I Just Want To Say Thank You

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I don’t know how to say what I want to say.

You all are helping to keep me going. And I feel terrible that I have been unable to return the favor with as much writing as I would love to do. And more to the point, quality writing about important topics that are not merely self-referential.

I miss being here, at my desk, doing the work I do here.

It’s just that I can only be spread so thin.

I’ve been working as many hours as I can delivering groceries. It’s been unbearably hot, and orders are often slow, so I’m out 8-12 hours a day many days, with maybe 7-8 hours of active work. Instacart works best if you’re physically close to a store, so I often sit in a parking lot of a popular grocery store, waiting until something comes in. When I get home I’m too exhausted to think much, let alone write. I’m stressed out and worried about everything going on in my life right now, so I don’t sleep well. And I have sensory issues (thanks, autism!) that make it impossible for me to use a CPAP for my apnea, so the sleep I get is bad anyway.

I’m just tired all the time right now.

I’m only here to write this at the moment because until a few minutes ago, our phones were shut off for nonpayment. Without service, I can’t work. Everything is done through my phone.

One of my readers donated $100 a couple days ago and I was able to use that, plus what I’ve made over the past week, to make the outrageous $700 payment on our family van which was in active repossession status until about 15 minutes ago.

That’s the vehicle I use to make my deliveries. You can’t work without paying for the things you use to do the work, but you can’t pay for them without the work.

It’s a catch-22.

On a good day, I make about $120, minus gas. Taxes are something I just have to worry about later. On a bad day, I make about $60. But if I don’t work today and get paid today, I’ve got nothing to put towards our needs.

I know this won’t last forever, but it is what it is right now.

My wife’s real estate business is humming along, with listings and clients growing, but things are selling much slower than we expected for being in one of the best markets in the country. Because I’m gone a lot, and she and I are going through a difficult time, I can’t even help her with marketing like I used to.

Anyway, I’m rambling. The point is, you guys make such a difference.

A reader donated $100 on Monday, and that made it possible for me to make that van payment today. I had to scrape together everything I had, but that $100 gave me just enough.

The money that comes in from this Substack isn’t much, but it’s something.

And I know so many of you are rooting for me. Praying for me and my family. So many of you have been so generous for so long. A friend who couldn’t afford it gave me a significant loan a couple months ago and kept us in our house. (If you’re reading this, you saved us. Full stop.)

I don’t know if there’s a rhyme or reason for why we’re being put through this crucible. I don’t know if we’re part of some bigger plan, or if we’re just subject to the chaos and entropy of the universe.

I used to provide well and now I just can’t seem to catch a break. And the more depressing it gets, the harder it is to function well.

But I want to thank you all for being here with us. I don’t feel like there’s any way to really express how much that support helps.

I can only hope that soon, this situation will finally break our way, and we can get back on our feet, and mend our wounds, I can get back to doing what I do best.

Until then I’ll keep limping along, because the only way out is through.

My entire life has been methodically stripped and gutted for the past 5 years. From losing my faith and career and means of provision, to becoming estranged from my family, to dealing with autistic burnout (when I didn’t even know I was on the spectrum) to my marriage being on life support because of so many mistakes I’ve made along the way.

It’s a lot. It’s the hardest time I’ve ever gone through in my life.

But though I am tempted, I’m not giving up. I will keep fighting.

So thank you, all of you, for being here. For sticking with me, even if it’s mostly a flaming dumpster fire a lot of the time. I don’t know why you do it, but I’m so grateful you’re here.

And with that, I have to go back out to work.