The Black Coffee Theory
Just because something sounds smart, doesn't mean it is.
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I’ve watched enough motivational and self-help stuff trying to climb out of the black hole that my life became last year that the algorithm likes to spoon feed it to me.
Some of it is good. Some of it is dumb. Most of it is shallow and oversimplified.
Every once in a while, though, you come across one that feels good and seems right and even sounds smart, but it really isn’t.
If you package what I like to call “mic drop wisdom” beautifully enough, most people will swallow it right up. It’s powerful because it’s oversimplified.
And when I came across this today, that’s almost what I did:
Transcript:
Most people don’t get the things they want out of life for this very reason. You wanna rewire your brain? Have you ever heard of the black coffee theory?
The black coffee theory goes that you go to a coffee shop and you really want a latte, but when you get up to the barista, she asks what you want and you say, ‘I don’t know, I just know that I don’t want a black coffee.’ She asks again, ‘But what do you want?’ You say, ‘I don’t know. I just really know that I don’t want a black coffee.’ The barista walks away confused. She’s dealing with multiple orders and when it comes time to get yours, the only thing she can recall is ‘black coffee.’ A few minutes go by, and a black coffee lands on your table—because that’s all you mentioned.
Most people are living their lives this way, even if they’re not vocalizing it. You know: ‘I don’t want to be poor.’ ‘I don’t want to be stuck in a feeling of lack.’ ‘I don’t want to feel invisible.’ ‘I don’t want to feel angry.’
Even if you’re not vocalizing it, you’re internalizing those feelings.
Whatever you don’t want in life—if you focus on that, be prepared to receive it the most. You need to be specific—very specific—about what you want out of this life. If you want a latte, black coffee has nothing to do with it.
It’s a well done video. It’s a common theme in “manifestation” circles, but stated unusually eloquently here.
The problem is that it’s not truly as axiomatic as it feels.
Plenty of intelligent baristas would say, “You said you wanted anything but a black coffee, so I made you this. I think you’ll like it.”
Life throws curveballs all the time.
Not every season of your life is driven by a desire for something. Sometimes, you only know which things you don’t want.
If you wake up in a burning house, you almost certainly don’t have a specific destination in mind when you head for the nearest exit. You only know that you don’t want to stay in the fire.
No matter how beautifully framed it is, cheap wisdom is still cheap.
Some people live and die by this kind of content, doomscrolling their way through videos that feel profound but subtly alter their beliefs and change the course of their lives in ways they may not even see — and not always for the better. How many of you have come across the advice, for example, to “cut toxic people out of your life” if you want to be healthy and succeed, and your mind goes straight to that one relationship (or maybe it’s more than one) that causes you angst, and instead of working on fixing it, you start pulling away?
The method outlined in the video above is cognitively useful, don’t get me wrong. It does help to focus on the things you want and not the ones you don’t, because it helps you to align with those outcomes.
But only within the proper context.
If you make it absolute, you’ll miss the bigger picture.
Sometimes life isn’t a coffee shop.
Sometimes, it’s a house fire.
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This definitely doesn't work in a "manifesting" sort of way, like you said. You can't bring something about simply by really wanting (or not wanting) it, in the new-agey, witchcraft kind of way that just about every teenage-to-thirty-something female in this country apparently believes in. (Trust me, I watch their videos.) But the coffee story did make me chuckle a bit. About 10 years ago, while browsing in Bed, Bath & Beyond, I asked my husband (who was in the store with me) for a bathroom vanity stool for Christmas. They had about five or six to choose from, so he asked me which one I liked. They were all decent except for one. It was upholstered in a white fabric, and I knew it would get dingy-looking, and quickly. So I said to him, "I'd take any one of these, except this one," and pointed to the white stool.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you which one I got for Christmas! Of course, when I recounted the shopping trip and what I had said, he replied, "I just remembered that you pointed out that one." And no, I was NOT mean about it. It was actually very funny. But I did exchange it! :)
As an aside...I trained dogs for about 15 years, and I learned something about giving direction that applies equally to dogs and toddlers. Neither dogs nor toddlers are capable of understanding a negative command. So if your dog is jumping on you and you want him to stop, you shouldn't say, "No!" or "Don't jump!" That has no meaning. Instead, you should say, "Sit." That gives the dog something to DO that he actually understands. And as a bonus...he can't sit and jump at the same time. (Technically, this is called cueing a incompatible behavior.) Similarly, with a toddler or very young child, you'll get a better response by saying, "Whisper!" than you will if you say, "Stop yelling!" So on a basic level, there IS something to be said for the idea of telling someone (even yourself) what you WANT, rather than what you don't want. But figuring out what that is in the first place? Yeah, that can be a much more complicated process.
This old lady can't keep up, Steve. You're on fire.
I did an experiment with this article to prove a point. I read it earlier. I then went outside to prune some trees. I sat down and read it again. And these are my findings:
1. I am not as smart and savvy as I think.
2. I don't get the point because my mind wanders.
3. What does it say when, having read it twice, all I could think of was the poor barista who probably wasn't listening because she was worried about where she could park her car that night so she and her kids would be safe while they slept.
Seriously.