I'm going to get ahead of the concerned comments here. Yes, I'm dealing with a lot of really difficult shit right now, but this is my way of trying to get a handle on it.
When we go through the worst times in our lives, it always involves other people, either as the direct causes of pain, or in the ways that we feel isolated from others, thinking they wouldn't understand or appreciate what we're going through, or when it's just too personal or painful to talk things through.
The need for circumspection, the intentional avoidance of talking about the thing that is hurting you most, because there's no good way to handle that conversation and you're not even sure it's appropriate to have, lies at the heart of this reflection. This is a hard thing to grapple with in general, and as a very confessional writer accustomed to wearing my heart of my sleeve, I am trying to learn the boundaries of propriety. How can I talk about my pain without naming its causes? How can I exorcize what I am dealing with if I can't speak to it directly?
This is about THAT aspect of the struggle. The needing to talk but not being able to. The desperation for things to change that are outside of our control. The excruciating experience of having to simply endure the pain alone, because sometimes, that's all you can really do.
I know many of you are probably worried about me, but just know that while I am a tortured soul, I also have a lot of strength and endurance. I welcome your prayers and your support and your love, but this is just me trying to find a way to channel pain into art, where it has some purpose and place.
Life is a very lonely thing in the end it seems. I may not be able to completely understand your pain specifically because I'm not in your shoes. But I can empathize with you, I have my own ghosts that I can't seem to shake off. I've lost count of how many times I lie awake in bed at 3am feeling ashamed and regretful of past behaviors of mine. Things I said, things I did, what I failed to do. Some of these things happened over 20 years ago, and I still turn red with embarrassment like it was just yesterday. You can't look at yourself the same way for some reason, you don't want to meet anyone anymore because you don't want them to know who you are. I will absolutely say prayers for you (how or if they work I don't know), please say a little one for me too homie. - Tony 3.23.25
Precisely this. And one of the most torturous thoughts is that I may very well be doing things today that I am completely unable (at this present moment in time) comprehend that in twenty years time I may also come to regret. I feel backed into a corner, with no where to run from myself.
People who attempted to destroy my family and I are on social media. Even though they were the aggressors, I choose not to partake because I fear the confrontation, even though I can see the potential benefits that social media can afford, especially in the professional arena (while simultaneously acknowledging the privacy nightmare these social networks really are).
I greatly admire people like Steve who are willing to put it all “out there”. I have more than once thought of doing the same here or elsewhere, but fear the repercussions if I were to use my name. This is especially true on Substack where Trads (and Orthobros) seem to have an ever growing prevalence and can speak into their own echo chamber as it were. Unlike Steve, I quietly disappeared from the trad scene. Only those closest to me know my story. So, I do nothing fearing regret if I start writing, and yet regret saying nothing… because of… fear of future regrets.
I wish I wasn’t so sensitive and could care less what others think. But I know the roots of bitterness are still there no matter how many times I have attempted to forgive. Yeah, these people live rent-free in my head. I care too much, and am always emotionally invested. It sucks.
Steve’s posts about Autism made me wonder if perhaps I am on the spectrum. The self-testing I have done seems to confirm this. Can’t find any evaluators in my area that work with adults, though.
I think I can relate to you very well Thomas. I'm sorry you're going through that shit show. Forgive me if I'm crossing any boundaries, but I think I used to talk to you a little bit on Twitter circa three years ago. If I'm correct, I think you were a teacher, and you were sick of the job, but didn't know what else to do? You had some interesting takes on Twitter, I even wrote some down to be honest, I've got them somewhere.
I wish I could shrug things off better and thicken my skin too. As I get older I've been better, but almost too little too late kind of a thing. I got out of Twitter years ago, it was just too caustic and addictive to me. And yes, I can't stand dealing with any type of zealous fundamentalist Christian, whatever the denomination. I'm having none of it.
Thank you, Anthony, for the kind words. Never was on Twitter (at least as a poster). And while I don’t teach, I do feel backed into the corner with a consulting job at a faith-based business of a fundamentalist flavor (selling my soul out for the $’s right now.) If it weren’t for other familial concerns and responsibilities, I’d quit and ride my bike across the US or attempt to move to another (cheap) country just to get a different perspective. I sense that “modern life” is unfulfilling at best and cruel at worst for so many of us.
Very well-written, perhaps your best. It sounds like you are struggling with something demonic, which you explicitly mention. At the risk of running afoul of your aversions, may I say that the monthly sessions at www.catholicexorcism.org did me a world of good, freed me from the many demons I was wrestling with and gave me unprecedented — and stable, long-term — peace, joy, and happiness (3 years so far). My friend was freed from a cloud of oppressiveness that hung over him (though he still has other issues to deal with). Your expression of affliction gives me something more concrete to pray for in my continued daily prayers for you.
Here’s some non spiritual advice that has helped me a lot, I started brisk exercising first thing in the morning, even if it’s just a long walk, it makes me hold off on coffee, then a cold shower, then coffee, it sets my mind right first thing, and it’s a victory to start the day
I'm naturally a night owl, and I notice that the more disenchanted I am with everything, the more I slide into the mode of staying up late, hunting dopamine. Reading, writing, playing a game, watching shows, doomscrolling, whatever.
It's quiet, nobody is bothering me, I just get to do my thing.
But then morning becomes a problem. I want to get up early enough to do those walks, but after being up late and tossing and turning, I can't drag myself out of bed in the morning before the child-chaos hits.
I'm trying to psyche myself up to do a schedule shift, but we're a house that operates late. It's going to take some doing. Because if I don't get that walk in first thing in the morning, I don't get it in at all.
I appreciate your comment of getting ahead of concerned comments. I was all riled up to give you "the sermon" :)
Seriously, just remember what Jesus said to Peter: Get behind me satan! I say it many times throughout the day, and then I am comforted by some remark 'the devil torments and festers the soul who longs for God'
Its name is "the devil." Remember, the devil is a liar. One cannot drive out a bad thought without putting good thoughts in its place. So where to get them? For some, music (that's me) or podcasts (me) or reading (me). Try dancing or taking a walk outside or reading to Eli. Count your blessings.
Did you watch "I never promised you a rose garden"? (Or read it?) Really good about fighting the demon at noon. I liked the ending scene of the movie, where Deborah has to choose between staying with her imaginary "friends", who are really hectoring enemies that torment her, who are calling out to her (as she is squeezing them out of her life) "We could be with you." She hears them and looks up at them calling to her from the branches in the trees above her, but then turns away and decides instead to "play ball (baseball)" and talk to the boys nearby. It's a good read and a good movie, based on a true story. Or watch (or read) "Girl interrupted." Maybe a chick flick that one. Who else? Elizabeth Wurtzel fought off all her demons, but boy, what a struggle she went through. She was victorious. All heroines. What about male heroes? Ah... substackers, give us a hand here. What male protagonist emerged victorious? I am drawing a blank from lack of reading "male stuff." Ah, Pierre in "War and Peace." Levin in "Anna Karenina." Those are ficticious characters, but based on Tolstoy's own experiences (obviously).
Get back, get back, get back to where you once belonged. (The Beatles)
I'm going to get ahead of the concerned comments here. Yes, I'm dealing with a lot of really difficult shit right now, but this is my way of trying to get a handle on it.
When we go through the worst times in our lives, it always involves other people, either as the direct causes of pain, or in the ways that we feel isolated from others, thinking they wouldn't understand or appreciate what we're going through, or when it's just too personal or painful to talk things through.
The need for circumspection, the intentional avoidance of talking about the thing that is hurting you most, because there's no good way to handle that conversation and you're not even sure it's appropriate to have, lies at the heart of this reflection. This is a hard thing to grapple with in general, and as a very confessional writer accustomed to wearing my heart of my sleeve, I am trying to learn the boundaries of propriety. How can I talk about my pain without naming its causes? How can I exorcize what I am dealing with if I can't speak to it directly?
This is about THAT aspect of the struggle. The needing to talk but not being able to. The desperation for things to change that are outside of our control. The excruciating experience of having to simply endure the pain alone, because sometimes, that's all you can really do.
I know many of you are probably worried about me, but just know that while I am a tortured soul, I also have a lot of strength and endurance. I welcome your prayers and your support and your love, but this is just me trying to find a way to channel pain into art, where it has some purpose and place.
Life is a very lonely thing in the end it seems. I may not be able to completely understand your pain specifically because I'm not in your shoes. But I can empathize with you, I have my own ghosts that I can't seem to shake off. I've lost count of how many times I lie awake in bed at 3am feeling ashamed and regretful of past behaviors of mine. Things I said, things I did, what I failed to do. Some of these things happened over 20 years ago, and I still turn red with embarrassment like it was just yesterday. You can't look at yourself the same way for some reason, you don't want to meet anyone anymore because you don't want them to know who you are. I will absolutely say prayers for you (how or if they work I don't know), please say a little one for me too homie. - Tony 3.23.25
You got it brother
Precisely this. And one of the most torturous thoughts is that I may very well be doing things today that I am completely unable (at this present moment in time) comprehend that in twenty years time I may also come to regret. I feel backed into a corner, with no where to run from myself.
Absolutely. I'm so grateful there was no social media when I was in high school, and I managed to steer clear of it in my 20's and 30's.
People who attempted to destroy my family and I are on social media. Even though they were the aggressors, I choose not to partake because I fear the confrontation, even though I can see the potential benefits that social media can afford, especially in the professional arena (while simultaneously acknowledging the privacy nightmare these social networks really are).
I greatly admire people like Steve who are willing to put it all “out there”. I have more than once thought of doing the same here or elsewhere, but fear the repercussions if I were to use my name. This is especially true on Substack where Trads (and Orthobros) seem to have an ever growing prevalence and can speak into their own echo chamber as it were. Unlike Steve, I quietly disappeared from the trad scene. Only those closest to me know my story. So, I do nothing fearing regret if I start writing, and yet regret saying nothing… because of… fear of future regrets.
I wish I wasn’t so sensitive and could care less what others think. But I know the roots of bitterness are still there no matter how many times I have attempted to forgive. Yeah, these people live rent-free in my head. I care too much, and am always emotionally invested. It sucks.
Steve’s posts about Autism made me wonder if perhaps I am on the spectrum. The self-testing I have done seems to confirm this. Can’t find any evaluators in my area that work with adults, though.
I think I can relate to you very well Thomas. I'm sorry you're going through that shit show. Forgive me if I'm crossing any boundaries, but I think I used to talk to you a little bit on Twitter circa three years ago. If I'm correct, I think you were a teacher, and you were sick of the job, but didn't know what else to do? You had some interesting takes on Twitter, I even wrote some down to be honest, I've got them somewhere.
I wish I could shrug things off better and thicken my skin too. As I get older I've been better, but almost too little too late kind of a thing. I got out of Twitter years ago, it was just too caustic and addictive to me. And yes, I can't stand dealing with any type of zealous fundamentalist Christian, whatever the denomination. I'm having none of it.
Thank you, Anthony, for the kind words. Never was on Twitter (at least as a poster). And while I don’t teach, I do feel backed into the corner with a consulting job at a faith-based business of a fundamentalist flavor (selling my soul out for the $’s right now.) If it weren’t for other familial concerns and responsibilities, I’d quit and ride my bike across the US or attempt to move to another (cheap) country just to get a different perspective. I sense that “modern life” is unfulfilling at best and cruel at worst for so many of us.
Well the writing is fabulous. No one is ever really alone.
Steve, your writing always reels me in. It makes me feel. I’ve followed you for a long time - and I continue to read.every.word. Thanks.
Thanks, Bob!
Steve, you are quite the poet! You will be in my prayers!
Mike
Very well-written, perhaps your best. It sounds like you are struggling with something demonic, which you explicitly mention. At the risk of running afoul of your aversions, may I say that the monthly sessions at www.catholicexorcism.org did me a world of good, freed me from the many demons I was wrestling with and gave me unprecedented — and stable, long-term — peace, joy, and happiness (3 years so far). My friend was freed from a cloud of oppressiveness that hung over him (though he still has other issues to deal with). Your expression of affliction gives me something more concrete to pray for in my continued daily prayers for you.
Here’s some non spiritual advice that has helped me a lot, I started brisk exercising first thing in the morning, even if it’s just a long walk, it makes me hold off on coffee, then a cold shower, then coffee, it sets my mind right first thing, and it’s a victory to start the day
I'm naturally a night owl, and I notice that the more disenchanted I am with everything, the more I slide into the mode of staying up late, hunting dopamine. Reading, writing, playing a game, watching shows, doomscrolling, whatever.
It's quiet, nobody is bothering me, I just get to do my thing.
But then morning becomes a problem. I want to get up early enough to do those walks, but after being up late and tossing and turning, I can't drag myself out of bed in the morning before the child-chaos hits.
I'm trying to psyche myself up to do a schedule shift, but we're a house that operates late. It's going to take some doing. Because if I don't get that walk in first thing in the morning, I don't get it in at all.
Begin again. Lord, set Steve free from the hunter’s snare.
Hang in there dude
I appreciate your comment of getting ahead of concerned comments. I was all riled up to give you "the sermon" :)
Seriously, just remember what Jesus said to Peter: Get behind me satan! I say it many times throughout the day, and then I am comforted by some remark 'the devil torments and festers the soul who longs for God'
Your writing! Keep at it! Deo gratias!
Have a beer or a shot man. Sobriety isn’t for everyone.
Its name is "the devil." Remember, the devil is a liar. One cannot drive out a bad thought without putting good thoughts in its place. So where to get them? For some, music (that's me) or podcasts (me) or reading (me). Try dancing or taking a walk outside or reading to Eli. Count your blessings.
Did you watch "I never promised you a rose garden"? (Or read it?) Really good about fighting the demon at noon. I liked the ending scene of the movie, where Deborah has to choose between staying with her imaginary "friends", who are really hectoring enemies that torment her, who are calling out to her (as she is squeezing them out of her life) "We could be with you." She hears them and looks up at them calling to her from the branches in the trees above her, but then turns away and decides instead to "play ball (baseball)" and talk to the boys nearby. It's a good read and a good movie, based on a true story. Or watch (or read) "Girl interrupted." Maybe a chick flick that one. Who else? Elizabeth Wurtzel fought off all her demons, but boy, what a struggle she went through. She was victorious. All heroines. What about male heroes? Ah... substackers, give us a hand here. What male protagonist emerged victorious? I am drawing a blank from lack of reading "male stuff." Ah, Pierre in "War and Peace." Levin in "Anna Karenina." Those are ficticious characters, but based on Tolstoy's own experiences (obviously).
Get back, get back, get back to where you once belonged. (The Beatles)