Well, I'm too old to get divorced and never wanted divorce anyway, so take all my wanderings with a grain of salt. It has been my observation that there are four horsemen of the marriage apopcalypse. If you or your spouse do not engage in ANY of these, chances are, your marriage will survive. They are the 4 "A's" to avoid: adultery, abandonment, abuse and addiction. Dodge those bullets at all cost. It may cost a person a lot to dodge all those bullets, such as "don't argue back," and "forgive and forget," and "there's 50 ways to leave your lover that do NOT constitute abandonment." Yes, it's true. One can get some space from one's spouse without technically leaving them--just make yourself available. If the person is busy or otherwise engaged, carry on, working, praying, checking in. And I think sometimes that separation helps. So do not give up hope. "To every thing, turn turn turn, there is a season..." one such season in marriage is sometimes giving eachother space (but making yourself available).
Now, what does one do if the spouse or oneself has engaged in one or more of those A's? Well, one can try to stop engaging in the A's and apologize, turn over a new leaf, and start again. And there may be a time to sort of "leave your lover (but being available)" to let them breathe and forgive. Hope springs eternal. Do not give up. Do not start dating. Engage in other social activities, even if you don't feel like it. Even if you have to drag yourself.
Return to God. If God gets in, stuff happens. God is pro-marriage and pro-family and cares about children. So I'd be patient, but I'd also reach out and join groups to get around people. Sometimes I just go to the gym to be around people if I feel lonely. I am often alone, Steve, I have a black-belt in solitude. I've written many techniques for being productive, things like list-making, etc., so not repeating. I am a master list-maker and I obey the list. Sometimes I procrastinate. Start with the task that irks you least, I find. If the mind is tired, use the body (scrub, etc.) If the body is tired, use the mind (make youtubes, write).
Try praying 2 hours a day. Just do it. You'll be amazed. I had a pre-prayer life, and a post-prayer life, and they're not on the same planet. I pray when I don't feel like praying. Not praying is like being "unplugged" from the spiritual electricity. It's like being an Eveready Bunny with the batteries removed. One cannot get through life without God's help. I know I can't. Two hours of prayer every day, and that doesn't mean piling up a ton of words. Put yourself in God's presence. Then: ask forgiveness, worship and adore, give thanksgiving and make petitions. That's it. And talk to Him likes He's in the room (because God is omnipresent).
Waiting for those youtubes. Your fan base will watch anything you put out video-wise, so go for it.
Been there, done that - divorce, conversion, annulment, marriage again. My son is currently in the priesthood formation program, and he had to undergo a comprehensive psych eval (and it was a lot more than some old monseigneur asking "Now, Son, are you gay?". Thankfully, he passed.) Perhaps any couple seeking marriage in the Church should be required to undergo the same. Looking back, it could have saved me lots of grief, but on the other hand, I wouldn't have my son.
Of all the sayings of Pope Francis on airplanes, off the cuff remarks and supposed interviews which were so telling, I remember his statement about most marriages not being sacramental and I absolutely agree.
My first debacle was joining a cult which entertained the notion that the group was the last bastion of true Catholics in the world. Three single men and 5 young women made up the future of the Church.
Slim pickings to say the least.
Decades later, the cult became more mainstream once the cult leader was ousted for drug use and alleged homosexual tendencies but not before he was ordained and consecrated a Bishop by a schismatic.
He really adhered to the "stand in your marriage" though the priests he ordained had to be reorganized by another schismatic. What a total disaster.
Granted a Decree of Nullility, different from an annulment process, I married a man in the Novus Ordo Church. And to be honest, the only preparation the priest offered was 6 words:
Each generation, each faith, and each culture seemed to be different in how they deal with marriage. My grandparents generation never heard of "attachment wounds" or the impact of "childhood traumas", and they rarely divorced. An Indian couple I knew of, who marriage was arranged, had to obey the husband's parents who they lived with and the wife had to work 20 hours a day serving others. My parents ran marriage encounters where couples simply wrote letters to each other that had dramatic results. My mom said she never saw two people so much in love as my dad's parents - a half breed Cherokee cowboy and a Scottish woman - and yet he would get into fist fights with men nearly every day. Go figure.
A couple may even be well matched until something happens - like a man who comes back from military service with PTSD. I don't know how Catholics handle such things, but for me, it requires inner healing to mend such deep wounds. And I've personally seen God do that.
I was on a prayer team and went to pray for a lady, and felt that God wanted to show her something. I told her to pray and just ask God to show her, and I left her. Later I asked her what God had showed her. She told me she had a vision of herself as a child playing in her backyard. She saw her mother come out with scissors and proceed to cut her long hair off - the thing she felt made her beautiful - and the incident that had left a deep wound in her soul. But then she saw Jesus. He walked up after her mother had left, knelt down, and lovingly picked up her hair that fallen to the ground. That simple vision showed her that He cared about her and had felt her wounding.
A person may well be anxious, controlling, or wounded from traumas. But I don't think God intends for us to remain that way. I know it isn't easy, and it certainly takes a choice on our part to get free of our past. But it can be done. The choice though isn't to fix the other person. The choice is whether we want to let go of those wounds and judgements we've held on to. This is a difficult subject, but I'll just add that our present culture doesn't make this easy with it's focus on self, our rights, and holding on to injustices. And of course, dysfunctional families breed more dysfunction.
I think your first paragraph, in particular, speaks to my point about societal and family structures that supported marriage. They made it possible where, under modern conditions, most of those marriages would likely fail.
But cognitive neuroscience is new. Just because we didn't have terms for "complex trauma" or "attachment wounds" or all the rest doesn't mean they weren't real. It means we didn't know how to describe them.
And if you probe back into people's family histories you find a ton of dysfunction: alcoholism, physical and emotional and even sexual abuse, hidden affairs, insanity, etc.
I was talking to a Catholic recently who told me that their great grandfather beat one of his own children to death. Never went to jail or anything, just kept on being who he was.
I don't buy romanticized visions of the past any more than I buy them about the present.
We need tools to make assessments that result in course corrections. We can't simply assume that because culture and taboos and brute force made things work in the past that they were actually healthy.
Well, I'm too old to get divorced and never wanted divorce anyway, so take all my wanderings with a grain of salt. It has been my observation that there are four horsemen of the marriage apopcalypse. If you or your spouse do not engage in ANY of these, chances are, your marriage will survive. They are the 4 "A's" to avoid: adultery, abandonment, abuse and addiction. Dodge those bullets at all cost. It may cost a person a lot to dodge all those bullets, such as "don't argue back," and "forgive and forget," and "there's 50 ways to leave your lover that do NOT constitute abandonment." Yes, it's true. One can get some space from one's spouse without technically leaving them--just make yourself available. If the person is busy or otherwise engaged, carry on, working, praying, checking in. And I think sometimes that separation helps. So do not give up hope. "To every thing, turn turn turn, there is a season..." one such season in marriage is sometimes giving eachother space (but making yourself available).
Now, what does one do if the spouse or oneself has engaged in one or more of those A's? Well, one can try to stop engaging in the A's and apologize, turn over a new leaf, and start again. And there may be a time to sort of "leave your lover (but being available)" to let them breathe and forgive. Hope springs eternal. Do not give up. Do not start dating. Engage in other social activities, even if you don't feel like it. Even if you have to drag yourself.
Return to God. If God gets in, stuff happens. God is pro-marriage and pro-family and cares about children. So I'd be patient, but I'd also reach out and join groups to get around people. Sometimes I just go to the gym to be around people if I feel lonely. I am often alone, Steve, I have a black-belt in solitude. I've written many techniques for being productive, things like list-making, etc., so not repeating. I am a master list-maker and I obey the list. Sometimes I procrastinate. Start with the task that irks you least, I find. If the mind is tired, use the body (scrub, etc.) If the body is tired, use the mind (make youtubes, write).
Try praying 2 hours a day. Just do it. You'll be amazed. I had a pre-prayer life, and a post-prayer life, and they're not on the same planet. I pray when I don't feel like praying. Not praying is like being "unplugged" from the spiritual electricity. It's like being an Eveready Bunny with the batteries removed. One cannot get through life without God's help. I know I can't. Two hours of prayer every day, and that doesn't mean piling up a ton of words. Put yourself in God's presence. Then: ask forgiveness, worship and adore, give thanksgiving and make petitions. That's it. And talk to Him likes He's in the room (because God is omnipresent).
Waiting for those youtubes. Your fan base will watch anything you put out video-wise, so go for it.
Been there, done that - divorce, conversion, annulment, marriage again. My son is currently in the priesthood formation program, and he had to undergo a comprehensive psych eval (and it was a lot more than some old monseigneur asking "Now, Son, are you gay?". Thankfully, he passed.) Perhaps any couple seeking marriage in the Church should be required to undergo the same. Looking back, it could have saved me lots of grief, but on the other hand, I wouldn't have my son.
Foolish Debby!
I sent my first comment without spell check or correcting sentences.
I failed to tell you that you bring to light some very good points.
Not foolish! Also, you can edit your comment if you click on the little three dots to the top right of it.
Of all the sayings of Pope Francis on airplanes, off the cuff remarks and supposed interviews which were so telling, I remember his statement about most marriages not being sacramental and I absolutely agree.
My first debacle was joining a cult which entertained the notion that the group was the last bastion of true Catholics in the world. Three single men and 5 young women made up the future of the Church.
Slim pickings to say the least.
Decades later, the cult became more mainstream once the cult leader was ousted for drug use and alleged homosexual tendencies but not before he was ordained and consecrated a Bishop by a schismatic.
He really adhered to the "stand in your marriage" though the priests he ordained had to be reorganized by another schismatic. What a total disaster.
Granted a Decree of Nullility, different from an annulment process, I married a man in the Novus Ordo Church. And to be honest, the only preparation the priest offered was 6 words:
"You know what it's all about".
Who are these people?
This is excellent. And it could be reworded to apply to other things (subjects, issues, challenges) than you intended, as well.
Each generation, each faith, and each culture seemed to be different in how they deal with marriage. My grandparents generation never heard of "attachment wounds" or the impact of "childhood traumas", and they rarely divorced. An Indian couple I knew of, who marriage was arranged, had to obey the husband's parents who they lived with and the wife had to work 20 hours a day serving others. My parents ran marriage encounters where couples simply wrote letters to each other that had dramatic results. My mom said she never saw two people so much in love as my dad's parents - a half breed Cherokee cowboy and a Scottish woman - and yet he would get into fist fights with men nearly every day. Go figure.
A couple may even be well matched until something happens - like a man who comes back from military service with PTSD. I don't know how Catholics handle such things, but for me, it requires inner healing to mend such deep wounds. And I've personally seen God do that.
I was on a prayer team and went to pray for a lady, and felt that God wanted to show her something. I told her to pray and just ask God to show her, and I left her. Later I asked her what God had showed her. She told me she had a vision of herself as a child playing in her backyard. She saw her mother come out with scissors and proceed to cut her long hair off - the thing she felt made her beautiful - and the incident that had left a deep wound in her soul. But then she saw Jesus. He walked up after her mother had left, knelt down, and lovingly picked up her hair that fallen to the ground. That simple vision showed her that He cared about her and had felt her wounding.
A person may well be anxious, controlling, or wounded from traumas. But I don't think God intends for us to remain that way. I know it isn't easy, and it certainly takes a choice on our part to get free of our past. But it can be done. The choice though isn't to fix the other person. The choice is whether we want to let go of those wounds and judgements we've held on to. This is a difficult subject, but I'll just add that our present culture doesn't make this easy with it's focus on self, our rights, and holding on to injustices. And of course, dysfunctional families breed more dysfunction.
I think your first paragraph, in particular, speaks to my point about societal and family structures that supported marriage. They made it possible where, under modern conditions, most of those marriages would likely fail.
But cognitive neuroscience is new. Just because we didn't have terms for "complex trauma" or "attachment wounds" or all the rest doesn't mean they weren't real. It means we didn't know how to describe them.
And if you probe back into people's family histories you find a ton of dysfunction: alcoholism, physical and emotional and even sexual abuse, hidden affairs, insanity, etc.
I was talking to a Catholic recently who told me that their great grandfather beat one of his own children to death. Never went to jail or anything, just kept on being who he was.
I don't buy romanticized visions of the past any more than I buy them about the present.
We need tools to make assessments that result in course corrections. We can't simply assume that because culture and taboos and brute force made things work in the past that they were actually healthy.