighs the evil of a shattered family?
A child of adultery has no choice in how they are conceived, but once they're an adult, maybe they would be glad to be alive, even though they are sorry about the damage done. "Oh happy fault." :(
Not that you were asking for help imagining...
Example aside, I wonder whether goods and evils can really be weighed against each other this way. Like, how many people does the shattered family need to have in it, before the one person's life doesn't outweigh it anymore? It gets fuzzy.
Steve, your candor in telling your story really draws your readers in. I often come away wanting to tell some of my own story, and respond to yours in the way that long-time friends do. You have allowed us into your world, and we are ALL meaning makers and connection finders (i.e., made in the image of God), so your readers can’t help but find connections between their own experiences and yours.
So when I came across Isaiah 66:1-2 (in 6/4/26 morning prayer, God speaking): “This is the one whom I approve: the lowly and afflicted man...” I thought of you. That verse ends with, “who trembles at my word.” I also thought of you. I am pretty sure that you might consider yourself “lowly and afflicted.” But I have no idea whether at any stage in your life you read the Bible enough for your “connection finder” to kick in. Although I can’t say that I “tremble at his word”, I do sense the living Word getting my attention from time to time through his written word. I agree with the suggestion in an earlier comment that you “take up and read” the scriptures.
But I disagree with advice that you reject Catholicism. Yes, the Catholic church is filled with sinners at the highest levels. Evil and confusion are rampant inside and outside, and truth that should shine is dimmed. BE who you are, an unsettled, praying agnostic. But know that your “job description”, even now that you are living out of the house, hasn’t changed. Your calling includes pointing your children (and even your ex-wife) toward Heaven. If they are still Catholic, headed in the direction of virtue, and aware that they are “lowly” but loved, then cheer them on and try not to let your doubts hamper their progress. Christianity–preferably Catholic Christianity–is the brightest light in the darkness for you and yours. There is a God-Man in charge, paradoxically completely “lowly” while operating behind the scenes with a carte blanche–and the power of an endless life. There will be a last word, and it won’t be yours or mine.
So... you couldn't handle what the Catholic church represented to you. And yet you can't handle nihilism either. Sounds to me like God has something else in mind for you.
"A forge purifies and forms."
Exodus 20:20 Moses said to the people, “Do not fear; for God has come in order to test you, and that His fear may be before your faces, so that you won’t sin.”
The testing in that verse is the forge. The Hebrew word for "test" can refer to being assayed - as in a purifying fire. But isn't it curious how it says "do not fear" and then turns around and says "His fear may be before you". What does that mean?
The Septuagint solved the riddle by translating the “do not fear” part as “be courageous”.
The reason I bring up this up is because it shows how God wanted to show His people something - but nobody could handle it. Instead, they wanted to retreat to where it was safe - and avoid the forge. It shows that all this time, God had something bigger for us - but we can't go there - the forge is too hot. To me, I think He's still waiting.
So here's my paraphrase...
Be courageous and draw near the Lord, for God has come to test and purify you. For when His fearful holiness comes before you – for when you see the majesty of the King of all Kings before your very faces – you will be changed – for His power and might are beyond imagining – and you will know that truly nothing can be hidden from Him – for all the blemishes of your flesh will be clearly seen – and you will know what He requires of you – and what He expects you to die to. For by coming face to face with the Refiner’s fire – sin, the desires of the flesh, and all excuses will be burned away.
> "See, I know that faith isn’t just having some tingly feeling about God. It requires intellectual assent, it has to be lived, and it requires obligation, duty, and a reasonable degree of certainty." <
Ugh no wonder it's not working for you. 😂 Such onerous terms, such a negative view! My priest retches at the term "obligation."
As a man of deep faith, I'd argue first for _trust_. Trust that God is good. Trust that he loves you. Trust in what he revealed (I'm thinking of his counsel, the commandments) and that it's for your ultimate happiness, and not only in the life to come. "Jesus, I trust in you" is the message of the Divine Mercy devotion.
Then I'd argue for _surrender_. Accepting what God allows or positively wills as oriented toward your healing and good. Let God do his work in your life.
I think faith involves accepting things we _aren't_ certain about, but because God has revealed them, and we trust God, we accept them.
Recently I came across the most amazing statement: "The true work of theology is to heal people." That's what the faith is all about! Sometimes that healing takes a long time and involves suffering. Sometimes it doesn't take on the form we expect. But God does want you healed.
Don't forget love. Do you love God? He loves you and is burning with desire for you to accept and return that love. It's surprisingly simple. If you don't want to love Jesus, then pray to want to love Jesus; it's a start.
"Obligation" sounds like something you don't want to do but do it anyway because it's expected or required. "Duty" is similar in tone; there is no joy in it, no love affair, no heart, just grind. Is that your image of faith?
Maybe you need a heart transplant! (Ezekiel 36:26). Pray over this verse. Humbly ask for a heart that feels ardor for God instead of "duty" and "obligation." Pray to be a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).
A book that's worth reading is "I Believe In Love" by Father C.J. d'Elbeé. It presents a very healing view of faith, an antidote I think to what you were raised in. Another good book is Searching For and Maintaining Peace by Father Jacques Philippe. Very transformative.
You were involved in a gross distortion of authentic Catholic faith. It will require time to undo the damage it did.
Thanks for taking the time to write all this, Eric. Please understand that my reply that follows is not meant to be flippant or disrespectful in any way. You’re asking searching questions, so I’m giving honest answers. My experience of religion is largely tied up with pain.
You said, “I think faith involves accepting things we aren't certain about, but because God has revealed them, and we trust God, we accept them.”
But where does the trust come from? Trust is earned. It’s not just granted ex nihilo.
“Recently I came across the most amazing statement: ‘The true work of theology is to heal people.’ That's what the faith is all about! Sometimes that healing takes a long time and involves suffering. Sometimes it doesn't take on the form we expect. But God does want you healed.”
I love the sound of this, but I don’t see a lot of evidence for this assertion in most of the catechisms, the councils, the devotional writings of the saints, etc. There’s so much focus on the embrace of suffering, the fewness of the saved, and so on, it almost feels like we’re being gaslit when we’re told, “But oh, by the way, God is love.”
“Don't forget love. Do you love God?”
No, I don’t think I do. I think I once loved the idea of loving God, but I can’t say that much of anything I’ve encountered makes him seem lovable.
“He loves you and is burning with desire for you to accept and return that love.”
So I keep hearing. Yet when I beg him for help, wisdom, faith, understanding, and consolation in the midst of devastating grief, I get nothing.
“If you don't want to love Jesus, then pray to want to love Jesus; it's a start.”
I have done so. Countless times. Begged him to help me see whatever I’m missing and just love him. The lack of answer only fuels my doubt.
“‘Obligation’ sounds like something you don't want to do but do it anyway because it's expected or required. ‘Duty’ is similar in tone; there is no joy in it, no love affair, no heart, just grind. Is that your image of faith?”
Yes. That is my image of faith. That is the image that has come out of the scriptures, the catechisms, the lives of the saints, etc. God demands. We are nothing before him. We have no right to ask for explanations, we are only to submit to his will. We can never understand his mind so we have no right to say things don’t make sense. Pay, pray and obey. Meet the precepts. Fulfill the obligations. Do the thing. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll feel something authentic about all of it.
I appreciate the book recommendations. I read Philippe’s “Interior Freedom” long ago, and I liked it at the time, though my life later seemed to contradict it at almost every turn. But I’ll look these up.
I don’t want to live without faith. I just want a faith that makes sense and a God I believe actually loves me, and who is a God I am inclined to love, not cowed into “loving.”
Steve, as a former Catholic myself, I urge you to forget about Catholicism entirely. It has neither moral nor theological credibility. You are right in calling it a prison because that is what it was designed to be by a clerical class that has usurped God’s prerogatives for its own.
If you want to reconnect with God somehow, someway, start by reading the gospels with fresh eyes. Start by reading the gospel of John. It’s the one in which Jesus most clearly proclaims his messianic ministry. I’m not saying that you have to do this right now. But at some point, please consider doing that. Until you do, a lot of the questions you have will remain unresolved. That doesn’t mean you won’t have more questions or that you’ll never stop having questions. But at least reading the gospels with fresh eyes could provide the foundation you’re looking for to address some of those other questions..
Call me crazy, but to be man who prays as if God exists (even if he's not sure he does) seems better than to be a man who doesn't pray yet knows for sure God does exist. The later isn't really a Christian in any meaningful sense. To embody Christianity is more authentic than to simply believe all the right things.
(Disclosure - I used AI to help me with finding a Bible verse that equates faith with patient endurance. Because that's what you've been doing) You might feel like your life is completely out of your control. But remember what Jesus said in Luke 21:19: 'By your patient endurance you will gain your souls.' You don't need a church building to do this. Every day you wake up, love your kids, and refuse to let bitterness break you, you are winning your soul back. You are holding your ground.
Hi Steve - I've been so busy lately that I've been reading EVERYTHING you post, but haven't been commenting, although I've wanted to do so. It is all SO good that it's a genuine bright spot in my day anytime I see that you have new content available, whether that be a new Substack essay or a podcast episode. I especially loved your "Night Shift at A34" story, and I'm not even a sci-fi person. I did not want that story to end, and I hope there is more coming. I know right away if I like a work of fiction, because the characters seem real to me right from the jump, and you certainly achieved that!
My heart breaks for all you have gone through over the past few years, and for what it's worth, I have been praying for you at Mass every Sunday. The honesty with which you convey your struggle with the Faith is both courageous and commendable. Who am I to say so (?), but I imagine that God Himself is equally proud of your refusal to pretend as He is of your refusal to quit calling out to Him for Mercy.
Thank you, Ann!
I think this is actually progress. I’m glad to hear it.
I just plopped down on my couch, which should aptly be named after you because this is where I go to find you...to follow you...and once in awhile, write something back that makes sense.
I hope, deep down, you understand that you are re-living this time last year. And for the duration of this year, you will re-live it.....every single emotional pain. Here's the difference;
You lived through it. You already know how it turned out as opposed to driving Evie, having no idea if you'd make it through the next day to a city or town.
You're not regressing. You're processing last year this time.
The wheels of healing turn very, very slow.
As for the agnostic/praying/lost your faith comments, you're processing that, too.
I don't believe anyone has yet to have words with which to make the pain go away or that would make it all make sense.
But if they did, would you hear them? No. Not yet.
"I can’t imagine a good that could come from a shattered family that could ever outweigh the evil of that destruction."
Do you think 1 human being's existence outweighs the evil of a shattered family?
A child of adultery has no choice in how they are conceived, but once they're an adult, maybe they would be glad to be alive, even though they are sorry about the damage done. "Oh happy fault." :(
Not that you were asking for help imagining...
Example aside, I wonder whether goods and evils can really be weighed against each other this way. Like, how many people does the shattered family need to have in it, before the one person's life doesn't outweigh it anymore? It gets fuzzy.
Steve, your candor in telling your story really draws your readers in. I often come away wanting to tell some of my own story, and respond to yours in the way that long-time friends do. You have allowed us into your world, and we are ALL meaning makers and connection finders (i.e., made in the image of God), so your readers can’t help but find connections between their own experiences and yours.
So when I came across Isaiah 66:1-2 (in 6/4/26 morning prayer, God speaking): “This is the one whom I approve: the lowly and afflicted man...” I thought of you. That verse ends with, “who trembles at my word.” I also thought of you. I am pretty sure that you might consider yourself “lowly and afflicted.” But I have no idea whether at any stage in your life you read the Bible enough for your “connection finder” to kick in. Although I can’t say that I “tremble at his word”, I do sense the living Word getting my attention from time to time through his written word. I agree with the suggestion in an earlier comment that you “take up and read” the scriptures.
But I disagree with advice that you reject Catholicism. Yes, the Catholic church is filled with sinners at the highest levels. Evil and confusion are rampant inside and outside, and truth that should shine is dimmed. BE who you are, an unsettled, praying agnostic. But know that your “job description”, even now that you are living out of the house, hasn’t changed. Your calling includes pointing your children (and even your ex-wife) toward Heaven. If they are still Catholic, headed in the direction of virtue, and aware that they are “lowly” but loved, then cheer them on and try not to let your doubts hamper their progress. Christianity–preferably Catholic Christianity–is the brightest light in the darkness for you and yours. There is a God-Man in charge, paradoxically completely “lowly” while operating behind the scenes with a carte blanche–and the power of an endless life. There will be a last word, and it won’t be yours or mine.
So... you couldn't handle what the Catholic church represented to you. And yet you can't handle nihilism either. Sounds to me like God has something else in mind for you.
"A forge purifies and forms."
Exodus 20:20 Moses said to the people, “Do not fear; for God has come in order to test you, and that His fear may be before your faces, so that you won’t sin.”
The testing in that verse is the forge. The Hebrew word for "test" can refer to being assayed - as in a purifying fire. But isn't it curious how it says "do not fear" and then turns around and says "His fear may be before you". What does that mean?
The Septuagint solved the riddle by translating the “do not fear” part as “be courageous”.
The reason I bring up this up is because it shows how God wanted to show His people something - but nobody could handle it. Instead, they wanted to retreat to where it was safe - and avoid the forge. It shows that all this time, God had something bigger for us - but we can't go there - the forge is too hot. To me, I think He's still waiting.
So here's my paraphrase...
Be courageous and draw near the Lord, for God has come to test and purify you. For when His fearful holiness comes before you – for when you see the majesty of the King of all Kings before your very faces – you will be changed – for His power and might are beyond imagining – and you will know that truly nothing can be hidden from Him – for all the blemishes of your flesh will be clearly seen – and you will know what He requires of you – and what He expects you to die to. For by coming face to face with the Refiner’s fire – sin, the desires of the flesh, and all excuses will be burned away.
For me, the forge is terribly real.
> "See, I know that faith isn’t just having some tingly feeling about God. It requires intellectual assent, it has to be lived, and it requires obligation, duty, and a reasonable degree of certainty." <
Ugh no wonder it's not working for you. 😂 Such onerous terms, such a negative view! My priest retches at the term "obligation."
As a man of deep faith, I'd argue first for _trust_. Trust that God is good. Trust that he loves you. Trust in what he revealed (I'm thinking of his counsel, the commandments) and that it's for your ultimate happiness, and not only in the life to come. "Jesus, I trust in you" is the message of the Divine Mercy devotion.
Then I'd argue for _surrender_. Accepting what God allows or positively wills as oriented toward your healing and good. Let God do his work in your life.
I think faith involves accepting things we _aren't_ certain about, but because God has revealed them, and we trust God, we accept them.
Recently I came across the most amazing statement: "The true work of theology is to heal people." That's what the faith is all about! Sometimes that healing takes a long time and involves suffering. Sometimes it doesn't take on the form we expect. But God does want you healed.
Don't forget love. Do you love God? He loves you and is burning with desire for you to accept and return that love. It's surprisingly simple. If you don't want to love Jesus, then pray to want to love Jesus; it's a start.
"Obligation" sounds like something you don't want to do but do it anyway because it's expected or required. "Duty" is similar in tone; there is no joy in it, no love affair, no heart, just grind. Is that your image of faith?
Maybe you need a heart transplant! (Ezekiel 36:26). Pray over this verse. Humbly ask for a heart that feels ardor for God instead of "duty" and "obligation." Pray to be a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).
A book that's worth reading is "I Believe In Love" by Father C.J. d'Elbeé. It presents a very healing view of faith, an antidote I think to what you were raised in. Another good book is Searching For and Maintaining Peace by Father Jacques Philippe. Very transformative.
You were involved in a gross distortion of authentic Catholic faith. It will require time to undo the damage it did.
Thanks for taking the time to write all this, Eric. Please understand that my reply that follows is not meant to be flippant or disrespectful in any way. You’re asking searching questions, so I’m giving honest answers. My experience of religion is largely tied up with pain.
You said, “I think faith involves accepting things we aren't certain about, but because God has revealed them, and we trust God, we accept them.”
But where does the trust come from? Trust is earned. It’s not just granted ex nihilo.
“Recently I came across the most amazing statement: ‘The true work of theology is to heal people.’ That's what the faith is all about! Sometimes that healing takes a long time and involves suffering. Sometimes it doesn't take on the form we expect. But God does want you healed.”
I love the sound of this, but I don’t see a lot of evidence for this assertion in most of the catechisms, the councils, the devotional writings of the saints, etc. There’s so much focus on the embrace of suffering, the fewness of the saved, and so on, it almost feels like we’re being gaslit when we’re told, “But oh, by the way, God is love.”
“Don't forget love. Do you love God?”
No, I don’t think I do. I think I once loved the idea of loving God, but I can’t say that much of anything I’ve encountered makes him seem lovable.
“He loves you and is burning with desire for you to accept and return that love.”
So I keep hearing. Yet when I beg him for help, wisdom, faith, understanding, and consolation in the midst of devastating grief, I get nothing.
“If you don't want to love Jesus, then pray to want to love Jesus; it's a start.”
I have done so. Countless times. Begged him to help me see whatever I’m missing and just love him. The lack of answer only fuels my doubt.
“‘Obligation’ sounds like something you don't want to do but do it anyway because it's expected or required. ‘Duty’ is similar in tone; there is no joy in it, no love affair, no heart, just grind. Is that your image of faith?”
Yes. That is my image of faith. That is the image that has come out of the scriptures, the catechisms, the lives of the saints, etc. God demands. We are nothing before him. We have no right to ask for explanations, we are only to submit to his will. We can never understand his mind so we have no right to say things don’t make sense. Pay, pray and obey. Meet the precepts. Fulfill the obligations. Do the thing. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll feel something authentic about all of it.
I appreciate the book recommendations. I read Philippe’s “Interior Freedom” long ago, and I liked it at the time, though my life later seemed to contradict it at almost every turn. But I’ll look these up.
I don’t want to live without faith. I just want a faith that makes sense and a God I believe actually loves me, and who is a God I am inclined to love, not cowed into “loving.”
Steve, as a former Catholic myself, I urge you to forget about Catholicism entirely. It has neither moral nor theological credibility. You are right in calling it a prison because that is what it was designed to be by a clerical class that has usurped God’s prerogatives for its own.
If you want to reconnect with God somehow, someway, start by reading the gospels with fresh eyes. Start by reading the gospel of John. It’s the one in which Jesus most clearly proclaims his messianic ministry. I’m not saying that you have to do this right now. But at some point, please consider doing that. Until you do, a lot of the questions you have will remain unresolved. That doesn’t mean you won’t have more questions or that you’ll never stop having questions. But at least reading the gospels with fresh eyes could provide the foundation you’re looking for to address some of those other questions..