For Eli, Someday

When I come to see you

You break into that big smile

And stretch your tiny arms up towards me

And I lift you like a feather.

I teach you to play catch

You show me all your legos

And you cling to me on the couch

As we watch our favorite shows.

But I can’t be there anymore each night

To tuck you in

Or brush your teeth

Or read you bedtime stories

Or lie with you until you drift to sleep.

And I can’t calm you when your feelings

Become bigger than your little body can hold.

And I can’t teach you

In language that goes deeper than words

That your dad is always there for you

Because most of the time I have to be somewhere you can’t see.

So I show up as a mere visitor

Wearing a smile like a mask

And when I hug you I always squeeze too tight

And hold on for just a little too long

Until you start to squirm free.

And on the nights you fall asleep before I go

I kiss your little head and whisper how much I love you

And I get in the car and go back

To a home that isn’t

Choking on tears you’ll never see.

Will you know how much you mean to me?

How many of your daily moments I didn’t want to miss?

Will you grow to resent me?

Will you demand to know where I was all that time?

Will you disregard my counsel

Because I wasn’t there to earn my place?

I’ve finally stopped looking for you in the bed next to me in my sleep

No longer scooting you out from under me as I turn

Or reaching to grasp your tiny hand

And I wonder who I’ll be in your eyes

When the years I should have been closest to you

Have all passed us by.

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