It’s hard to read this. I thought I tortured myself, but you are perhaps ‘upstream’ on this. What I find helpful is to find the humor, however black, so I raise a glass to your accomplishment. If I must be serious, I’ll just say- will continue to pray.
Going down to the creek (Little River) that borders the property, I watch how the stream works. On "normal" days, it is picturesque and peaceful, but there are the nooks and curves that cause the water to circle slowly and don't flow so that leaves and sticks collect. They have to wait for a heavy rain to move again.
In drought, the irrigation from tobacco farms run it low and all the rocks and stuff you never see are exposed. Good time to treasure hunt. Once or twice I've seen it so dry that one could walk down a bed of rock before reaching a lingering pool. (I think it continues to flow underground)
Heavy rains make it swell and rush, but seldom floods.
Hurricanes bring the floods which wash away familiar landmarks and bring new stuff. and then the waters recede and leave behind...
Of course, I am thinking about our lives in correlation to the stream. Thanks for prompting me to think!
Most internet advice is not really very helpful, but here goes.
I wouldn't recommend it to most people, but have you thought of trying psychedelics? Everything I have heard is that it's like a mulligan in a card game - it won't guarantee you get a better hand, but at least there's a chance it will be better (based on randomness or "fate", whatever you believe). If nothing else, it's a different hand, so if your current hand is bad, a random new hand might be better.
I suggest this because your thoughts always run in the same tracks, almost like a train running in circles. I think most advice can't really help you, because you know the objects of your thoughts (Catholicism, the sufferings of losing religion, your personal story) vastly better than anyone trying to give you advice could. You also have a strong mind that thinks in well-argued discursive patterns. This means that the arguments you present on your blog (including your narrative of your current misery) are well-built enough that there really isn't a string to pull at or an obvious gap to fill. I think even in the case of advice coming from people you know in real life, it might be difficult for them to convince you, because they would have to know you extremely well and also be at a very high level intellectually to get anywhere. For sure, no glib or insipid advice can be helpful here.
Thus, the only advice that might work is to scramble the patterns completely, with something like psychedelics.
If we had a quarter for every time we spilled our guts with our stories... of horrible sufferings.....filled with anguish, hoping someone would just take the time to listen, we wouldn't be looking for change between the seats of our car.
In my 72 years of treading water, dog paddling because I can't swim, trying to make it to the "other side", I have learned that no body listens because no body cares that long.
Attention spans are on timers.
Listening is what the vast majority of wounded souls need. You don't need another self-help book or blip on YouTube, giving advice. You don't need one more platitude about self-worth, or someone telling you "I know how you feel". No one can honestly say they know what you're going through.
No one. Because there is only one Steve who endures all that you specifically go through
Life is happening while we're waiting.... for a break, an answer, some point of direction.
Days, weeks, months....
And in the meantime, we fail to realize that our lives, while fraught with so much pain while trying to dog paddle to the other side, may actually be an inspiration to those watching from shore, enjoying their picnic lunch. Your struggles today will be theirs tomorrow ...for them...individually...and hopefully, when they endure what life hands them, they will remember your battle and not give up.
I “would like” this for you, too.
It’s hard to read this. I thought I tortured myself, but you are perhaps ‘upstream’ on this. What I find helpful is to find the humor, however black, so I raise a glass to your accomplishment. If I must be serious, I’ll just say- will continue to pray.
One day you will.
Going down to the creek (Little River) that borders the property, I watch how the stream works. On "normal" days, it is picturesque and peaceful, but there are the nooks and curves that cause the water to circle slowly and don't flow so that leaves and sticks collect. They have to wait for a heavy rain to move again.
In drought, the irrigation from tobacco farms run it low and all the rocks and stuff you never see are exposed. Good time to treasure hunt. Once or twice I've seen it so dry that one could walk down a bed of rock before reaching a lingering pool. (I think it continues to flow underground)
Heavy rains make it swell and rush, but seldom floods.
Hurricanes bring the floods which wash away familiar landmarks and bring new stuff. and then the waters recede and leave behind...
Of course, I am thinking about our lives in correlation to the stream. Thanks for prompting me to think!
Most internet advice is not really very helpful, but here goes.
I wouldn't recommend it to most people, but have you thought of trying psychedelics? Everything I have heard is that it's like a mulligan in a card game - it won't guarantee you get a better hand, but at least there's a chance it will be better (based on randomness or "fate", whatever you believe). If nothing else, it's a different hand, so if your current hand is bad, a random new hand might be better.
I suggest this because your thoughts always run in the same tracks, almost like a train running in circles. I think most advice can't really help you, because you know the objects of your thoughts (Catholicism, the sufferings of losing religion, your personal story) vastly better than anyone trying to give you advice could. You also have a strong mind that thinks in well-argued discursive patterns. This means that the arguments you present on your blog (including your narrative of your current misery) are well-built enough that there really isn't a string to pull at or an obvious gap to fill. I think even in the case of advice coming from people you know in real life, it might be difficult for them to convince you, because they would have to know you extremely well and also be at a very high level intellectually to get anywhere. For sure, no glib or insipid advice can be helpful here.
Thus, the only advice that might work is to scramble the patterns completely, with something like psychedelics.
Yes. I have. I am definitely open to this if I find the right opportunity.
And I agree with everything you said here. I exist in infinite loops.
https://roddreher.substack.com/p/what-is-really-real-how-can-we-know?utm_medium=web&triedRedirect=true
Not sure if you read him, but I thought you might be interested in this metaphysical dive.
A few observations, Steve....
If we had a quarter for every time we spilled our guts with our stories... of horrible sufferings.....filled with anguish, hoping someone would just take the time to listen, we wouldn't be looking for change between the seats of our car.
In my 72 years of treading water, dog paddling because I can't swim, trying to make it to the "other side", I have learned that no body listens because no body cares that long.
Attention spans are on timers.
Listening is what the vast majority of wounded souls need. You don't need another self-help book or blip on YouTube, giving advice. You don't need one more platitude about self-worth, or someone telling you "I know how you feel". No one can honestly say they know what you're going through.
No one. Because there is only one Steve who endures all that you specifically go through
Life is happening while we're waiting.... for a break, an answer, some point of direction.
Days, weeks, months....
And in the meantime, we fail to realize that our lives, while fraught with so much pain while trying to dog paddle to the other side, may actually be an inspiration to those watching from shore, enjoying their picnic lunch. Your struggles today will be theirs tomorrow ...for them...individually...and hopefully, when they endure what life hands them, they will remember your battle and not give up.
You haven't.
No one is exempt.
It will come. Keep going
I believe you will make it downstream Steve. Sometimes the greatest accomplishment of the day is getting out of bed. Trust.