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Deborah Gyapong's avatar

Dear Steve, I think you are closer than ever to being Catholic in these honest questions and transparency. What I knew in my bones before I became Catholic is that God is a Good Father, and that even in the midst of the worst suffering of my life He is faithful. That He does give the peace that surpasses understanding, though sometimes it requires you have to sit in that Silence you spoke about where all you experience is your own lack, your need. Persist in it, do not run away from it, or try to comfort yourself, just press in and wait in that Silence. Seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you-- go directly to the Father in naked longing, and He will reply. In order to become Catholic, I had to learn about and accept all the papal infallibility stuff, which was hard enough under Benedict XVI because as a journalist covering the Catholic Church I was not impressed with most of the Successors to the Apostles I was meeting. But I did become Catholic in good faith. I have no regrets . I am glad to be Catholic, but it was not easy. And then in 2013, a giant wrecking ball started swinging at all the pillars of the Church, at all the sacraments, at those doctrines I was taught I had to believe. I agonized. Agonized for quite some time. Starting with the kissing of feet of non-Christian women on Maundy Thursday. How can this be? Then in prayer, the Lord gave me Psalm 131. It was His permission to set aside trying to figure out intellectually the ins and outs of papal infallibility etc. and the authority issues----and I remembered that I had experienced the peace of Christ as an evangelical so why was this missing now that I had accepted all this mediation between me and Jesus? So while I haven't ditched the mediation---I am thankful to have good, holy priests and a healthy parish family and good spiritual director---I glance at Rome from time to time, but none of it makes sense and I think you have pinpointed all the reasons why. So, I look to the Catholic Church of the saints like St. Jean Vianney and I revel in the Communion of the Saints back to the beginning with Jesus. And Mother Mary! May Our Lady reveal Her Son to you beyond any shadow of a doubt. He loves you. He wants you to be in heaven with Him forever. He is not looking to punish you, but to redeem you. Press in.

Sean Malone's avatar

Steve - thank you for this. You are gifting your readers with visibility into your struggles with these issues. It resonates deeply. There’s a degree of peace and reassurance that you provide, indirectly, by being willing to tackle this head-on and in such a public way.

There’s an additional dimension to what you call out, and it’s isolation: “Why do you have a problem with this? Why do you see all these contradictions? Look around. See? Everyone else is fine. Everyone else is willing to put their head down and be a good sheep. Why can’t you be like them? Stop overthinking it. These contradictions would all make sense if you prayed enough, if you were good enough.”

By sharing your raw struggles so openly, it reassures those of us without the talent or confidence to do so. It lets us know that there are other people who have the same concerns. And, while there are no good answers, it lets us know that we’re not crazy for asking the question. Thank you.

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