Church corporate is a bitter pill. Scripture gets me through the tight spots. "I believe, help my unbelief" (somewhere in the Bible) I am no prophet, but I see you coming back to the Church, remnant that it may be and your saintly wife will be at your side.
You called it right with your first inclination seeing Pope Francis (?) step out on the balcony. In the years since, I have come to understand and accept his one famous phrase "who am I to judge?" I don't know. I am not God, I did not make the heavens and the earth. God did. I believe, help my unbelief. I know you believe too.
Steve, much of your experience of the Francis papacy resonates with me. I, too, felt a sudden and intense feeling of dread the moment I saw him step out onto the loggia. And I also felt compelled to vent my frustrations as his papacy progressed. That’s why I created Dr. Dialogue on twitter, through whom I expressed the cartoonish absurdity of what I thought the Catholic Church was becoming.
I likewise took shelter in the world of TLM Catholicism for a time. But I also grew increasingly attached to the Byzantine theological and liturgical tradition – first through the Melkite Church and ultimately in Orthodoxy. Over the course of the Francis papacy, it became increasingly difficult for me to defend the office of the papacy itself, particularly as defined by Pastor Aeternus. At the same time, I found that the Orthodox better preserved the faith and practice of the Church without any such centralized authority. Frankly, I’m far happier today as an Orthodox Christian. I always tell people that it was really the “pull” of Orthodoxy that drew me to it much more than the “push” from the RCC under Francis. But Francis’ tenure in office at least had some role to play in my own story, and I have to say that I am grateful for the little “apocalypse” (literally, “revelation” or “unveiling”) that he provided.
“They knew that the only way to love the Church was never to look too closely at what it really is.” Ughhhh! I cannot tolerate blind love ever again. I was taught to do that not only with the church, but more detrimentally, in relationships … “to see the good in all things” and it about destroyed me. But I did not let it. I came to my senses and left the church that deceived me for well over half my life. Of course the easy way to get through life is to never not look closely enough. Make excuses for the church. Make excuses for the way my husband treated me. Nope nope nope. Not anymore. While hard at first because of the complete mind pivot, the grief that comes with loss, and the redirecting of my life and priorities (what do I do on Easter Sunday now? I golf and I love it) but it has all been worth it. I am free. And when I heard that the pope died, I just kind of smiled and thought, who gives a shit? They’ll just replace him with the next ridiculous figurehead of an incredible powerful and dangerous machine… but a machine that no longer has power over me, that I choose not to give my energy to anymore and it is a wonderful feeling to finally be free. (And interestingly, it was more my scholarly research into the Bible that was more a catalyst of my leaving than my disgust at the Catholic Church). I hope you can reach that point soon and find real peace. ♥️
Note: I made a quick edit to the last couple lines of this, because I had intended to put something in that I forgot to include. If you read it when it first came out, there's a notable change there. Just FYI.
As I just commented on Rod Dreher’s X post boosting this article, you’re a very fine writer. I am determined to NOT comment on Francis’s papacy, so must sidestep that aspect. I could (and would like to) write reams on my own “religious journey” and how it’s coincided/diverged since the early days of supporting your 1Peter5 endeavor. There’s just too much of this “out here,” though, and no need for my clutter.
I honor your acknowledgment that being a loving husband, father, and friend is a daily, necessary, and paramount struggle. I too carry great shame for my failures as a parent. Shame around other things I carry too, but nothing else is as dreadful, at least for me.
You’ve been a blessing, in your honesty, to me. I do still believe that Jesus is our Messiah and our redemption. Whatever the ‘Church’ is and does, eh. Who knows? All too complicated for me. Thanks for what you do, and a prayer from this sinner who is a real sinner, not a pretender in that regard.
“It’s not like I stopped Francis. It’s not like I even slowed him down.”
Perhaps I was naive during those days, but I never thought that was the point of 1P5. Once PF ascended to the throne, I never thought there was a way to “stop” him. Francis was gonna do what Francis was gonna do. I had always (until your departure) assumed you were playing the long game. Planting the seeds of traditionalism in order to bear fruit in a distant future.
That was certainly a big part of it. But I was moved to try to stop an imminent threat by means of planting those seeds.
I've since come to the conclusion that the traditionalist movement is essentially a big LARP. They can never advance in a Church that does not want them, because that Church's approval (and I daresay, embrace) is what's necessary to legitimize their program.
But also, their theology is too harsh, too exclusive, for most people to ever really sign up for.
Idk man. I wouldn’t be surprised if when we’re dead and gone, entire teams of priests, inspired by 1P5 when they were teenagers, are populating the American hierarchy.
I used to believe this. But the reality is, even with the growth of the movement, it's a rounding error compared to the numbers in the mainstream Church.
And Traditionis Custodes is choking the life even out of that.
Hi Steve. Be kind to yourself. Yes, you made mistakes - we all do. Your self awareness and honesty are admirable. Keep going.
As a not ever Catholic person, and a non American, i always struggled to understand what all the animosity towards Francis in the US was about. It seemed like he was a lightening rod for an American culture war. That's my outsider's observation, fwiw.
I am confused and this is confusing. I think your title establishes two facts which are clearly in evidence. The first is simple. The second we take on your testimony, but with a caveat on the damage in question. This is no place for amateur psychology, but there's a trauma which is distorting how and where you are spending your precious energy. And your wife is right again, of course. Still you've spilled considerable digital ink here, burned a disproportionate amount of ATP in so doing. Why?
I don't know if he qualifies as a nemesis or a fellow traveller but Paul Fahey co-founded WherePeterIs.com with Mike Lewis. His substack and podcast are both named Third Space. He also has a wonderful wife. I somehow support both of y'all. I told you I was confused.
Here is his memoir on his substack: https://www.catholicthirdspace.com/p/pope-francis and I will be sure to send him yours and I suspect you'll have similar reactions to each other. Y'all ought to have a conversation. Seriously.
I will continue to hang in with you as I really want to see how this story works out and I'm really rooting for you.
I am so intensely disinterested in attempting a dialogue with the intellectually dishonest creators of WPI. Cannot overstate that enough. I've tried. It only leads to war.
I realized after publishing that the title is confusing. I had a different one, but needed something with more punch, and changed it at the last minute. I was just trying to get this out before it was any later. I started it yesterday and things kept getting in the way.
I spent so much time documenting the destruction at 1P5 I sort of took for granted that it was a known quantity to my audience.
I never gave it a final, comprehensive review, because in my last year, I was exhausted. But if you peruse my archive, you may find some of the answers to the questions from the previous version of me.
Steve, there’s a perfectly good reason why you “felt nothing” upon the news of Francis’s death. You have been fighting him for so long, and that fight was so much of your reason for being. That died when he died. The door was finally and irrevocably closed. Having read almost all of your columns, I understand that the door closed in a sense before Francis‘s death. But I somehow think that had more to do with Catholicism as a whole than Francis per se.
Besides, don’t ignore the possibility that this whole fight left you shell shocked. I’m not a therapist nor do I play one on TV. But it might be something for both you and your wife to consider.
I already suspect you're correct. My wife had a very difficult relationship with her father, who always treated her like she was nothing (after she stopped being a cute little girl and grew up into a young woman with thoughts and opinions and ambitions of her own). She was forced to take care of him for the last 7 years of his life because one brother was dead, and the other was mini-Hitler.
When he died, it changed everything for her. She no longer had someone to prove something to, or someone from whom to seek acknowledgement, affirmation, or love. It was over, and she never got to have the relationship she should have had.
I've been looking at it a lot like this. It isn't like I think about Francis much these days, but knowing he's gone opens up a portal into this very significant period of my life, and all the dominos that fell because I chose to take up that fight.
I have no real clue what to do with any of that yet.
Opus Dei has been forced to play a tight game. While privately loathing Francis they were wise enough not to get on his grid. He only went after them with a measure of moderation.
I have always had a complicated relationship with the papacy as an adult. Before my initial reversion to the Church (which was driven by the Eucharist), I struggled with the papacy - not so much the historicity and earlier use of the office, but rather how the office had developed in later centuries and the definitions of Vatican I. Francis would further test the limits of my tolerance for these dogmas.
At my core, I’m a simple person. Words have meanings, and words that chip away or outright contradict the moral moorings of what it means to be Catholic only breed confusion and disillusionment among who are trying to be faithful - even if those words are not ex-cathedra.
(As a side note, I was none too sad to see Francis’ take on traditionalists, especially in his accompanying letter to Traditionis Custodes. We’ve both seen the damage that traditionalists can do. I think you were still in the church when this MP was released, but I had departed several years earlier. I felt then, as I still do now, that the schismatic attitudes are much more prevalent in the PCED communities than your once a week diocesan Latin Mass, and that Francis went after the wrong people.)
In the end, I continue to maintain a “low view” (theologically speaking) of the papacy as an institution. It ultimately shouldn’t matter who is at the helm (even though, practically speaking, we know it does, especially after this pontificate).
This Lent I came back to sacramental communion with the Church, but through the Byzantine door, in good part because I don’t care to be directly affected by the issue of Francis’ pontificate or whomever comes next, nor directly engage in the never ending culture wars or interpretations of the apparition of the hour - it’s simply not good for my soul. I won’t be anywhere near as engaged with this conclave as I was with the elections of Benedict or Francis, because I just can’t do it anymore.
In the end, we’re all pretty powerless to fix anything in the culture or the Church because we can’t even fix ourselves or our families - the domestic Church. And while that’s a crying shame, and I’d like to believe our leaders will be held to a higher account for their lack of shepherding, in the end, it is what it is.
May +Francis rest in peace and God have mercy on his soul.
"Behold, I make all things new" Rev. 21
Church corporate is a bitter pill. Scripture gets me through the tight spots. "I believe, help my unbelief" (somewhere in the Bible) I am no prophet, but I see you coming back to the Church, remnant that it may be and your saintly wife will be at your side.
You called it right with your first inclination seeing Pope Francis (?) step out on the balcony. In the years since, I have come to understand and accept his one famous phrase "who am I to judge?" I don't know. I am not God, I did not make the heavens and the earth. God did. I believe, help my unbelief. I know you believe too.
Steve, much of your experience of the Francis papacy resonates with me. I, too, felt a sudden and intense feeling of dread the moment I saw him step out onto the loggia. And I also felt compelled to vent my frustrations as his papacy progressed. That’s why I created Dr. Dialogue on twitter, through whom I expressed the cartoonish absurdity of what I thought the Catholic Church was becoming.
I likewise took shelter in the world of TLM Catholicism for a time. But I also grew increasingly attached to the Byzantine theological and liturgical tradition – first through the Melkite Church and ultimately in Orthodoxy. Over the course of the Francis papacy, it became increasingly difficult for me to defend the office of the papacy itself, particularly as defined by Pastor Aeternus. At the same time, I found that the Orthodox better preserved the faith and practice of the Church without any such centralized authority. Frankly, I’m far happier today as an Orthodox Christian. I always tell people that it was really the “pull” of Orthodoxy that drew me to it much more than the “push” from the RCC under Francis. But Francis’ tenure in office at least had some role to play in my own story, and I have to say that I am grateful for the little “apocalypse” (literally, “revelation” or “unveiling”) that he provided.
I thought I had replied to this...did you also leave a comment on the notes section? It's weird to see this and not see my reply.
Thanks, either way.
I clicked the box that says "Also share to Notes," so I think your reply showed up as a reply to the note? Quirky little substack feature.
“They knew that the only way to love the Church was never to look too closely at what it really is.” Ughhhh! I cannot tolerate blind love ever again. I was taught to do that not only with the church, but more detrimentally, in relationships … “to see the good in all things” and it about destroyed me. But I did not let it. I came to my senses and left the church that deceived me for well over half my life. Of course the easy way to get through life is to never not look closely enough. Make excuses for the church. Make excuses for the way my husband treated me. Nope nope nope. Not anymore. While hard at first because of the complete mind pivot, the grief that comes with loss, and the redirecting of my life and priorities (what do I do on Easter Sunday now? I golf and I love it) but it has all been worth it. I am free. And when I heard that the pope died, I just kind of smiled and thought, who gives a shit? They’ll just replace him with the next ridiculous figurehead of an incredible powerful and dangerous machine… but a machine that no longer has power over me, that I choose not to give my energy to anymore and it is a wonderful feeling to finally be free. (And interestingly, it was more my scholarly research into the Bible that was more a catalyst of my leaving than my disgust at the Catholic Church). I hope you can reach that point soon and find real peace. ♥️
Note: I made a quick edit to the last couple lines of this, because I had intended to put something in that I forgot to include. If you read it when it first came out, there's a notable change there. Just FYI.
As I just commented on Rod Dreher’s X post boosting this article, you’re a very fine writer. I am determined to NOT comment on Francis’s papacy, so must sidestep that aspect. I could (and would like to) write reams on my own “religious journey” and how it’s coincided/diverged since the early days of supporting your 1Peter5 endeavor. There’s just too much of this “out here,” though, and no need for my clutter.
I honor your acknowledgment that being a loving husband, father, and friend is a daily, necessary, and paramount struggle. I too carry great shame for my failures as a parent. Shame around other things I carry too, but nothing else is as dreadful, at least for me.
You’ve been a blessing, in your honesty, to me. I do still believe that Jesus is our Messiah and our redemption. Whatever the ‘Church’ is and does, eh. Who knows? All too complicated for me. Thanks for what you do, and a prayer from this sinner who is a real sinner, not a pretender in that regard.
Thank you.
“It’s not like I stopped Francis. It’s not like I even slowed him down.”
Perhaps I was naive during those days, but I never thought that was the point of 1P5. Once PF ascended to the throne, I never thought there was a way to “stop” him. Francis was gonna do what Francis was gonna do. I had always (until your departure) assumed you were playing the long game. Planting the seeds of traditionalism in order to bear fruit in a distant future.
That was certainly a big part of it. But I was moved to try to stop an imminent threat by means of planting those seeds.
I've since come to the conclusion that the traditionalist movement is essentially a big LARP. They can never advance in a Church that does not want them, because that Church's approval (and I daresay, embrace) is what's necessary to legitimize their program.
But also, their theology is too harsh, too exclusive, for most people to ever really sign up for.
Idk man. I wouldn’t be surprised if when we’re dead and gone, entire teams of priests, inspired by 1P5 when they were teenagers, are populating the American hierarchy.
I used to believe this. But the reality is, even with the growth of the movement, it's a rounding error compared to the numbers in the mainstream Church.
And Traditionis Custodes is choking the life even out of that.
Hi Steve. Be kind to yourself. Yes, you made mistakes - we all do. Your self awareness and honesty are admirable. Keep going.
As a not ever Catholic person, and a non American, i always struggled to understand what all the animosity towards Francis in the US was about. It seemed like he was a lightening rod for an American culture war. That's my outsider's observation, fwiw.
I realize I didn't list it all here, but I really did write exhaustively about it in those days, and couldn't bear to dredge it all up again.
If you're curious, here's my archive at the old site:
https://onepeterfive.com/author/steveskojec/
Thanks
I am confused and this is confusing. I think your title establishes two facts which are clearly in evidence. The first is simple. The second we take on your testimony, but with a caveat on the damage in question. This is no place for amateur psychology, but there's a trauma which is distorting how and where you are spending your precious energy. And your wife is right again, of course. Still you've spilled considerable digital ink here, burned a disproportionate amount of ATP in so doing. Why?
I don't know if he qualifies as a nemesis or a fellow traveller but Paul Fahey co-founded WherePeterIs.com with Mike Lewis. His substack and podcast are both named Third Space. He also has a wonderful wife. I somehow support both of y'all. I told you I was confused.
Here is his memoir on his substack: https://www.catholicthirdspace.com/p/pope-francis and I will be sure to send him yours and I suspect you'll have similar reactions to each other. Y'all ought to have a conversation. Seriously.
I will continue to hang in with you as I really want to see how this story works out and I'm really rooting for you.
I am so intensely disinterested in attempting a dialogue with the intellectually dishonest creators of WPI. Cannot overstate that enough. I've tried. It only leads to war.
I realized after publishing that the title is confusing. I had a different one, but needed something with more punch, and changed it at the last minute. I was just trying to get this out before it was any later. I started it yesterday and things kept getting in the way.
I spent so much time documenting the destruction at 1P5 I sort of took for granted that it was a known quantity to my audience.
I never gave it a final, comprehensive review, because in my last year, I was exhausted. But if you peruse my archive, you may find some of the answers to the questions from the previous version of me.
https://onepeterfive.com/author/steveskojec/
If you have specific questions, feel free to ask. I've been really swamped lately but I will try to get to them.
“Break the wrist, walk away” Napoleon Dynamite
You think anyone wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearin' these bad boys? Forget about it.
Steve, there’s a perfectly good reason why you “felt nothing” upon the news of Francis’s death. You have been fighting him for so long, and that fight was so much of your reason for being. That died when he died. The door was finally and irrevocably closed. Having read almost all of your columns, I understand that the door closed in a sense before Francis‘s death. But I somehow think that had more to do with Catholicism as a whole than Francis per se.
Besides, don’t ignore the possibility that this whole fight left you shell shocked. I’m not a therapist nor do I play one on TV. But it might be something for both you and your wife to consider.
I already suspect you're correct. My wife had a very difficult relationship with her father, who always treated her like she was nothing (after she stopped being a cute little girl and grew up into a young woman with thoughts and opinions and ambitions of her own). She was forced to take care of him for the last 7 years of his life because one brother was dead, and the other was mini-Hitler.
When he died, it changed everything for her. She no longer had someone to prove something to, or someone from whom to seek acknowledgement, affirmation, or love. It was over, and she never got to have the relationship she should have had.
I've been looking at it a lot like this. It isn't like I think about Francis much these days, but knowing he's gone opens up a portal into this very significant period of my life, and all the dominos that fell because I chose to take up that fight.
I have no real clue what to do with any of that yet.
Opus Dei has been forced to play a tight game. While privately loathing Francis they were wise enough not to get on his grid. He only went after them with a measure of moderation.
Thank you, Steve.
I have always had a complicated relationship with the papacy as an adult. Before my initial reversion to the Church (which was driven by the Eucharist), I struggled with the papacy - not so much the historicity and earlier use of the office, but rather how the office had developed in later centuries and the definitions of Vatican I. Francis would further test the limits of my tolerance for these dogmas.
At my core, I’m a simple person. Words have meanings, and words that chip away or outright contradict the moral moorings of what it means to be Catholic only breed confusion and disillusionment among who are trying to be faithful - even if those words are not ex-cathedra.
(As a side note, I was none too sad to see Francis’ take on traditionalists, especially in his accompanying letter to Traditionis Custodes. We’ve both seen the damage that traditionalists can do. I think you were still in the church when this MP was released, but I had departed several years earlier. I felt then, as I still do now, that the schismatic attitudes are much more prevalent in the PCED communities than your once a week diocesan Latin Mass, and that Francis went after the wrong people.)
In the end, I continue to maintain a “low view” (theologically speaking) of the papacy as an institution. It ultimately shouldn’t matter who is at the helm (even though, practically speaking, we know it does, especially after this pontificate).
This Lent I came back to sacramental communion with the Church, but through the Byzantine door, in good part because I don’t care to be directly affected by the issue of Francis’ pontificate or whomever comes next, nor directly engage in the never ending culture wars or interpretations of the apparition of the hour - it’s simply not good for my soul. I won’t be anywhere near as engaged with this conclave as I was with the elections of Benedict or Francis, because I just can’t do it anymore.
In the end, we’re all pretty powerless to fix anything in the culture or the Church because we can’t even fix ourselves or our families - the domestic Church. And while that’s a crying shame, and I’d like to believe our leaders will be held to a higher account for their lack of shepherding, in the end, it is what it is.
May +Francis rest in peace and God have mercy on his soul.