From where I sit...you know, the couch I eat on and read your writing from, occasionally choking because I can't eat and read at the same time, I just want to say....
Are you seeing this, Steve?
Have you grasped how unbelievably far you have come?
Because from where I sit, after all I've been through with you, I have no words to write that could possibly convey how very, very proud I am of your progress.
I attribute a great deal to the Divine Infant, Who hears me beg Him every night for you and your family.
I remember over 20 years ago when I was pushed out of my home in a similar manner. I found a great little place, but then it occurred to me: I had never cleaned a bathroom. When I was a kid, my mom found it easier to do it herself then to put up with my complaining. When I had roommates in college and grad school, we just didn't bother. When I got married, my wife figured I would screw it up and so did it herself. So at the ripe old age of 39, I finally learned how to clean a bathroom.
It's weird, isn't it? Not like you couldn't do it yourself, it just...never was something you had to do.
I've lived in messy environments for most of my life. So far I'm doing a pretty decent job of keeping this place tidy and clean. I find that external chaos magnifies my internal chaos, so being in an uncluttered space where everything has its place is very calming.
I bet the rib roast turned out better than you thought it would. Roasts are the most forgiving of all things to cook, seems to me (but then I rely on the crock-pot to do the heavy lifting). Very good to read this essay.
Not really able to grasp the depth of all you have experienced, it does seem to me (reading your essays over the past months since Rod Dreher's post made me awareof your writing), that your new place (Ole Blue?) is going to be a soothing environment.A positive enfironment. Seems to me that men thrive when they do have peace and order, even though clearly yours is a product of being separated from the noise of the life you grieve for. But peace and order are healing. It also seems (if you forgive my random comment) that you are far far far down the road from when you started out on your (for us readers interesting) decisive road trip. If you crank back a couple of months, could you have imagined yourself getting, at least, this fa? It's a long way from being in a car "up north," not sure which way to point it.
So if I have a New Year's wish for you, should I be so presumptuous, it would be to keep holding on to the guide rail you have found, and to try to savor the smallest things (like the rib roast IF it comes out okay :-), and give it time. GIVE it time. Family healings take time. Whether reconciliations you cannot imagine or accepted peace on terms you may not like, but still, a kind of peace, this all takes time. At a certain point, a person of a certain age (like me) either has been through or watched enough cataclysmic life-breakups that it is possible to say, with confidence, that, things will settle. Even warring folks cannot keep it up at the same fever pitch over time. Things do mellow, things do change. Slightly, greatly, but they do not stay stuck in the same miasma.
This is not the pattern you wanted, but it is more than a step forward. All best wishes, one of your readers!
My circumstances are different, but I can appreciate your challenges. My parents separated when I was 13, divorced a year later. Family gatherings at holidays were awkward and strange. I always felt out of place. Splitting time between two households every Christmas was stressful. 46 years later, I still don't know how I've maintained my sanity. Thankfully, I have maintained good relationships with my extended family after the initial awkwardness of the broken family wore off. How was is for my dad to deal with the same issues you are encountering? He never really opened up to me about it. However, he and I became very good friends over the years. Hours on the phone trying to fix college football polls, bowl games, political issues and many other things. I am not in your shoes, but having grown up in the roles of the child and seeing how my father dealt with the broken family, I would suggest that you intentionally be involved in your children's lives and be patient with them as they process this major change in their lives. I gave similar advice to my uncle 30 years ago when his family was torn apart by divorce. Today, he has a happy relationship with his adult children. I pray that in the end, you will be able to say the same.
If I can retain a good relationship with my kids, that'll be a huge win. So far, so good. They were very happy to see me the first time I came home. They know I love them tremendously. I'll keep showing up, and do my best.
From where I sit...you know, the couch I eat on and read your writing from, occasionally choking because I can't eat and read at the same time, I just want to say....
Are you seeing this, Steve?
Have you grasped how unbelievably far you have come?
Because from where I sit, after all I've been through with you, I have no words to write that could possibly convey how very, very proud I am of your progress.
I attribute a great deal to the Divine Infant, Who hears me beg Him every night for you and your family.
Tis the season, dear Steve.
Good luck with that roast.
I remember over 20 years ago when I was pushed out of my home in a similar manner. I found a great little place, but then it occurred to me: I had never cleaned a bathroom. When I was a kid, my mom found it easier to do it herself then to put up with my complaining. When I had roommates in college and grad school, we just didn't bother. When I got married, my wife figured I would screw it up and so did it herself. So at the ripe old age of 39, I finally learned how to clean a bathroom.
It's weird, isn't it? Not like you couldn't do it yourself, it just...never was something you had to do.
I've lived in messy environments for most of my life. So far I'm doing a pretty decent job of keeping this place tidy and clean. I find that external chaos magnifies my internal chaos, so being in an uncluttered space where everything has its place is very calming.
I bet the rib roast turned out better than you thought it would. Roasts are the most forgiving of all things to cook, seems to me (but then I rely on the crock-pot to do the heavy lifting). Very good to read this essay.
Not really able to grasp the depth of all you have experienced, it does seem to me (reading your essays over the past months since Rod Dreher's post made me awareof your writing), that your new place (Ole Blue?) is going to be a soothing environment.A positive enfironment. Seems to me that men thrive when they do have peace and order, even though clearly yours is a product of being separated from the noise of the life you grieve for. But peace and order are healing. It also seems (if you forgive my random comment) that you are far far far down the road from when you started out on your (for us readers interesting) decisive road trip. If you crank back a couple of months, could you have imagined yourself getting, at least, this fa? It's a long way from being in a car "up north," not sure which way to point it.
So if I have a New Year's wish for you, should I be so presumptuous, it would be to keep holding on to the guide rail you have found, and to try to savor the smallest things (like the rib roast IF it comes out okay :-), and give it time. GIVE it time. Family healings take time. Whether reconciliations you cannot imagine or accepted peace on terms you may not like, but still, a kind of peace, this all takes time. At a certain point, a person of a certain age (like me) either has been through or watched enough cataclysmic life-breakups that it is possible to say, with confidence, that, things will settle. Even warring folks cannot keep it up at the same fever pitch over time. Things do mellow, things do change. Slightly, greatly, but they do not stay stuck in the same miasma.
This is not the pattern you wanted, but it is more than a step forward. All best wishes, one of your readers!
It's in the oven now. We're going to find out in a couple hours!
As for your New Year's wish, thank you. I appreciate it -- and you.
If you figure out the rib roast, I'll be there!
My circumstances are different, but I can appreciate your challenges. My parents separated when I was 13, divorced a year later. Family gatherings at holidays were awkward and strange. I always felt out of place. Splitting time between two households every Christmas was stressful. 46 years later, I still don't know how I've maintained my sanity. Thankfully, I have maintained good relationships with my extended family after the initial awkwardness of the broken family wore off. How was is for my dad to deal with the same issues you are encountering? He never really opened up to me about it. However, he and I became very good friends over the years. Hours on the phone trying to fix college football polls, bowl games, political issues and many other things. I am not in your shoes, but having grown up in the roles of the child and seeing how my father dealt with the broken family, I would suggest that you intentionally be involved in your children's lives and be patient with them as they process this major change in their lives. I gave similar advice to my uncle 30 years ago when his family was torn apart by divorce. Today, he has a happy relationship with his adult children. I pray that in the end, you will be able to say the same.
If I can retain a good relationship with my kids, that'll be a huge win. So far, so good. They were very happy to see me the first time I came home. They know I love them tremendously. I'll keep showing up, and do my best.