You sure are a good writer. I hope at some point you compile these posts into a book for other divorcing/divorced spouses. This has now become, sadly, a common experience and it's encouraging for others to read that they're not the only ones going through such a hellscape.
My divorce was the most rotten experience of my life -- and that's from someone who lost her mother at age nine. I feel ya. However, my children have given me incredible joy. I'm sure it will be the same for you.
Some of your best writing. I’ve been following, cheering and praying for you for years. I’m praying for your marriage. There’s nothing Jesus can’t fix. I have the scars and the stories.
Going in the opposite direction of unrelenting emotional pain, Steve, is for that brief time, a positive for the most part.
It's when you turn back that things begin to get real. But the difference is, as I followed every word of this post, a certain clarity of thought which, however painful, is present in your words. And this is good.
Introspection is more defined now and contains glimpses of hope. The greatest suffering becomes uncertainty but present is the underlying current of a more confident man.
Looking from the outside in is much more enlightening than from the inside out. I see positives.
Quote: "Would I become a ghost, a golem, a shadow of my former self... Or would some new version of me find a way to emerge, strong enough to become indomitable?"
You say this as if you have no say in the matter. But really, it's entirely up to you. What do you really want? Sure, you may fear becoming a ghost, but you don't have to if you don't want to. For me, this isn't so much a matter of strength, but of will. Are you ready to throw in the towel? Or - hurt and bruised as you are - are you ready to figure out the path that leads to hope and a future?
Read the Psalms. Seriously. Read David's laments. The thing is, he never stays there.
It doesn't matter how alone you feel. It doesn't matter how dark the night seems. Life Himself has entered the deepest depths of hell, and conquered them. Light has entered darkness, and darkness has not overcome Him.
I have not entered your hell brother, but Christ has and is with you now. The promise of Christ is this: anyone can leave hell and begin the winding road to Paradise even in this life. The agony and aloneness can be washed away. The eyes of our souls, clouded by the mud we and the world have slapped into them, can be cleared.
I want to tell you the hell I was saved from brother, if only to show you that someone a thousand times more wicked than you can be pulled from the pit of anguish you find yourself in. It is my hope that this will give you solace when the dark nights come.
I was a Protestant, but because I'd fallen in love with pornography I fell away immediately after being confirmed. Every time I gave myself over to sexual sin the feeling of God's presence weakened until finally I had so dulled my senses I couldn't sense Him anywhere anymore. I had gouged out my eyes, was it any wonder I couldn't see?
I wallowed in scientific atheism for decades, falling into ever deepening pits of hell and pulling the rest of my brothers and sisters with me. I summoned hundreds of thousands of demons into this world through my sexual sin. I infested thousands of people with demons through vile sex acts I won't recount. My guardian angel wept from a distance as the day of my destruction drew near.
One night ten years into this fall, when the bowls of my iniquity were full, I had an encounter with a witch. I scoffed at her, thinking there was no such thing. Magic wasn't real, demons weren't real, it was all fairy tales from a bygone age. I was an easy mark.
I fell into hell on earth. Demons appeared as puffs of smoke, entering people's bedrooms at night and causing them to wail in agony. When I tried to tend the soil it would burn my skin. I felt demons enter my own body and begin saying horrific things to those around me. It was a hopeless hell.
A single thought fluttered through my mind one night, "If magic is real, and demons are real..." I finished the thought, "then God must be real. God help me!"
I had a vision of the innocent youths slain by Herod for Christ's sake interceding before the throne of God on my behalf. It was a rocky journey, but I was led as if by the hand out of that hell and into the Eastern Orthodox Church. Here I've found the home I'd always craved but could never find.
Brother. Please consider visiting an Eastern Orthodox Monastery if you haven't. There are many monks that have found the path of Paradise through the cinders of their earthly lives.
A Saint I think in particular wants to aid you is Abba Paul, here is a video about him that I hope gives you solace.
Did we get a picture of Evie and I missed it or forgot? What exactly is the car model if I may be so inquisitive? I've never bought a new car and never will, but I do my homework before I buy used. There are ways of meeting people--I've reached out quite a bit because I'm retired but my hubby is not (and he works a lot) and I'm a type of empty nester (long story). I'll make some suggestions here: if you go to the library, there is usually a book club. Those are a lot of fun. I just finished reading (apart from the book club) James Paterson's "Honeymoon" which I could not put down, but I had to skip a lot of the dirty stuff (this is so tiresome--I don't need that stuff, it's stuffed into every piece of media today and "literature"). The other aspect of the library is there are often rooms you can reserve say to tutor the kids if you need to do that and can't find a good free venue. Then there are various civic organizations like the Moose Lodge and the Elks, do-gooder type places. One can join a local political club, but my sense is you don't care for politics that much. You seem to get along extraordinarily well with priests. So you could consider joining the Parish Council or the Knights of Columbus or the Choir. I think it's very hard to be a priest, especially now with Rogue Pope #2 doing strange things that upset everyone all the time, so any morale support one can give clergy is important because many priests are watching the Vatican antics in a state of dread and despair. I have gotten involved in the church's CCW (Catholic Council of Women) in my local FL parish (I'm less active in PA and NYC) and this church is very active with huge parishioner participation in various charitable efforts. It's important to have a plan for each day. Try to write down: short term goals, mid-range and long range goals. Then make a written list each day and when one's mind wanders, go back to the list. I know, this sounds insipid, but if one is trying to juggle many things (as you are) across short-, mid- and long-range goals, it is easy to lose track of what to do next. Then keep a minder on your time--the internet is like a black hole of space (if one lets it be). I love youtube, but I use it a lot as "background" noise to create a bustling work environment. Frankly, the news is so awful, I have to just take it all with a grain a salt and figure "God's got this." God's got everything.
Good luck. The travel logs have been great and the pictures wonderful. These are places many of us will never see. No time, no energy, and not enough money for that extensive of travel. Thanks for taking us along.
You sure are a good writer. I hope at some point you compile these posts into a book for other divorcing/divorced spouses. This has now become, sadly, a common experience and it's encouraging for others to read that they're not the only ones going through such a hellscape.
My divorce was the most rotten experience of my life -- and that's from someone who lost her mother at age nine. I feel ya. However, my children have given me incredible joy. I'm sure it will be the same for you.
Some of your best writing. I’ve been following, cheering and praying for you for years. I’m praying for your marriage. There’s nothing Jesus can’t fix. I have the scars and the stories.
Going in the opposite direction of unrelenting emotional pain, Steve, is for that brief time, a positive for the most part.
It's when you turn back that things begin to get real. But the difference is, as I followed every word of this post, a certain clarity of thought which, however painful, is present in your words. And this is good.
Introspection is more defined now and contains glimpses of hope. The greatest suffering becomes uncertainty but present is the underlying current of a more confident man.
Looking from the outside in is much more enlightening than from the inside out. I see positives.
Thank you, as always, Debby.
Quote: "Would I become a ghost, a golem, a shadow of my former self... Or would some new version of me find a way to emerge, strong enough to become indomitable?"
You say this as if you have no say in the matter. But really, it's entirely up to you. What do you really want? Sure, you may fear becoming a ghost, but you don't have to if you don't want to. For me, this isn't so much a matter of strength, but of will. Are you ready to throw in the towel? Or - hurt and bruised as you are - are you ready to figure out the path that leads to hope and a future?
Read the Psalms. Seriously. Read David's laments. The thing is, he never stays there.
Here's a song based on Psalms 13:
https://suno.com/s/57cpFB8bear9bhzO
Please listen to this song as you read:
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=IucKig05tcw&si=VYaUdKqRDRk6dRfe
You are never alone.
Never.
It doesn't matter how alone you feel. It doesn't matter how dark the night seems. Life Himself has entered the deepest depths of hell, and conquered them. Light has entered darkness, and darkness has not overcome Him.
I have not entered your hell brother, but Christ has and is with you now. The promise of Christ is this: anyone can leave hell and begin the winding road to Paradise even in this life. The agony and aloneness can be washed away. The eyes of our souls, clouded by the mud we and the world have slapped into them, can be cleared.
I want to tell you the hell I was saved from brother, if only to show you that someone a thousand times more wicked than you can be pulled from the pit of anguish you find yourself in. It is my hope that this will give you solace when the dark nights come.
I was a Protestant, but because I'd fallen in love with pornography I fell away immediately after being confirmed. Every time I gave myself over to sexual sin the feeling of God's presence weakened until finally I had so dulled my senses I couldn't sense Him anywhere anymore. I had gouged out my eyes, was it any wonder I couldn't see?
I wallowed in scientific atheism for decades, falling into ever deepening pits of hell and pulling the rest of my brothers and sisters with me. I summoned hundreds of thousands of demons into this world through my sexual sin. I infested thousands of people with demons through vile sex acts I won't recount. My guardian angel wept from a distance as the day of my destruction drew near.
One night ten years into this fall, when the bowls of my iniquity were full, I had an encounter with a witch. I scoffed at her, thinking there was no such thing. Magic wasn't real, demons weren't real, it was all fairy tales from a bygone age. I was an easy mark.
I fell into hell on earth. Demons appeared as puffs of smoke, entering people's bedrooms at night and causing them to wail in agony. When I tried to tend the soil it would burn my skin. I felt demons enter my own body and begin saying horrific things to those around me. It was a hopeless hell.
A single thought fluttered through my mind one night, "If magic is real, and demons are real..." I finished the thought, "then God must be real. God help me!"
I had a vision of the innocent youths slain by Herod for Christ's sake interceding before the throne of God on my behalf. It was a rocky journey, but I was led as if by the hand out of that hell and into the Eastern Orthodox Church. Here I've found the home I'd always craved but could never find.
Brother. Please consider visiting an Eastern Orthodox Monastery if you haven't. There are many monks that have found the path of Paradise through the cinders of their earthly lives.
A Saint I think in particular wants to aid you is Abba Paul, here is a video about him that I hope gives you solace.
https://youtu.be/PUWfy0pfeLA?si=99ZTEIla3iZqfEvs
Did we get a picture of Evie and I missed it or forgot? What exactly is the car model if I may be so inquisitive? I've never bought a new car and never will, but I do my homework before I buy used. There are ways of meeting people--I've reached out quite a bit because I'm retired but my hubby is not (and he works a lot) and I'm a type of empty nester (long story). I'll make some suggestions here: if you go to the library, there is usually a book club. Those are a lot of fun. I just finished reading (apart from the book club) James Paterson's "Honeymoon" which I could not put down, but I had to skip a lot of the dirty stuff (this is so tiresome--I don't need that stuff, it's stuffed into every piece of media today and "literature"). The other aspect of the library is there are often rooms you can reserve say to tutor the kids if you need to do that and can't find a good free venue. Then there are various civic organizations like the Moose Lodge and the Elks, do-gooder type places. One can join a local political club, but my sense is you don't care for politics that much. You seem to get along extraordinarily well with priests. So you could consider joining the Parish Council or the Knights of Columbus or the Choir. I think it's very hard to be a priest, especially now with Rogue Pope #2 doing strange things that upset everyone all the time, so any morale support one can give clergy is important because many priests are watching the Vatican antics in a state of dread and despair. I have gotten involved in the church's CCW (Catholic Council of Women) in my local FL parish (I'm less active in PA and NYC) and this church is very active with huge parishioner participation in various charitable efforts. It's important to have a plan for each day. Try to write down: short term goals, mid-range and long range goals. Then make a written list each day and when one's mind wanders, go back to the list. I know, this sounds insipid, but if one is trying to juggle many things (as you are) across short-, mid- and long-range goals, it is easy to lose track of what to do next. Then keep a minder on your time--the internet is like a black hole of space (if one lets it be). I love youtube, but I use it a lot as "background" noise to create a bustling work environment. Frankly, the news is so awful, I have to just take it all with a grain a salt and figure "God's got this." God's got everything.
Good luck. The travel logs have been great and the pictures wonderful. These are places many of us will never see. No time, no energy, and not enough money for that extensive of travel. Thanks for taking us along.