From where I sit...you know, the couch I eat on and read your writing from, occasionally choking because I can't eat and read at the same time, I just want to say....
Are you seeing this, Steve?
Have you grasped how unbelievably far you have come?
Because from where I sit, after all I've been through with you, I have no words to write that could possibly convey how very, very proud I am of your progress.
I attribute a great deal to the Divine Infant, Who hears me beg Him every night for you and your family.
My circumstances are different, but I can appreciate your challenges. My parents separated when I was 13, divorced a year later. Family gatherings at holidays were awkward and strange. I always felt out of place. Splitting time between two households every Christmas was stressful. 46 years later, I still don't know how I've maintained my sanity. Thankfully, I have maintained good relationships with my extended family after the initial awkwardness of the broken family wore off. How was is for my dad to deal with the same issues you are encountering? He never really opened up to me about it. However, he and I became very good friends over the years. Hours on the phone trying to fix college football polls, bowl games, political issues and many other things. I am not in your shoes, but having grown up in the roles of the child and seeing how my father dealt with the broken family, I would suggest that you intentionally be involved in your children's lives and be patient with them as they process this major change in their lives. I gave similar advice to my uncle 30 years ago when his family was torn apart by divorce. Today, he has a happy relationship with his adult children. I pray that in the end, you will be able to say the same.
If I can retain a good relationship with my kids, that'll be a huge win. So far, so good. They were very happy to see me the first time I came home. They know I love them tremendously. I'll keep showing up, and do my best.
I bet the rib roast turned out better than you thought it would. Roasts are the most forgiving of all things to cook, seems to me (but then I rely on the crock-pot to do the heavy lifting). Very good to read this essay.
Not really able to grasp the depth of all you have experienced, it does seem to me (reading your essays over the past months since Rod Dreher's post made me awareof your writing), that your new place (Ole Blue?) is going to be a soothing environment.A positive enfironment. Seems to me that men thrive when they do have peace and order, even though clearly yours is a product of being separated from the noise of the life you grieve for. But peace and order are healing. It also seems (if you forgive my random comment) that you are far far far down the road from when you started out on your (for us readers interesting) decisive road trip. If you crank back a couple of months, could you have imagined yourself getting, at least, this fa? It's a long way from being in a car "up north," not sure which way to point it.
So if I have a New Year's wish for you, should I be so presumptuous, it would be to keep holding on to the guide rail you have found, and to try to savor the smallest things (like the rib roast IF it comes out okay :-), and give it time. GIVE it time. Family healings take time. Whether reconciliations you cannot imagine or accepted peace on terms you may not like, but still, a kind of peace, this all takes time. At a certain point, a person of a certain age (like me) either has been through or watched enough cataclysmic life-breakups that it is possible to say, with confidence, that, things will settle. Even warring folks cannot keep it up at the same fever pitch over time. Things do mellow, things do change. Slightly, greatly, but they do not stay stuck in the same miasma.
This is not the pattern you wanted, but it is more than a step forward. All best wishes, one of your readers!
So it was good, but I didn't have a thermometer with a wired probe, and I overestimated the timing based on the recipe, and got it way too close to medium when I'm a medium-rare to rare guy.
Pray for me and my family situation as well. Know you’re not suffering alone, although my suffering isn’t anywhere comparable to yours. That said, the difficulty of rejoining the Church after many years of living together unmarried, is painful. Especially the uncertainty of her annulment process and our levels of trust in Jesus.
I appreciate your work, the vulnerability in sharing your essay this time of year fits the season . Merry Christmas.
I remember over 20 years ago when I was pushed out of my home in a similar manner. I found a great little place, but then it occurred to me: I had never cleaned a bathroom. When I was a kid, my mom found it easier to do it herself then to put up with my complaining. When I had roommates in college and grad school, we just didn't bother. When I got married, my wife figured I would screw it up and so did it herself. So at the ripe old age of 39, I finally learned how to clean a bathroom.
It's weird, isn't it? Not like you couldn't do it yourself, it just...never was something you had to do.
I've lived in messy environments for most of my life. So far I'm doing a pretty decent job of keeping this place tidy and clean. I find that external chaos magnifies my internal chaos, so being in an uncluttered space where everything has its place is very calming.
Not to ignore the weightier issues here, but 1. a few area rugs in warm colors (reds and browns) and organic (not geometric shapes) patterns, 2. a few resilient houseplants (spider plant, pothos), and 3. two not-too-sleek table lamps with yellow light bulbs would do wonders for making your apartment feel more like a home and less like a cubicle. Unless you dig the bro-coding, in which case, rock on with your bad self!
Thank you. Definitely want some plants. Deciding about whether area rugs are worth it. Right now it's easy to clean and I don't need a vacuum, just a broom and mop. I bought an inexpensive loveseat and storage ottoman off of Amazon today that I'll be using to fill the middle space, and the TV is on wheels so I'll probably stick it in front of the closet most of the time and leave the couch against the wall to the left of the desk next to the bed. I'm getting a rolling cart for the kitchen since there's virtually no storage in the cupboards. I want some more art, but I need to navigate the "no holes in walls" policy at the complex. I'm just using pushpins for the stuff I have up. I have a large Hokusai print I want to hang, but I have to find it at my old house first.
I think by the end of January I'll be all set. Might submit more photos for final approval in the comments...lol
I'll chime in here and say I agree with Gracie. I would think the priority would be to make your place feel safe, comfortable, say who you are, and be inviting to your children (if they are allowed to visit). Convenience may make things easy but in the end may make your place feel empty. Put up pictures of your children so they see you care. And have things they like so they can feel like your place is a home - for them.
And then find a places you can get out and go to. Take walks. Find a coffee place you like. Visit churches. Take your drone out and produce videos. Take you children out to parks / wherever to offload their mom. Take up a sport. Teach a sport. Become a boy scout leader. Join a choir. Build something. Start writing about little things you find interesting. Live life.
And then find gigs you can do. How about using your drone for real estate? How about doing tutoring? How about freelance reporting?
You have plenty of skills. Use them. Invent new ones. Climb that metaphorical mountain no matter how intimidating it looks. We're rooting for you!
For me (and perhaps for you, if you get sensory overloaded easily) the area rugs and warm light and plants are better than therapy for sure. Peaceful and warm exterior = peaceful(ish) interior and breathing and shoulder muscles relaxing.
Enjoy that roast! I am so happy to hear you are taking the course. I took a look at it, saw some of the Youtube testimonials, and it looks great. And it was wonderful to see some of your children.
It may not feel like it, but you are moving through this agony fairly rapidly! Much faster than I ever did. I'll be praying for you car until you can get it in.
In solidarity with you, Steve. Thank you for the update. I’ve just downsized into a 70 square foot tiny home in LA. It’s humbling and beautiful and odd all at once. But so grateful to no longer be homeless. To no longer feel disconnected from everyone I care about. To be given another chance.
2025 was a year of personal apocalypse for me. I’m grateful for this oddest of graces. I thank God ahead of time for 2026.
If I had one book to recommend, which helped me at a similarly disorienting time (the year I left seminary formation), it would be The Cloud of Unknowing.
From where I sit...you know, the couch I eat on and read your writing from, occasionally choking because I can't eat and read at the same time, I just want to say....
Are you seeing this, Steve?
Have you grasped how unbelievably far you have come?
Because from where I sit, after all I've been through with you, I have no words to write that could possibly convey how very, very proud I am of your progress.
I attribute a great deal to the Divine Infant, Who hears me beg Him every night for you and your family.
Tis the season, dear Steve.
Good luck with that roast.
If you figure out the rib roast, I'll be there!
My circumstances are different, but I can appreciate your challenges. My parents separated when I was 13, divorced a year later. Family gatherings at holidays were awkward and strange. I always felt out of place. Splitting time between two households every Christmas was stressful. 46 years later, I still don't know how I've maintained my sanity. Thankfully, I have maintained good relationships with my extended family after the initial awkwardness of the broken family wore off. How was is for my dad to deal with the same issues you are encountering? He never really opened up to me about it. However, he and I became very good friends over the years. Hours on the phone trying to fix college football polls, bowl games, political issues and many other things. I am not in your shoes, but having grown up in the roles of the child and seeing how my father dealt with the broken family, I would suggest that you intentionally be involved in your children's lives and be patient with them as they process this major change in their lives. I gave similar advice to my uncle 30 years ago when his family was torn apart by divorce. Today, he has a happy relationship with his adult children. I pray that in the end, you will be able to say the same.
If I can retain a good relationship with my kids, that'll be a huge win. So far, so good. They were very happy to see me the first time I came home. They know I love them tremendously. I'll keep showing up, and do my best.
I bet the rib roast turned out better than you thought it would. Roasts are the most forgiving of all things to cook, seems to me (but then I rely on the crock-pot to do the heavy lifting). Very good to read this essay.
Not really able to grasp the depth of all you have experienced, it does seem to me (reading your essays over the past months since Rod Dreher's post made me awareof your writing), that your new place (Ole Blue?) is going to be a soothing environment.A positive enfironment. Seems to me that men thrive when they do have peace and order, even though clearly yours is a product of being separated from the noise of the life you grieve for. But peace and order are healing. It also seems (if you forgive my random comment) that you are far far far down the road from when you started out on your (for us readers interesting) decisive road trip. If you crank back a couple of months, could you have imagined yourself getting, at least, this fa? It's a long way from being in a car "up north," not sure which way to point it.
So if I have a New Year's wish for you, should I be so presumptuous, it would be to keep holding on to the guide rail you have found, and to try to savor the smallest things (like the rib roast IF it comes out okay :-), and give it time. GIVE it time. Family healings take time. Whether reconciliations you cannot imagine or accepted peace on terms you may not like, but still, a kind of peace, this all takes time. At a certain point, a person of a certain age (like me) either has been through or watched enough cataclysmic life-breakups that it is possible to say, with confidence, that, things will settle. Even warring folks cannot keep it up at the same fever pitch over time. Things do mellow, things do change. Slightly, greatly, but they do not stay stuck in the same miasma.
This is not the pattern you wanted, but it is more than a step forward. All best wishes, one of your readers!
It's in the oven now. We're going to find out in a couple hours!
As for your New Year's wish, thank you. I appreciate it -- and you.
So it was good, but I didn't have a thermometer with a wired probe, and I overestimated the timing based on the recipe, and got it way too close to medium when I'm a medium-rare to rare guy.
Still eating it for days though!
Praying for you Steve.
Pray for me and my family situation as well. Know you’re not suffering alone, although my suffering isn’t anywhere comparable to yours. That said, the difficulty of rejoining the Church after many years of living together unmarried, is painful. Especially the uncertainty of her annulment process and our levels of trust in Jesus.
I appreciate your work, the vulnerability in sharing your essay this time of year fits the season . Merry Christmas.
I can imagine how difficult that is, brother. I respect that you're going through the effort.
I remember over 20 years ago when I was pushed out of my home in a similar manner. I found a great little place, but then it occurred to me: I had never cleaned a bathroom. When I was a kid, my mom found it easier to do it herself then to put up with my complaining. When I had roommates in college and grad school, we just didn't bother. When I got married, my wife figured I would screw it up and so did it herself. So at the ripe old age of 39, I finally learned how to clean a bathroom.
It's weird, isn't it? Not like you couldn't do it yourself, it just...never was something you had to do.
I've lived in messy environments for most of my life. So far I'm doing a pretty decent job of keeping this place tidy and clean. I find that external chaos magnifies my internal chaos, so being in an uncluttered space where everything has its place is very calming.
Not to ignore the weightier issues here, but 1. a few area rugs in warm colors (reds and browns) and organic (not geometric shapes) patterns, 2. a few resilient houseplants (spider plant, pothos), and 3. two not-too-sleek table lamps with yellow light bulbs would do wonders for making your apartment feel more like a home and less like a cubicle. Unless you dig the bro-coding, in which case, rock on with your bad self!
Thank you. Definitely want some plants. Deciding about whether area rugs are worth it. Right now it's easy to clean and I don't need a vacuum, just a broom and mop. I bought an inexpensive loveseat and storage ottoman off of Amazon today that I'll be using to fill the middle space, and the TV is on wheels so I'll probably stick it in front of the closet most of the time and leave the couch against the wall to the left of the desk next to the bed. I'm getting a rolling cart for the kitchen since there's virtually no storage in the cupboards. I want some more art, but I need to navigate the "no holes in walls" policy at the complex. I'm just using pushpins for the stuff I have up. I have a large Hokusai print I want to hang, but I have to find it at my old house first.
I think by the end of January I'll be all set. Might submit more photos for final approval in the comments...lol
I'll chime in here and say I agree with Gracie. I would think the priority would be to make your place feel safe, comfortable, say who you are, and be inviting to your children (if they are allowed to visit). Convenience may make things easy but in the end may make your place feel empty. Put up pictures of your children so they see you care. And have things they like so they can feel like your place is a home - for them.
And then find a places you can get out and go to. Take walks. Find a coffee place you like. Visit churches. Take your drone out and produce videos. Take you children out to parks / wherever to offload their mom. Take up a sport. Teach a sport. Become a boy scout leader. Join a choir. Build something. Start writing about little things you find interesting. Live life.
And then find gigs you can do. How about using your drone for real estate? How about doing tutoring? How about freelance reporting?
You have plenty of skills. Use them. Invent new ones. Climb that metaphorical mountain no matter how intimidating it looks. We're rooting for you!
For me (and perhaps for you, if you get sensory overloaded easily) the area rugs and warm light and plants are better than therapy for sure. Peaceful and warm exterior = peaceful(ish) interior and breathing and shoulder muscles relaxing.
Enjoy that roast! I am so happy to hear you are taking the course. I took a look at it, saw some of the Youtube testimonials, and it looks great. And it was wonderful to see some of your children.
It may not feel like it, but you are moving through this agony fairly rapidly! Much faster than I ever did. I'll be praying for you car until you can get it in.
In solidarity with you, Steve. Thank you for the update. I’ve just downsized into a 70 square foot tiny home in LA. It’s humbling and beautiful and odd all at once. But so grateful to no longer be homeless. To no longer feel disconnected from everyone I care about. To be given another chance.
2025 was a year of personal apocalypse for me. I’m grateful for this oddest of graces. I thank God ahead of time for 2026.
If I had one book to recommend, which helped me at a similarly disorienting time (the year I left seminary formation), it would be The Cloud of Unknowing.
Be sure of my prayers and best wishes.
https://open.substack.com/pub/doxaweb/p/what-gratitude-looks-like-this-thanksgiving