Seriously, Steve, I so visualized every part of this sad but necessary first day and night.
It reads like a book I've just begun, now disappointed because I have to go do something else.
I'm anxiously waiting for your next post.
In another life, like you, I literally drove the road never traveled, forced to sink or swim.
Yes, I gasped for air....and I filled my lungs for the first time...and it was glorious.
Nothing negates the sorrow but as your journey continues, the focus will be less on what has been your existence for a long time and more on what discoveries are to be made.
The dew you'll see on fields of grass will glisten like diamonds and you will ponder the shape of clouds, the fall colors, like never before.
I would only find out many years later that my then younger children felt every bit of tension and by doing what I had to do, it allowed them to breathe and later to fully understand that it had to be done to save them. You can't see that now. You've miles to go yet.
Steve, I found this From the sub stack of Dan Burmawi. It described his life as a Muslim before he converted to Christianity. You might want to ask if any of this might apply to you, so I’m sending this to you:
“I was raised in an environment where I was criticized every single minute of every single day. That constant criticism shaped me into believing I was a bad person, a failure, someone who didn’t deserve anything good. I doubted everything I did, every step I took.
“In that same environment, the only way to receive praise or rewards was through manipulation. That became my survival skill.
“By the time I grew up, this belief system was hardwired into me: I was broken, guilty, unworthy, and the only way forward was to perform or deceive.
“Thank God, after years of struggle, I managed to push back against this self-image. I don’t live under its full weight anymore. But it is still there. It’s still a real pain, a shadow I have to fight against every day.
“Now imagine building your life under a god who operates the exact same way.
“A god whose book is filled with condemnation, doubt, criticism, and accusations on almost every page.
“A god who threatens you with punishment if you fail to pray, if you miss a ritual, if you step out of line.
“A god who reduces morality to blind obedience: right and wrong are not rooted in truth, justice, or human dignity, but only in whether or not He commanded it.
“I’ve seen what this does to people. Many who grew up in homes like mine, where guilt and criticism never stop, ended up criminals or violent.
“When you are taught to see yourself as evil, as corrupt, as worthless, eventually you live out that script. You become what you were told you are.
“And when your god himself reinforces that script, convincing you that everyone outside your group hates you, that the world is plotting against you, that violence against “the enemy” is justified, all while weaponizing your guilt and shame, what do you think the outcome will be?”
There’s one big difference. Catholicism is not God. Neither is Protestantism or Eastern Orthodoxy. God is God, Jesus is Jesus and the Holy Spirit is the Holy Spirit. All three act in accordance with each other, not necessarily in accordance with the denominational theologies that claim to represent them.
You’ve been very honest about your struggles with belief. Perhaps it is time to consider the nature of God, his son and his spirit outside of the theological contexts that claim to speak for him?
I have struggled, and still struggle, with a lot of the emotions and psychology Dan described. 25 years ago, I almost jettisoned Christianity. One of my neighbors invited me to a Bible study. As a writer, I had been considering a book about how the mosaic law relates to Christians today. Interestingly, enough, this study was on the life of Moses. I went and for the first 4 to 6 weeks, I thought to myself “what am I doing here?“
Then I made the commitment not to settle for standard, stereotypical answers. I made the commitment to dig. I prayed before I started each day’s lesson. As a result, my faith and understanding grew over the past 25 years like I never thought it would.
The organization sponsoring this study is called Bible Study Fellowship. It’s not a church. It’s an organization that has classes throughout the country and even overseas. It’s not Catholic. It’s non-denominational. It takes great pains to avoid any denominational, identification or discussion about particular theologies.
You might want to check this out. There’s no cost to join and no cost if you want to do things online (although there is a cost for a book that features the notes and questions, but you can do those online).
Even if you are in no position, emotionally or financially to do this (and I say financially, because you’ve been very honest about your struggles in trying to make a living), please keep this in mind for the future.
Thanks, Joseph. I feel like I have a lot to say about all of this, but I don't think I'm ready. I've been staying with Friends since last Tuesday, and I've had a lot of great conversations about many topics, including this.
I will try to return to this topic in the near future when I feel like more of the puzzle pieces have locked into place.
Suggestions I try to use when I'm under stress, for what it's worth: Keep a journal, and if you can tolerate it, write it by hand so that it is completely private. I think of the ocean as being like God's love--feels infinite. I go to the ocean frequently in winter months (FL). We only have a little bucket (our soul) for Him to pour His love for us into, but God can increase the size of the bucket. Make lists. Keep returning to the list if becoming distracted or discouraged. Lift light weights and take walks. Take life 24 hours at a time. "Sufficient unto the day." St. Padre Pio: "Pray, hope, and don't worry." Another saint saying I like: "All will be well, all will be well, all manner of things will be well" (Blessed Julian of Norwich, English Anchoress, 14th century). Unknown saint: "I worry until midnight. After midnight, I let God worry." Write letters and texts to your children from wherever you are (and email). Maybe use Facetime? I've recently discovered Google Meet App as a Facetime alternative. We are all pulling for you and yours.
Keep writing. When and as you can. No matter what your readers' circumstances, they can relate to your words far more than you may realize.
Agree with Carol.
Steve, I really hope that you do a full circle and after your adventure return home both in family and faith.
Seriously, Steve, I so visualized every part of this sad but necessary first day and night.
It reads like a book I've just begun, now disappointed because I have to go do something else.
I'm anxiously waiting for your next post.
In another life, like you, I literally drove the road never traveled, forced to sink or swim.
Yes, I gasped for air....and I filled my lungs for the first time...and it was glorious.
Nothing negates the sorrow but as your journey continues, the focus will be less on what has been your existence for a long time and more on what discoveries are to be made.
The dew you'll see on fields of grass will glisten like diamonds and you will ponder the shape of clouds, the fall colors, like never before.
I would only find out many years later that my then younger children felt every bit of tension and by doing what I had to do, it allowed them to breathe and later to fully understand that it had to be done to save them. You can't see that now. You've miles to go yet.
Good for calling Paul. Let your friends be your friends.
Steve, I found this From the sub stack of Dan Burmawi. It described his life as a Muslim before he converted to Christianity. You might want to ask if any of this might apply to you, so I’m sending this to you:
“I was raised in an environment where I was criticized every single minute of every single day. That constant criticism shaped me into believing I was a bad person, a failure, someone who didn’t deserve anything good. I doubted everything I did, every step I took.
“In that same environment, the only way to receive praise or rewards was through manipulation. That became my survival skill.
“By the time I grew up, this belief system was hardwired into me: I was broken, guilty, unworthy, and the only way forward was to perform or deceive.
“Thank God, after years of struggle, I managed to push back against this self-image. I don’t live under its full weight anymore. But it is still there. It’s still a real pain, a shadow I have to fight against every day.
“Now imagine building your life under a god who operates the exact same way.
“A god whose book is filled with condemnation, doubt, criticism, and accusations on almost every page.
“A god who threatens you with punishment if you fail to pray, if you miss a ritual, if you step out of line.
“A god who reduces morality to blind obedience: right and wrong are not rooted in truth, justice, or human dignity, but only in whether or not He commanded it.
“I’ve seen what this does to people. Many who grew up in homes like mine, where guilt and criticism never stop, ended up criminals or violent.
“When you are taught to see yourself as evil, as corrupt, as worthless, eventually you live out that script. You become what you were told you are.
“And when your god himself reinforces that script, convincing you that everyone outside your group hates you, that the world is plotting against you, that violence against “the enemy” is justified, all while weaponizing your guilt and shame, what do you think the outcome will be?”
I identify a lot with this, but I think Catholicism does much of the same in terms of guilt/threats/constant reminders of unworthiness.
There’s one big difference. Catholicism is not God. Neither is Protestantism or Eastern Orthodoxy. God is God, Jesus is Jesus and the Holy Spirit is the Holy Spirit. All three act in accordance with each other, not necessarily in accordance with the denominational theologies that claim to represent them.
You’ve been very honest about your struggles with belief. Perhaps it is time to consider the nature of God, his son and his spirit outside of the theological contexts that claim to speak for him?
I have struggled, and still struggle, with a lot of the emotions and psychology Dan described. 25 years ago, I almost jettisoned Christianity. One of my neighbors invited me to a Bible study. As a writer, I had been considering a book about how the mosaic law relates to Christians today. Interestingly, enough, this study was on the life of Moses. I went and for the first 4 to 6 weeks, I thought to myself “what am I doing here?“
Then I made the commitment not to settle for standard, stereotypical answers. I made the commitment to dig. I prayed before I started each day’s lesson. As a result, my faith and understanding grew over the past 25 years like I never thought it would.
The organization sponsoring this study is called Bible Study Fellowship. It’s not a church. It’s an organization that has classes throughout the country and even overseas. It’s not Catholic. It’s non-denominational. It takes great pains to avoid any denominational, identification or discussion about particular theologies.
You might want to check this out. There’s no cost to join and no cost if you want to do things online (although there is a cost for a book that features the notes and questions, but you can do those online).
Even if you are in no position, emotionally or financially to do this (and I say financially, because you’ve been very honest about your struggles in trying to make a living), please keep this in mind for the future.
Thanks, Joseph. I feel like I have a lot to say about all of this, but I don't think I'm ready. I've been staying with Friends since last Tuesday, and I've had a lot of great conversations about many topics, including this.
I will try to return to this topic in the near future when I feel like more of the puzzle pieces have locked into place.
Take your time. You have more fires than you have irons to put them in, right now.
Suggestions I try to use when I'm under stress, for what it's worth: Keep a journal, and if you can tolerate it, write it by hand so that it is completely private. I think of the ocean as being like God's love--feels infinite. I go to the ocean frequently in winter months (FL). We only have a little bucket (our soul) for Him to pour His love for us into, but God can increase the size of the bucket. Make lists. Keep returning to the list if becoming distracted or discouraged. Lift light weights and take walks. Take life 24 hours at a time. "Sufficient unto the day." St. Padre Pio: "Pray, hope, and don't worry." Another saint saying I like: "All will be well, all will be well, all manner of things will be well" (Blessed Julian of Norwich, English Anchoress, 14th century). Unknown saint: "I worry until midnight. After midnight, I let God worry." Write letters and texts to your children from wherever you are (and email). Maybe use Facetime? I've recently discovered Google Meet App as a Facetime alternative. We are all pulling for you and yours.