I am so grateful for the way people showed up to help my family. We exceeded the fundraising goal within 24 hours. Just incredible. Asking for help like this is so uncomfortable for me, especially because I’ve had to do it before. But when your daughter comes to you, afraid about what’s happening and asks you to do what you can, letting shame and embarrassment win is not an option.
You said "When you can’t find the answers, sometimes you just have to keep working the problem from different angles" so I offer you these potentially alternative angles which struck me as I read your words:
"The only thing I can possibly see is that I'm being forced to find out who I really am"
--> Or who God really is.
"To what end? Why is this important enough for all this destruction?"
--> Re-ask that while visualizing Christ crucified. YOU are important enough for THAT destruction.
“You don’t know that God answered that prayer; that was people who did that. That was the goodness of other human beings.”
--> Where does the goodness of human beings come from? God is goodness itself. In Him we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28). From Him and to Him and through Him are all things (Romans 11:36).
Some things I see no other angle for, I just agree with:
"I just can’t force it. I have to ride the waves. I have to get to the other side of this storm. Whatever is happening to me, it has to be earned. It can’t just be rushed."
Love you, brother. This essay really spoke to me. I’ve never had a fall as hard as yours, but I go through periods (like now) where I give into to despair and say F it all—my (second) marriage seems mostly like a failure. My children have real problems that I’ve either helped cause or am seemingly powerless to help. My pet sins over struggled with for years are as prevalent as ever. And God mostly doesn’t answer. But the world is still beautiful and “to whom shall we go?” as Peter said. Thank you for reminding me of that.
I was really struck in particular by your comment about your kids. I feel like that all the time. They have so much anxiety and I don’t know how to help them because I never figured out how to fix it in myself.
Just keep plugging away. The Light is there, waiting for you. Never, ever give up.
I lost everything-business, house, money everything after 9/11. As everything was falling apart I was diagnosed with cancer. My insurance lasted just long enough to cover surgery and radiation treatment. After that, I was a cancer survivor with no health insurance for over 10 years until the Healthcare Marketplace came along.
Along the way I found Peace. The type that passes understanding. The Peace is Christ, bathed in His Father's Glory.
So I speak from experience when I say the Light is there, waiting for you. There is a tunnel, and then there is the end of the tunnel. Like a tunnel, the Light may be dim at first, but by continuing to move forward through the tunnel the Light will get brighter.
1. Great prayer for the desperate: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Pray like the Hesychasts. Say it slow. Breathe it.
2. It’s both God and people. Without God there would be no goodness in people. God taught us the truth of irrational goodness. Even the atheists recognize it without admitting the source.
Lately, when I've been feeling unmotivated or having a hard time getting out of bed, I sing that little song from the old claymation Kris Kringle movie: Put one foot in front of the other...
And thank you. I feel like I’ve tapped into something deep inside of me, the real part, the part that is in love with the wonder in the world even through all the heartbreak and loss, and I want to find ways to nurture it so it can really flourish.
I’m reticent to say it’s my “calling,” at this point, but it feels dang close.
You said "When you can’t find the answers, sometimes you just have to keep working the problem from different angles" so I offer you these potentially alternative angles which struck me as I read your words:
"The only thing I can possibly see is that I'm being forced to find out who I really am"
--> Or who God really is.
"To what end? Why is this important enough for all this destruction?"
--> Re-ask that while visualizing Christ crucified. YOU are important enough for THAT destruction.
“You don’t know that God answered that prayer; that was people who did that. That was the goodness of other human beings.”
--> Where does the goodness of human beings come from? God is goodness itself. In Him we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28). From Him and to Him and through Him are all things (Romans 11:36).
Some things I see no other angle for, I just agree with:
"I just can’t force it. I have to ride the waves. I have to get to the other side of this storm. Whatever is happening to me, it has to be earned. It can’t just be rushed."
--> Yes.
"not a furnace, but a forge"
--> Yes.
"the only way out is through"
--> Yes.
Love you, brother. This essay really spoke to me. I’ve never had a fall as hard as yours, but I go through periods (like now) where I give into to despair and say F it all—my (second) marriage seems mostly like a failure. My children have real problems that I’ve either helped cause or am seemingly powerless to help. My pet sins over struggled with for years are as prevalent as ever. And God mostly doesn’t answer. But the world is still beautiful and “to whom shall we go?” as Peter said. Thank you for reminding me of that.
I swear we’re brothers from another mother. You sound so much like how I feel.
Amen. In a lot of other ways too, I think.
I was really struck in particular by your comment about your kids. I feel like that all the time. They have so much anxiety and I don’t know how to help them because I never figured out how to fix it in myself.
Just keep plugging away. The Light is there, waiting for you. Never, ever give up.
I lost everything-business, house, money everything after 9/11. As everything was falling apart I was diagnosed with cancer. My insurance lasted just long enough to cover surgery and radiation treatment. After that, I was a cancer survivor with no health insurance for over 10 years until the Healthcare Marketplace came along.
Along the way I found Peace. The type that passes understanding. The Peace is Christ, bathed in His Father's Glory.
So I speak from experience when I say the Light is there, waiting for you. There is a tunnel, and then there is the end of the tunnel. Like a tunnel, the Light may be dim at first, but by continuing to move forward through the tunnel the Light will get brighter.
Continue to move forward.
1. Great prayer for the desperate: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Pray like the Hesychasts. Say it slow. Breathe it.
2. It’s both God and people. Without God there would be no goodness in people. God taught us the truth of irrational goodness. Even the atheists recognize it without admitting the source.
Lately, when I've been feeling unmotivated or having a hard time getting out of bed, I sing that little song from the old claymation Kris Kringle movie: Put one foot in front of the other...
Reepicheep. “Further in and further up!” https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/narnia/images/6/69/Reepaslanscountry.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120709211935
That is so cool.
And thank you. I feel like I’ve tapped into something deep inside of me, the real part, the part that is in love with the wonder in the world even through all the heartbreak and loss, and I want to find ways to nurture it so it can really flourish.
I’m reticent to say it’s my “calling,” at this point, but it feels dang close.