Steve, this is beautiful writing. I felt like I was riding alongside you for every mile. The ups and the downs felt as if they were as much mine as yours. I pictured that grandma and the inside of her apartment, and the pool boy in his aviators, as clearly as if I'd seen them for myself.
I know you've struggled with *what* you should be writing about, but to my eyes this is one of the best bits I've read since I subscribed to your 'Stack nearly three years ago now. (Hard to believe it's been that long!)
I really enjoyed your original piece about the world of DoorDash from last week, but I didn't have time to comment. Today, you caught me on my lunch break and in front of a computer and an old school keyboard, which I find infinitesimally easier for putting my thoughts together than swiping imaginary keys on my phone.
So here you go:
1.) Don't let the closed church get you down. I've been there myself a few times. It seems strange to lock up a house of God - and it can feel like a punch to the gut when you're really in need and can't get in. It's alienating in a very real way. But, sadly, it seems to be the trend these days. My old parish started doing this several years ago after an incident with some homeless drug users coming in and doing bad stuff. I get the 'why', but it still feels weird.
2.) I can very much relate to your morning argument with your wife, brooding on it over the course of the day, and reconciling as the sun starts to set. You're not alone. When I read, "I wind up arguing more. I’m in a mood", I couldn't help but smile. Been there, done that.
3.) You're right, work is medicine. The older I get, the more I believe it. I've almost arrived at 42, and I now find work to almost be a break from the chaos, tumult, and raw emotion of the rest of my life. I never would've believed it back when my parents forced me to start my first real job on my sixteenth birthday. Funny how life works.
4.) Get yourself a Honda Fit - or something with decent gas mileage. :)
I bought you a coffee—sounds like you need it. Don't fall asleep at the wheel. You've got a lot of folks out here who'd miss you.
(And sorry for the long comment - I guess that's what happens when you let me in front of an actual keyboard.)
Hey Steve- these DoorDash posts have really brought back some memories for me. I grew up in Phoenix, right by the area where Phoenix, Tempe, and South Scottsdale butt up against each other. I remember spending the covid summer of 2020 (right after I graduated high school- I figure I must be one of your youngest subscribers!) driving Postmates (RIP) deliveries all over the valley. It was lockdown, not much was open, so I would get one or two of my friends to pile in my little Mazda 3 and we'd just drive around listening to music and delivering food. We would go up as far as Troon and Fountain Hills, over all the way to ASU West, and into some of the real sketchy neighborhoods south of downtown (ever been around Alkire Park?) Remembering how much I relied on that experience amidst the aimlessness and chaos of that summer, I really understand what you mean about the power of work to fix our moods and keep us going. The margins were better then, before gas prices went nuts. I don't know if it can really be much of an income source anymore unless you have a hybrid.
I was a founding subscriber, dropped off when money was tight, and recently came back because I really like your writing and I sure you want you to be able to keep doing it. I left Phoenix for college, and now I've just graduated and I'm getting myself set up in a new town once again, so thanks for dragging up the memories (it seems like we're all kind of amnesiac about the beginning of covid).
And a lil tip that Saint Joan of Arc by Greenway and the 51 (which is NOT a 60s monstrosity) and Our Lady of Perpetual Help near Old Town (which unfortunately is) both have perpetual adoration and so should be open in some form most of the day
Great piece, Steve - you do such a good job on posts like this. I know NOTHING about such things, but would working for Uber or Lyft pay better? Just a thought!
I've been doing more Uber Eats. A bit higher, but overall, the return is probably not worth it long term. Unless you have a car that gets crazy good gas mileage and you don't mind running it into the ground.
The problem is that I really enjoy the work, because I get bored doing the same thing all the time. The constant novelty of going to new places and never knowing what's going to come in next has been very soothing in some strange way.
No idea if that will last, and there are certainly better ways to make money in the long term, but I needed short-term cash, and that's happening. Either way, I'll always be grateful for this experience.
Third comment: self-styled marriage and/or family therapy. Try it, you'll like it. My hubby and I have taken stabs at marriage therapy at times, and what we figured out is that the therapist was mainly there to make sure the one spouse let the other spouse speak in a an uninterrupted fashion while the therapist took notes. Marriage therapy is very expensive and time consuming, and who has time and money to make these appointments and spend this money? We did not have the time or money. So we arrived at "self-styled marriage therapy" which improved our marriage and family life. Here are the rules:
1. No cursing. No insults. No interrupting, No yelling. No hitting (of course).
2. Get a timer (your cell phone has a timer). Sit down and get comfortable with your favorite beverage. Take turns speaking (we usually give each other 4 minutes, by turn). NO CROSS TALK. Silence while the other person speaks is NEVER to be interpretted as agreement. Try not to shake your head "no" while the other party is speaking. It is permissible to make notes so that you can remember what you wanted to say when it is your turn to speak.
3. Keep taking 4 minutes turns speaking until you each feel you've said what needed to be said.
4. This technique can be used with all the children, or a select subset of the children (family therapy) where all the chosen children sit in a circle with the parents. Go around and around and around the room as long as it takes for each person to have said their peace in 4-minute intervals. If a child has nothing to say (or spouse), it is permissible to say "Pass."
Now this works quite well, and lowers the tension level, because each person knows they will be heard and get the floor. Sometimes we make it 8 minute turns if we're delving into complex problems. And don't be surprised if at the start of the meeting, everyone or some subset jumps up and starts screaming and yelling and cursing. Just stay at it. Tell that person, calm down, let's try to do this process of taking turns.
Good luck! It is actually fun sometimes. Sometimes we go long months without needing these interactions, but there have been periods of time (some crisis, say, disagreements over the advisability of taking CV vaxxes) where there were intense ongoing meetings (between spouses and with children) for months on end, and weekly meetings (which we combined with a family "home-style" mass (which we did during CV, when we could not attend mass).
I will describe "family home-style mass" another day. It may come in handy, especially if the government decides we need another "lockdown" (hope not, but one never knows).
I wouldn't take the locked church door as a sign that God is brushing you off. That is not His character. Jesus said: "I will never refuse anyone who comes to me." And if God doesn't talk to me (He really doesn't that I can perceive almost EVER), I assume the message is "carry on." But I find myself being moved in certain directions, nevertheless. So there is direction and encouragement taking place, little prompts. Like what? So, my family helps an elderly disabled man who is a neighbor, and in my recent efforts to assist in his financial affairs, it became apparent he lacks adequate ID. (He's been mugged 4 times in NYC, not hurt, but his wallet lifted off his person against his will. ) I felt nudged "do it now." (It is: get the man's identification documents replaced, things like a social security card.) Okay, so I'm undertaking on a hairy task (as a 71-year-old person who is chronically 3 weeks behind on many more pressing chores). Still, I felt emphatically : "you must do this now." I could have blown it off, it wasn't do-or-die financially for the neighbor, but I just felt moved, prompted. So I think God prompted you to go to that church. Try try again.
I will write a second comment about fighting in marriage.
In most places churches MUST be locked due to the ever present risk of desecration. And remember, many desecrators in a perverse way really believe or they wouldn't be bothered.
Second comment about fighting in marriage or fighting within the family: My husband and I have several children and have been happily married 45 years. I would characterize our marriage as "average" (grade C). Studies have been done on people who stay married and people who divorce, and what was found is that the people who stay married often have the exact same problems as the people who divorce, only the people who stay married stubbornly stay married. There are four horses of the marriage apocalyse (this is my thinking), though, that if practiced at a sufficently intense level, will risk divorce (which is devastating for children, even older children and adult children). The 4 horses are (intense levels): Abuse, Adultery, Abandonment and Addiction. I assume you and your spouse are dodging those bullets, but it takes discernment to figure out if you're dodging those bullets. One has to think: am I getting addicted to anything, am I abandoning my spouse by neglecting to listen to that person? Etc.
Third comment, I will describe "self-styled" marriage therapy and family therapy that my spouse and I figured out. It USUALLY works, but sometimes we just scream our heads off in an uncontrolled fashion nevertheless.
Really nice piece of writing. Maybe the locked doors mean the Catholic Church is a dead end for you. Don’t return to your vomit. God will meet you somewhere else.
Steve, this is beautiful writing. I felt like I was riding alongside you for every mile. The ups and the downs felt as if they were as much mine as yours. I pictured that grandma and the inside of her apartment, and the pool boy in his aviators, as clearly as if I'd seen them for myself.
I know you've struggled with *what* you should be writing about, but to my eyes this is one of the best bits I've read since I subscribed to your 'Stack nearly three years ago now. (Hard to believe it's been that long!)
I really enjoyed your original piece about the world of DoorDash from last week, but I didn't have time to comment. Today, you caught me on my lunch break and in front of a computer and an old school keyboard, which I find infinitesimally easier for putting my thoughts together than swiping imaginary keys on my phone.
So here you go:
1.) Don't let the closed church get you down. I've been there myself a few times. It seems strange to lock up a house of God - and it can feel like a punch to the gut when you're really in need and can't get in. It's alienating in a very real way. But, sadly, it seems to be the trend these days. My old parish started doing this several years ago after an incident with some homeless drug users coming in and doing bad stuff. I get the 'why', but it still feels weird.
2.) I can very much relate to your morning argument with your wife, brooding on it over the course of the day, and reconciling as the sun starts to set. You're not alone. When I read, "I wind up arguing more. I’m in a mood", I couldn't help but smile. Been there, done that.
3.) You're right, work is medicine. The older I get, the more I believe it. I've almost arrived at 42, and I now find work to almost be a break from the chaos, tumult, and raw emotion of the rest of my life. I never would've believed it back when my parents forced me to start my first real job on my sixteenth birthday. Funny how life works.
4.) Get yourself a Honda Fit - or something with decent gas mileage. :)
I bought you a coffee—sounds like you need it. Don't fall asleep at the wheel. You've got a lot of folks out here who'd miss you.
(And sorry for the long comment - I guess that's what happens when you let me in front of an actual keyboard.)
Thanks for all of this! I appreciate you!
Hey Steve- these DoorDash posts have really brought back some memories for me. I grew up in Phoenix, right by the area where Phoenix, Tempe, and South Scottsdale butt up against each other. I remember spending the covid summer of 2020 (right after I graduated high school- I figure I must be one of your youngest subscribers!) driving Postmates (RIP) deliveries all over the valley. It was lockdown, not much was open, so I would get one or two of my friends to pile in my little Mazda 3 and we'd just drive around listening to music and delivering food. We would go up as far as Troon and Fountain Hills, over all the way to ASU West, and into some of the real sketchy neighborhoods south of downtown (ever been around Alkire Park?) Remembering how much I relied on that experience amidst the aimlessness and chaos of that summer, I really understand what you mean about the power of work to fix our moods and keep us going. The margins were better then, before gas prices went nuts. I don't know if it can really be much of an income source anymore unless you have a hybrid.
I was a founding subscriber, dropped off when money was tight, and recently came back because I really like your writing and I sure you want you to be able to keep doing it. I left Phoenix for college, and now I've just graduated and I'm getting myself set up in a new town once again, so thanks for dragging up the memories (it seems like we're all kind of amnesiac about the beginning of covid).
And a lil tip that Saint Joan of Arc by Greenway and the 51 (which is NOT a 60s monstrosity) and Our Lady of Perpetual Help near Old Town (which unfortunately is) both have perpetual adoration and so should be open in some form most of the day
Appreciate the comment, thanks. I have no idea how long this will work for me, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.
And thanks for re-subbing!
Great piece, Steve - you do such a good job on posts like this. I know NOTHING about such things, but would working for Uber or Lyft pay better? Just a thought!
I've been doing more Uber Eats. A bit higher, but overall, the return is probably not worth it long term. Unless you have a car that gets crazy good gas mileage and you don't mind running it into the ground.
The problem is that I really enjoy the work, because I get bored doing the same thing all the time. The constant novelty of going to new places and never knowing what's going to come in next has been very soothing in some strange way.
No idea if that will last, and there are certainly better ways to make money in the long term, but I needed short-term cash, and that's happening. Either way, I'll always be grateful for this experience.
I have nothing to add to the conversation. I'll just say that I really enjoyed this piece and look forward to the next installment!
Thanks!
Third comment: self-styled marriage and/or family therapy. Try it, you'll like it. My hubby and I have taken stabs at marriage therapy at times, and what we figured out is that the therapist was mainly there to make sure the one spouse let the other spouse speak in a an uninterrupted fashion while the therapist took notes. Marriage therapy is very expensive and time consuming, and who has time and money to make these appointments and spend this money? We did not have the time or money. So we arrived at "self-styled marriage therapy" which improved our marriage and family life. Here are the rules:
1. No cursing. No insults. No interrupting, No yelling. No hitting (of course).
2. Get a timer (your cell phone has a timer). Sit down and get comfortable with your favorite beverage. Take turns speaking (we usually give each other 4 minutes, by turn). NO CROSS TALK. Silence while the other person speaks is NEVER to be interpretted as agreement. Try not to shake your head "no" while the other party is speaking. It is permissible to make notes so that you can remember what you wanted to say when it is your turn to speak.
3. Keep taking 4 minutes turns speaking until you each feel you've said what needed to be said.
4. This technique can be used with all the children, or a select subset of the children (family therapy) where all the chosen children sit in a circle with the parents. Go around and around and around the room as long as it takes for each person to have said their peace in 4-minute intervals. If a child has nothing to say (or spouse), it is permissible to say "Pass."
Now this works quite well, and lowers the tension level, because each person knows they will be heard and get the floor. Sometimes we make it 8 minute turns if we're delving into complex problems. And don't be surprised if at the start of the meeting, everyone or some subset jumps up and starts screaming and yelling and cursing. Just stay at it. Tell that person, calm down, let's try to do this process of taking turns.
Good luck! It is actually fun sometimes. Sometimes we go long months without needing these interactions, but there have been periods of time (some crisis, say, disagreements over the advisability of taking CV vaxxes) where there were intense ongoing meetings (between spouses and with children) for months on end, and weekly meetings (which we combined with a family "home-style" mass (which we did during CV, when we could not attend mass).
I will describe "family home-style mass" another day. It may come in handy, especially if the government decides we need another "lockdown" (hope not, but one never knows).
I wouldn't take the locked church door as a sign that God is brushing you off. That is not His character. Jesus said: "I will never refuse anyone who comes to me." And if God doesn't talk to me (He really doesn't that I can perceive almost EVER), I assume the message is "carry on." But I find myself being moved in certain directions, nevertheless. So there is direction and encouragement taking place, little prompts. Like what? So, my family helps an elderly disabled man who is a neighbor, and in my recent efforts to assist in his financial affairs, it became apparent he lacks adequate ID. (He's been mugged 4 times in NYC, not hurt, but his wallet lifted off his person against his will. ) I felt nudged "do it now." (It is: get the man's identification documents replaced, things like a social security card.) Okay, so I'm undertaking on a hairy task (as a 71-year-old person who is chronically 3 weeks behind on many more pressing chores). Still, I felt emphatically : "you must do this now." I could have blown it off, it wasn't do-or-die financially for the neighbor, but I just felt moved, prompted. So I think God prompted you to go to that church. Try try again.
I will write a second comment about fighting in marriage.
In most places churches MUST be locked due to the ever present risk of desecration. And remember, many desecrators in a perverse way really believe or they wouldn't be bothered.
Second comment about fighting in marriage or fighting within the family: My husband and I have several children and have been happily married 45 years. I would characterize our marriage as "average" (grade C). Studies have been done on people who stay married and people who divorce, and what was found is that the people who stay married often have the exact same problems as the people who divorce, only the people who stay married stubbornly stay married. There are four horses of the marriage apocalyse (this is my thinking), though, that if practiced at a sufficently intense level, will risk divorce (which is devastating for children, even older children and adult children). The 4 horses are (intense levels): Abuse, Adultery, Abandonment and Addiction. I assume you and your spouse are dodging those bullets, but it takes discernment to figure out if you're dodging those bullets. One has to think: am I getting addicted to anything, am I abandoning my spouse by neglecting to listen to that person? Etc.
Third comment, I will describe "self-styled" marriage therapy and family therapy that my spouse and I figured out. It USUALLY works, but sometimes we just scream our heads off in an uncontrolled fashion nevertheless.
Really nice piece of writing. Maybe the locked doors mean the Catholic Church is a dead end for you. Don’t return to your vomit. God will meet you somewhere else.
God seems intent not to meet me anywhere, but he has an open invitation.