Call me crazy, but to be man who prays as if God exists (even if he's not sure he does) seems better than to be a man who doesn't pray yet knows for sure God does exist. The later isn't really a Christian in any meaningful sense. To embody Christianity is more authentic than to simply believe all the right things.
(Disclosure - I used AI to help me with finding a Bible verse that equates faith with patient endurance. Because that's what you've been doing) You might feel like your life is completely out of your control. But remember what Jesus said in Luke 21:19: 'By your patient endurance you will gain your souls.' You don't need a church building to do this. Every day you wake up, love your kids, and refuse to let bitterness break you, you are winning your soul back. You are holding your ground.
Hi Steve - I've been so busy lately that I've been reading EVERYTHING you post, but haven't been commenting, although I've wanted to do so. It is all SO good that it's a genuine bright spot in my day anytime I see that you have new content available, whether that be a new Substack essay or a podcast episode. I especially loved your "Night Shift at A34" story, and I'm not even a sci-fi person. I did not want that story to end, and I hope there is more coming. I know right away if I like a work of fiction, because the characters seem real to me right from the jump, and you certainly achieved that!
My heart breaks for all you have gone through over the past few years, and for what it's worth, I have been praying for you at Mass every Sunday. The honesty with which you convey your struggle with the Faith is both courageous and commendable. Who am I to say so (?), but I imagine that God Himself is equally proud of your refusal to pretend as He is of your refusal to quit calling out to Him for Mercy.
I just plopped down on my couch, which should aptly be named after you because this is where I go to find you...to follow you...and once in awhile, write something back that makes sense.
I hope, deep down, you understand that you are re-living this time last year. And for the duration of this year, you will re-live it.....every single emotional pain. Here's the difference;
You lived through it. You already know how it turned out as opposed to driving Evie, having no idea if you'd make it through the next day to a city or town.
You're not regressing. You're processing last year this time.
The wheels of healing turn very, very slow.
As for the agnostic/praying/lost your faith comments, you're processing that, too.
I don't believe anyone has yet to have words with which to make the pain go away or that would make it all make sense.
But if they did, would you hear them? No. Not yet.
"I can’t imagine a good that could come from a shattered family that could ever outweigh the evil of that destruction."
Do you think 1 human being's existence outweighs the evil of a shattered family?
A child of adultery has no choice in how they are conceived, but once they're an adult, maybe they would be glad to be alive, even though they are sorry about the damage done. "Oh happy fault." :(
Not that you were asking for help imagining...
Example aside, I wonder whether goods and evils can really be weighed against each other this way. Like, how many people does the shattered family need to have in it, before the one person's life doesn't outweigh it anymore? It gets fuzzy.
Steve, your candor in telling your story really draws your readers in. I often come away wanting to tell some of my own story, and respond to yours in the way that long-time friends do. You have allowed us into your world, and we are ALL meaning makers and connection finders (i.e., made in the image of God), so your readers can’t help but find connections between their own experiences and yours.
So when I came across Isaiah 66:1-2 (in 6/4/26 morning prayer, God speaking): “This is the one whom I approve: the lowly and afflicted man...” I thought of you. That verse ends with, “who trembles at my word.” I also thought of you. I am pretty sure that you might consider yourself “lowly and afflicted.” But I have no idea whether at any stage in your life you read the Bible enough for your “connection finder” to kick in. Although I can’t say that I “tremble at his word”, I do sense the living Word getting my attention from time to time through his written word. I agree with the suggestion in an earlier comment that you “take up and read” the scriptures.
But I disagree with advice that you reject Catholicism. Yes, the Catholic church is filled with sinners at the highest levels. Evil and confusion are rampant inside and outside, and truth that should shine is dimmed. BE who you are, an unsettled, praying agnostic. But know that your “job description”, even now that you are living out of the house, hasn’t changed. Your calling includes pointing your children (and even your ex-wife) toward Heaven. If they are still Catholic, headed in the direction of virtue, and aware that they are “lowly” but loved, then cheer them on and try not to let your doubts hamper their progress. Christianity–preferably Catholic Christianity–is the brightest light in the darkness for you and yours. There is a God-Man in charge, paradoxically completely “lowly” while operating behind the scenes with a carte blanche–and the power of an endless life. There will be a last word, and it won’t be yours or mine.
So... you couldn't handle what the Catholic church represented to you. And yet you can't handle nihilism either. Sounds to me like God has something else in mind for you.
"A forge purifies and forms."
Exodus 20:20 Moses said to the people, “Do not fear; for God has come in order to test you, and that His fear may be before your faces, so that you won’t sin.”
The testing in that verse is the forge. The Hebrew word for "test" can refer to being assayed - as in a purifying fire. But isn't it curious how it says "do not fear" and then turns around and says "His fear may be before you". What does that mean?
The Septuagint solved the riddle by translating the “do not fear” part as “be courageous”.
The reason I bring up this up is because it shows how God wanted to show His people something - but nobody could handle it. Instead, they wanted to retreat to where it was safe - and avoid the forge. It shows that all this time, God had something bigger for us - but we can't go there - the forge is too hot. To me, I think He's still waiting.
So here's my paraphrase...
Be courageous and draw near the Lord, for God has come to test and purify you. For when His fearful holiness comes before you – for when you see the majesty of the King of all Kings before your very faces – you will be changed – for His power and might are beyond imagining – and you will know that truly nothing can be hidden from Him – for all the blemishes of your flesh will be clearly seen – and you will know what He requires of you – and what He expects you to die to. For by coming face to face with the Refiner’s fire – sin, the desires of the flesh, and all excuses will be burned away.
Steve, as a former Catholic myself, I urge you to forget about Catholicism entirely. It has neither moral nor theological credibility. You are right in calling it a prison because that is what it was designed to be by a clerical class that has usurped God’s prerogatives for its own.
If you want to reconnect with God somehow, someway, start by reading the gospels with fresh eyes. Start by reading the gospel of John. It’s the one in which Jesus most clearly proclaims his messianic ministry. I’m not saying that you have to do this right now. But at some point, please consider doing that. Until you do, a lot of the questions you have will remain unresolved. That doesn’t mean you won’t have more questions or that you’ll never stop having questions. But at least reading the gospels with fresh eyes could provide the foundation you’re looking for to address some of those other questions..
Call me crazy, but to be man who prays as if God exists (even if he's not sure he does) seems better than to be a man who doesn't pray yet knows for sure God does exist. The later isn't really a Christian in any meaningful sense. To embody Christianity is more authentic than to simply believe all the right things.
(Disclosure - I used AI to help me with finding a Bible verse that equates faith with patient endurance. Because that's what you've been doing) You might feel like your life is completely out of your control. But remember what Jesus said in Luke 21:19: 'By your patient endurance you will gain your souls.' You don't need a church building to do this. Every day you wake up, love your kids, and refuse to let bitterness break you, you are winning your soul back. You are holding your ground.
Hi Steve - I've been so busy lately that I've been reading EVERYTHING you post, but haven't been commenting, although I've wanted to do so. It is all SO good that it's a genuine bright spot in my day anytime I see that you have new content available, whether that be a new Substack essay or a podcast episode. I especially loved your "Night Shift at A34" story, and I'm not even a sci-fi person. I did not want that story to end, and I hope there is more coming. I know right away if I like a work of fiction, because the characters seem real to me right from the jump, and you certainly achieved that!
My heart breaks for all you have gone through over the past few years, and for what it's worth, I have been praying for you at Mass every Sunday. The honesty with which you convey your struggle with the Faith is both courageous and commendable. Who am I to say so (?), but I imagine that God Himself is equally proud of your refusal to pretend as He is of your refusal to quit calling out to Him for Mercy.
Thank you, Ann!
I think this is actually progress. I’m glad to hear it.
I just plopped down on my couch, which should aptly be named after you because this is where I go to find you...to follow you...and once in awhile, write something back that makes sense.
I hope, deep down, you understand that you are re-living this time last year. And for the duration of this year, you will re-live it.....every single emotional pain. Here's the difference;
You lived through it. You already know how it turned out as opposed to driving Evie, having no idea if you'd make it through the next day to a city or town.
You're not regressing. You're processing last year this time.
The wheels of healing turn very, very slow.
As for the agnostic/praying/lost your faith comments, you're processing that, too.
I don't believe anyone has yet to have words with which to make the pain go away or that would make it all make sense.
But if they did, would you hear them? No. Not yet.
"I can’t imagine a good that could come from a shattered family that could ever outweigh the evil of that destruction."
Do you think 1 human being's existence outweighs the evil of a shattered family?
A child of adultery has no choice in how they are conceived, but once they're an adult, maybe they would be glad to be alive, even though they are sorry about the damage done. "Oh happy fault." :(
Not that you were asking for help imagining...
Example aside, I wonder whether goods and evils can really be weighed against each other this way. Like, how many people does the shattered family need to have in it, before the one person's life doesn't outweigh it anymore? It gets fuzzy.
Steve, your candor in telling your story really draws your readers in. I often come away wanting to tell some of my own story, and respond to yours in the way that long-time friends do. You have allowed us into your world, and we are ALL meaning makers and connection finders (i.e., made in the image of God), so your readers can’t help but find connections between their own experiences and yours.
So when I came across Isaiah 66:1-2 (in 6/4/26 morning prayer, God speaking): “This is the one whom I approve: the lowly and afflicted man...” I thought of you. That verse ends with, “who trembles at my word.” I also thought of you. I am pretty sure that you might consider yourself “lowly and afflicted.” But I have no idea whether at any stage in your life you read the Bible enough for your “connection finder” to kick in. Although I can’t say that I “tremble at his word”, I do sense the living Word getting my attention from time to time through his written word. I agree with the suggestion in an earlier comment that you “take up and read” the scriptures.
But I disagree with advice that you reject Catholicism. Yes, the Catholic church is filled with sinners at the highest levels. Evil and confusion are rampant inside and outside, and truth that should shine is dimmed. BE who you are, an unsettled, praying agnostic. But know that your “job description”, even now that you are living out of the house, hasn’t changed. Your calling includes pointing your children (and even your ex-wife) toward Heaven. If they are still Catholic, headed in the direction of virtue, and aware that they are “lowly” but loved, then cheer them on and try not to let your doubts hamper their progress. Christianity–preferably Catholic Christianity–is the brightest light in the darkness for you and yours. There is a God-Man in charge, paradoxically completely “lowly” while operating behind the scenes with a carte blanche–and the power of an endless life. There will be a last word, and it won’t be yours or mine.
So... you couldn't handle what the Catholic church represented to you. And yet you can't handle nihilism either. Sounds to me like God has something else in mind for you.
"A forge purifies and forms."
Exodus 20:20 Moses said to the people, “Do not fear; for God has come in order to test you, and that His fear may be before your faces, so that you won’t sin.”
The testing in that verse is the forge. The Hebrew word for "test" can refer to being assayed - as in a purifying fire. But isn't it curious how it says "do not fear" and then turns around and says "His fear may be before you". What does that mean?
The Septuagint solved the riddle by translating the “do not fear” part as “be courageous”.
The reason I bring up this up is because it shows how God wanted to show His people something - but nobody could handle it. Instead, they wanted to retreat to where it was safe - and avoid the forge. It shows that all this time, God had something bigger for us - but we can't go there - the forge is too hot. To me, I think He's still waiting.
So here's my paraphrase...
Be courageous and draw near the Lord, for God has come to test and purify you. For when His fearful holiness comes before you – for when you see the majesty of the King of all Kings before your very faces – you will be changed – for His power and might are beyond imagining – and you will know that truly nothing can be hidden from Him – for all the blemishes of your flesh will be clearly seen – and you will know what He requires of you – and what He expects you to die to. For by coming face to face with the Refiner’s fire – sin, the desires of the flesh, and all excuses will be burned away.
For me, the forge is terribly real.
Steve, as a former Catholic myself, I urge you to forget about Catholicism entirely. It has neither moral nor theological credibility. You are right in calling it a prison because that is what it was designed to be by a clerical class that has usurped God’s prerogatives for its own.
If you want to reconnect with God somehow, someway, start by reading the gospels with fresh eyes. Start by reading the gospel of John. It’s the one in which Jesus most clearly proclaims his messianic ministry. I’m not saying that you have to do this right now. But at some point, please consider doing that. Until you do, a lot of the questions you have will remain unresolved. That doesn’t mean you won’t have more questions or that you’ll never stop having questions. But at least reading the gospels with fresh eyes could provide the foundation you’re looking for to address some of those other questions..