A “designed denuding.” Excruciating. Yet real. The honesty of real life. I feel like I’m often in an uphill battle to re-connect with reality, due to life in the Matrix. Thanks for your writing, brother.
Quote: "I had even begun, over the course of this odd little trip, to entertain the idea that maybe God was real, even if he was maddeningly imperceptible and unintelligible, and that maybe he actually did love me and was looking out for me this whole time."
The sense I get is that God is doing much more than looking out for you. His love for you is seeing you through. Through the pain. Through the turmoil. Through the hard days. Through to who He called you to be.
The thing is, you can trust Him to see you through - maddeningly imperceptible or not.
I was moved by a song today (based on David's cry in Psalms 13). Here's how part of it goes:
And I appreciate your baby steps. Even still, if I were a prophet, I think I'd have a hard time holding back. I mean I can feel His work with you is no small thing. Seriously. Flaws and all.
Steve, you are doing fine. Good to see that you realized that it's time to go back. It sounds like you have had some real "a-ha" moments and have been able to assimilate them.
I probably shouldn't wait til I'm settled on my couch with my usual fish sandwich to read your posts.
I choked at one point. I never knew a fish sandwich could go up your nose.
The best part of the entire post is what happens in the background....the human elements that are playing a pivotal part in the grand scheme of the journey. Beautiful scenery and Evie's hiccups make for an excellent story but the people you encounter are the stars shining overhead, lighting your way.
I would attribute the kindness of strangers in random situations to have healed more wounds than this world knows. And I would venture to say, you've been that to someone who needed to feel that they mattered.
Always pay it forward. There are so many who have endured similar situations such as yours.
Hang on...it might be a white knuckled drive .But you are collecting the emotional tools to make it all the way. I'm really proud of you.
I walked around a long time feeling I was the one responsible for the break-up of my marriage. He told me it was my fault, and because I loved him, I believed him. He knew me, right? I remember barely being able to look anyone in the eye.
Later, I told the whole story to my friend, Mona, After taking a contemplative sip of her coffee, she looked steadily at me. "Boy, he really did a number on you."
As I look back 25 years later, two children later, I see that there was a whole third act I couldn't have imagined. And I am SO grateful that the marriage ended. Because I was able to discover how strong I was.
I deleted previous comment to answer your question, 'cause don't necessarily want to make everything public about my personal life permanently. However, don't mind sharing it with you as I know how tough a divorce is.
Have you watched “Nobody’s Fool” with Paul Newman? Based on an excellent book by Richard Russo. The metaphor of the old house made me think you’d relate well to the story. It’s a great movie in any case.
Not a bad film, but I highly recommend reading the book first. I think you will love it. It's got some great dark humor, and is unflinchingly down-to-earth. If you do read it, I would LOVE to read a review from you!
Steve - take my thoughts for what they’re worth, but I think your statement about deserving to be loved is spot on. God loves you and wants you to love yourself. I don’t recall from whom I heard this, but they pointed out that scripture says to love others as you love yourself. IMO, many Christians, myself included too often, don’t love others well and part of the root cause is that they don’t love themselves - a precursor to loving others. Godspeed!
I cannot tell you how much I am enjoying this whole series. I'm in the middle of quite a bit of my own "stuff" and even though it's not exactly the same, the stakes are just as high. Anxiously awaiting the next installment...
Eight kids, plus you have grandkids--well, to me, you're "rich" with life's meaning and purpose. One has to expect to suffer in this life. I find it unavoidable. St. Teresa of Avila said looking back from the other shore, our lives will seem like a night's stay in an uncomfortable hotel. (Words to that effect.) Also, I've had two really bad nights (separately) in awful hotels, and I got thru those nights thinking of St. Teresa's words.
So what to do? I suffer every day in one way or other, and consider it normal--at age 72, there are "issues" that probably aren't going to get better (like chronic fatigue). Still, I feel incredibly blessed--so when all the stuff (mistakes, frustrations, overwork, exhaustion, sins) starts getting to me, I (wait for it) offer it up for my favorite cause, which is: the troops (all troops, world over, but especially those in war zones) and the vets. I'm a former Navy brat, and I can promise you, the troops are always suffering. My father, rest-in-peace, was a Navy test pilot (who could have given Maverick a run for his money) who slept on average 4 hours or so a night--especially during wartime (he fought in WW2, Korea and VN, which (last) war depressed the heck out of him), flying jets off of air craft carriers at night (or day) or supervising others doing so. He was eventually made a Navy ship captain--more 4-hours-of-sleeping-per night. He was sort of like Trump in that he could function better than most on that little sleep. He'd snooze a nap here or there, but not in the cockpit or at the helm.
So, Steve, adjust your expectations a bit of what life feels like (which you seem to be doing well on your own)--just think "I have EIGHT kids!!! I have two (or three) grand kids! Wow!" And then pick a favorite cause to "offer suffering up for." Your kids are your treasure (and the grands).
Happy travels. I'll never get out to those places you've been, so it's been fun to see what they're like as an "arm- chair" traveller.
I just have to laugh, because the first email I received on this post just says, "and through it all - you are still an ASSHOLE!"
Love from my fans always warms my heart.
I like your comment about coming into contact with reality. Making everything real.
A “designed denuding.” Excruciating. Yet real. The honesty of real life. I feel like I’m often in an uphill battle to re-connect with reality, due to life in the Matrix. Thanks for your writing, brother.
Ha ha...all I can say is "illegitimi non carborundum."
Great cliffhanger! Can’t wait to see if Evie makes it back East.
Evie sort of worries me.
Me too
Same. But she's been reliable everywhere except on hills.
And in the mornings when it's cold and the backup camera and the radio won't turn on. LOL.
Quote: "I had even begun, over the course of this odd little trip, to entertain the idea that maybe God was real, even if he was maddeningly imperceptible and unintelligible, and that maybe he actually did love me and was looking out for me this whole time."
The sense I get is that God is doing much more than looking out for you. His love for you is seeing you through. Through the pain. Through the turmoil. Through the hard days. Through to who He called you to be.
The thing is, you can trust Him to see you through - maddeningly imperceptible or not.
I was moved by a song today (based on David's cry in Psalms 13). Here's how part of it goes:
[Prechorus]
Oh my soul's got questions
And my heart's worn thin
But I’ll hold on
Hold on tight
Till Your light floods in
[Chorus]
Answer me Lord
Hear my plea
Don't let me fall
Don't let me be
But I will trust in Your love so true
I will sing
'cause You’ll see me through
I appreciate your confidence, but I don't want to oversell my own. Baby steps.
And I appreciate your baby steps. Even still, if I were a prophet, I think I'd have a hard time holding back. I mean I can feel His work with you is no small thing. Seriously. Flaws and all.
"Little did I know that some of the hardest days still lay ahead."
Oh, man.
Thanks for doing this odyssey...so I don't have to (hopefully).
Steve, you are doing fine. Good to see that you realized that it's time to go back. It sounds like you have had some real "a-ha" moments and have been able to assimilate them.
Prayers for you, my friend!
I’m a bit worried about Evie too but beautiful essay
What a ride, Steve.
I probably shouldn't wait til I'm settled on my couch with my usual fish sandwich to read your posts.
I choked at one point. I never knew a fish sandwich could go up your nose.
The best part of the entire post is what happens in the background....the human elements that are playing a pivotal part in the grand scheme of the journey. Beautiful scenery and Evie's hiccups make for an excellent story but the people you encounter are the stars shining overhead, lighting your way.
I would attribute the kindness of strangers in random situations to have healed more wounds than this world knows. And I would venture to say, you've been that to someone who needed to feel that they mattered.
Always pay it forward. There are so many who have endured similar situations such as yours.
Hang on...it might be a white knuckled drive .But you are collecting the emotional tools to make it all the way. I'm really proud of you.
You're starting to become my Yoda, Debby. Should I come to Degobah? :D
I walked around a long time feeling I was the one responsible for the break-up of my marriage. He told me it was my fault, and because I loved him, I believed him. He knew me, right? I remember barely being able to look anyone in the eye.
Later, I told the whole story to my friend, Mona, After taking a contemplative sip of her coffee, she looked steadily at me. "Boy, he really did a number on you."
As I look back 25 years later, two children later, I see that there was a whole third act I couldn't have imagined. And I am SO grateful that the marriage ended. Because I was able to discover how strong I was.
How long were you together?
I deleted previous comment to answer your question, 'cause don't necessarily want to make everything public about my personal life permanently. However, don't mind sharing it with you as I know how tough a divorce is.
I did read it, so thank you.
Have you watched “Nobody’s Fool” with Paul Newman? Based on an excellent book by Richard Russo. The metaphor of the old house made me think you’d relate well to the story. It’s a great movie in any case.
I have not. At least, not that I can remember.
Not a bad film, but I highly recommend reading the book first. I think you will love it. It's got some great dark humor, and is unflinchingly down-to-earth. If you do read it, I would LOVE to read a review from you!
Terrific piece, Steve. Welcome to the ranks of the self identified "works in progress!"
Steve - take my thoughts for what they’re worth, but I think your statement about deserving to be loved is spot on. God loves you and wants you to love yourself. I don’t recall from whom I heard this, but they pointed out that scripture says to love others as you love yourself. IMO, many Christians, myself included too often, don’t love others well and part of the root cause is that they don’t love themselves - a precursor to loving others. Godspeed!
I cannot tell you how much I am enjoying this whole series. I'm in the middle of quite a bit of my own "stuff" and even though it's not exactly the same, the stakes are just as high. Anxiously awaiting the next installment...
Next one is messy. Been working on it all day today and need to clean it up.
Like making a recipe and the beaters spray detritus all around the room
Eight kids, plus you have grandkids--well, to me, you're "rich" with life's meaning and purpose. One has to expect to suffer in this life. I find it unavoidable. St. Teresa of Avila said looking back from the other shore, our lives will seem like a night's stay in an uncomfortable hotel. (Words to that effect.) Also, I've had two really bad nights (separately) in awful hotels, and I got thru those nights thinking of St. Teresa's words.
So what to do? I suffer every day in one way or other, and consider it normal--at age 72, there are "issues" that probably aren't going to get better (like chronic fatigue). Still, I feel incredibly blessed--so when all the stuff (mistakes, frustrations, overwork, exhaustion, sins) starts getting to me, I (wait for it) offer it up for my favorite cause, which is: the troops (all troops, world over, but especially those in war zones) and the vets. I'm a former Navy brat, and I can promise you, the troops are always suffering. My father, rest-in-peace, was a Navy test pilot (who could have given Maverick a run for his money) who slept on average 4 hours or so a night--especially during wartime (he fought in WW2, Korea and VN, which (last) war depressed the heck out of him), flying jets off of air craft carriers at night (or day) or supervising others doing so. He was eventually made a Navy ship captain--more 4-hours-of-sleeping-per night. He was sort of like Trump in that he could function better than most on that little sleep. He'd snooze a nap here or there, but not in the cockpit or at the helm.
So, Steve, adjust your expectations a bit of what life feels like (which you seem to be doing well on your own)--just think "I have EIGHT kids!!! I have two (or three) grand kids! Wow!" And then pick a favorite cause to "offer suffering up for." Your kids are your treasure (and the grands).
Happy travels. I'll never get out to those places you've been, so it's been fun to see what they're like as an "arm- chair" traveller.