Hello, Steve. This post resonated with me, mostly because it's so personal to me as well.
It's been almost a decade since I left my FSSP parish, and I have been working through the various stages of grief ever since. Night terrors? I have them often. It seems my subconscious remains tortured by the events which caused me to leave, the faith crisis for my family which resulted, and the people I considered friends whom I ghosted. Is it God? PTSD? I've long given up trying to sort it all out. Anymore, I try not to question too much; my faith is too fragile and my understanding of the natural world too limited to make sense of any of it.
As a twenty-something zealous revert to the Church with musical abilities, it wasn't long before I was pressed into the service of the Church, and spent the next 15+ years of my life earning a meager income as a music director for multiple parishes and chapels, including the FSSP apostolate I referenced above. For me, providing traditional music to the churches I served wasn't just a job, it became part of my core identity and mission. But about ten years into it, the dream soured and slowly became a nightmare, leaving my in a state of spiritual, emotional, and mental confusion and burnout. Few knew my struggles, because, quite frankly, questioning and dissent aren't traditionalist virtues. I really can't point to one watershed moment that brought the burnout on, but rather an ongoing dose of church drama (at both the parish and diocesan level), a growing lack of parity with traditionalist theology and culture, theological problems I never adequately dealt with prior to my reversion, and ongoing money struggles. While I do have numerous accomplishments over the years, I can't help but wonder if I was just a means to an end. Used, abused, and finally spit out. Like you, I put the Church above the needs of my children and myself, and yeah, I'm angry and bitter about that.
I spent most of my 40's trying to reinvent myself. I moved to a new state, started a new career, and, for a time and season, even explored Christianity outside the boundaries of the Catholic Church. It has, by all measures, been an abysmal failure. I live in an area where, in this post-pandemic world, I'll never be able to afford a house or likely save enough to retire before I'm 70; my marketing career carries all the marks of subtle psychological manipulation while pumping money into the coffers of big-tech monopolies who are hell-bent on destroying anything resembling traditional values (I muse that when I was creating music I at least didn't have THESE issues!); and my time trying to resurrect my faith showed me that religious dumpster fires abound, and that people are people, no matter the label on the outside of the church. Throw in multitude of personal health issues that are difficult to diagnose and even harder to treat (and pay for treatment), dealing with end of life issues with parents, and just contemplating the tragedy of life, and some days, Steve, it just is too much to bear.
I've gone the therapy route, only to have the therapist tell me "I think you are wasting your life." She might well be right, but does little to answer how exactly to stop wasting it or stop making decisions that I will regret yet again in years to come.
One thing remains: if we keep doing the same thing we did yesterday, nothing will change.
I hope you continue to share more posts like this. Thank you for the ability to respond.
I am two years older than you, Steve. I left the trad movement when I was 39, though I left it in my heart probably five years earlier. I would have left sooner, but it was very difficult devising and executing a plan to leave due to church being my main source of income.
Damn Thomas, you've been through a lot. I don't know you from Adam, but I think we might be somewhat in the same age group, you mentioned loss of parents, loss of work, and loss of faith. All of this hit me as I read it, very familiar trials. Anyway, I don't know what the solution is, I just wanted to reach out and say what's up, you're not alone in that boat. All the best to you and your family. 6.7.24
Thank you, Anthony. There's so much more I could have said, but for the sake of trying to keep things somewhat brief, I left it there.
I think maybe what eats me most (and maybe this is true for Steve as well) is that when I was a music director I had a sense of divine purpose, something of lasting importance. The secular employment I am currently engaged is just so meaningless - there's no comparison. Every so often I engage in the type of gig work Steve has been trying the past few months, and while that's more rewarding on the personal level, there's no way I could do that I earn a living wage. And while I've given serious thought to going back to music ministry, well, no, I just can't.
Yes, the sense of mission and purpose is just gone. Everything feels arbitrary, and thus, pointless.
I can't recall if I put it in the post, but I keep finding myself mumbling, "Money is the only god." I wouldn't be doing any of this stuff if that weren't the only compulsory form of worship.
This whole experience has really made me rethink capitalism, or at least the largely unbridled capitalism that girds our whole economic system here in the states, which is exploitative at it's core. Exploitative of workers, consumers and the environment; with the main goal of making a few select individuals wealthy.
This week I feel like I saw the illusion of control explode in my face with the comments I made on another post of yours. I saw myself; it wasn’t pretty.
Interestingly enough, I admitted to my 16 year old that I goofed and so money is tight until payday, and instead of being pestered about it, she saw it wasn’t HER fault(read about rejection sensitive dysphoria; it’s huge in the House of Autism). She let it go. She must have felt relieved that someone else is making mistakes. 🤯😓
Your relationship (or non relationship)
with God is something that I have no control over in the slightest.
In the 12 step sense of things, I will try to remember to not give advice, and instead lean into sharing experience, strength, and hope.
I had dreams about tornadoes and about falling when I was younger. I have CPTSD from many things. My dad died when I was 8; I *think* that was when the dreams started?
Trauma processing- I may write my first official post on that; if I can figure it out in my copious amounts of spare time.
I appreciate "your" being here, not "you" being here. I think "being here" is called a gerund (really reaching back to 10th grade English here, Steve, and a gerund is a treated as a noun.) Not that I write well! I wouldn't write this stuff except for the fact that you're a writer.
I think your dream may be about the vax, which did harm a lot of people. And it may be coming around again. Don't take it.
I had good parents, not perfect, so I don't know what having a bad father feels like. But all I can do is tell you what I'd do if I had a bad father--I'd imagine a good one and let him go back and love the child I was. That is why all those old TV shows ("Father Knows Best" and "The Donna Reed Show" and "Leave It to Beaver") helped everyone. For one, it showed idealized parenthood--for those trying to figure out how to be a good parent--and as a substitute if one had bad parents. So, you can use literature to help you.
Like what? I'm thinking of "Pride and Prejudice" here, because I'm familiar with it. Now that novel shows familial love, despite foibles (also see "Little Women"). The love between the two eldest sisters is enviable. But then, in real life, there's the common experience of the mean older sister who cuts one off (I've got one). (She wasn't ALWAYS mean, but now she is, and to all the sibs.) Anyway, what I am getting at is you're going to have to force the awful stuff off the page of your consciousness and substitute loving portrayals. It's called "vicarious living." It's what we have--intellect, imagination, will.
So, to find a loving God, you've got to encounter one in art, in novels, in movies, in paintings, sculpture. And then drive these images of an angry ("I'm extracting a pound of flesh out of you"), vengeful God out of your mind.
You are allowed to come back and be a Christian apologist. We'll take you back. But first, we have a lot of stuff coming at the world and the nation, and everyone is scrambling financially (a lot of people). My college-educated daughter is stuck with a $16-an-hour customer service support job using Sales Force. No benefits practically. Really bad. That's what's out there. So, why not try to get a CDL? Truckers are the last to be let go--get local trucking. This will save your car. And then start pivoting back toward Christian apologetics. It's okay to return. God will take you back.
Ah, try watching "Jesus of Nazareth" by Zeferelli. I think that's the closest to being an accurate portrayal of Christ's personality. I find Him a very lovable, compelling person in that movie. God punishes the wicked. But the punishments (during this life) are like chops to the solar plexis to try to wake them up. I find that God in His mercy seems to have people bounce on a few canopies on their way down--He doesn't let them (the wicked, say mafiosi) fall straight into Hell.
Good luck, Steve. I found your dream interesting. I think God was reaching out to you. I've been praying for you and your family (really, all those who have come to doubt the faith) without ceasing. (I (and many other Christians) have MANY prayer causes, being a Third Order Carmelite. Just start praying, just make the "leap of faith". Knock, and the door will open. You cannot demand "phenomena" and "consolations", however; that's a spirituality no-no. Carmelite training, 1.01.)
Prepare for trouble, the West is doing crazy things right now. And things seem to be speeding up.
I will try to be shorter going forward. How's this? Your dream was interesting, even though scary. I do think God was reaching out to you in the dream. That's the good news.
Second idea (may take too much time, time you don't have): try teaching English as a second language, especially if you are fluent in a second language.
Steve we love your work and you and that’s why we are still here!
Hello, Steve. This post resonated with me, mostly because it's so personal to me as well.
It's been almost a decade since I left my FSSP parish, and I have been working through the various stages of grief ever since. Night terrors? I have them often. It seems my subconscious remains tortured by the events which caused me to leave, the faith crisis for my family which resulted, and the people I considered friends whom I ghosted. Is it God? PTSD? I've long given up trying to sort it all out. Anymore, I try not to question too much; my faith is too fragile and my understanding of the natural world too limited to make sense of any of it.
As a twenty-something zealous revert to the Church with musical abilities, it wasn't long before I was pressed into the service of the Church, and spent the next 15+ years of my life earning a meager income as a music director for multiple parishes and chapels, including the FSSP apostolate I referenced above. For me, providing traditional music to the churches I served wasn't just a job, it became part of my core identity and mission. But about ten years into it, the dream soured and slowly became a nightmare, leaving my in a state of spiritual, emotional, and mental confusion and burnout. Few knew my struggles, because, quite frankly, questioning and dissent aren't traditionalist virtues. I really can't point to one watershed moment that brought the burnout on, but rather an ongoing dose of church drama (at both the parish and diocesan level), a growing lack of parity with traditionalist theology and culture, theological problems I never adequately dealt with prior to my reversion, and ongoing money struggles. While I do have numerous accomplishments over the years, I can't help but wonder if I was just a means to an end. Used, abused, and finally spit out. Like you, I put the Church above the needs of my children and myself, and yeah, I'm angry and bitter about that.
I spent most of my 40's trying to reinvent myself. I moved to a new state, started a new career, and, for a time and season, even explored Christianity outside the boundaries of the Catholic Church. It has, by all measures, been an abysmal failure. I live in an area where, in this post-pandemic world, I'll never be able to afford a house or likely save enough to retire before I'm 70; my marketing career carries all the marks of subtle psychological manipulation while pumping money into the coffers of big-tech monopolies who are hell-bent on destroying anything resembling traditional values (I muse that when I was creating music I at least didn't have THESE issues!); and my time trying to resurrect my faith showed me that religious dumpster fires abound, and that people are people, no matter the label on the outside of the church. Throw in multitude of personal health issues that are difficult to diagnose and even harder to treat (and pay for treatment), dealing with end of life issues with parents, and just contemplating the tragedy of life, and some days, Steve, it just is too much to bear.
I've gone the therapy route, only to have the therapist tell me "I think you are wasting your life." She might well be right, but does little to answer how exactly to stop wasting it or stop making decisions that I will regret yet again in years to come.
One thing remains: if we keep doing the same thing we did yesterday, nothing will change.
I hope you continue to share more posts like this. Thank you for the ability to respond.
God, Thomas, this is gut wrenching, and it feels so much like everything I'm going through.
May I ask how old you are and how long you've been going through this?
I am two years older than you, Steve. I left the trad movement when I was 39, though I left it in my heart probably five years earlier. I would have left sooner, but it was very difficult devising and executing a plan to leave due to church being my main source of income.
Damn Thomas, you've been through a lot. I don't know you from Adam, but I think we might be somewhat in the same age group, you mentioned loss of parents, loss of work, and loss of faith. All of this hit me as I read it, very familiar trials. Anyway, I don't know what the solution is, I just wanted to reach out and say what's up, you're not alone in that boat. All the best to you and your family. 6.7.24
Thank you, Anthony. There's so much more I could have said, but for the sake of trying to keep things somewhat brief, I left it there.
I think maybe what eats me most (and maybe this is true for Steve as well) is that when I was a music director I had a sense of divine purpose, something of lasting importance. The secular employment I am currently engaged is just so meaningless - there's no comparison. Every so often I engage in the type of gig work Steve has been trying the past few months, and while that's more rewarding on the personal level, there's no way I could do that I earn a living wage. And while I've given serious thought to going back to music ministry, well, no, I just can't.
Yes, the sense of mission and purpose is just gone. Everything feels arbitrary, and thus, pointless.
I can't recall if I put it in the post, but I keep finding myself mumbling, "Money is the only god." I wouldn't be doing any of this stuff if that weren't the only compulsory form of worship.
This whole experience has really made me rethink capitalism, or at least the largely unbridled capitalism that girds our whole economic system here in the states, which is exploitative at it's core. Exploitative of workers, consumers and the environment; with the main goal of making a few select individuals wealthy.
This week I feel like I saw the illusion of control explode in my face with the comments I made on another post of yours. I saw myself; it wasn’t pretty.
Interestingly enough, I admitted to my 16 year old that I goofed and so money is tight until payday, and instead of being pestered about it, she saw it wasn’t HER fault(read about rejection sensitive dysphoria; it’s huge in the House of Autism). She let it go. She must have felt relieved that someone else is making mistakes. 🤯😓
Your relationship (or non relationship)
with God is something that I have no control over in the slightest.
In the 12 step sense of things, I will try to remember to not give advice, and instead lean into sharing experience, strength, and hope.
.
I had dreams about tornadoes and about falling when I was younger. I have CPTSD from many things. My dad died when I was 8; I *think* that was when the dreams started?
Trauma processing- I may write my first official post on that; if I can figure it out in my copious amounts of spare time.
😂
I appreciate "your" being here, not "you" being here. I think "being here" is called a gerund (really reaching back to 10th grade English here, Steve, and a gerund is a treated as a noun.) Not that I write well! I wouldn't write this stuff except for the fact that you're a writer.
I think your dream may be about the vax, which did harm a lot of people. And it may be coming around again. Don't take it.
I had good parents, not perfect, so I don't know what having a bad father feels like. But all I can do is tell you what I'd do if I had a bad father--I'd imagine a good one and let him go back and love the child I was. That is why all those old TV shows ("Father Knows Best" and "The Donna Reed Show" and "Leave It to Beaver") helped everyone. For one, it showed idealized parenthood--for those trying to figure out how to be a good parent--and as a substitute if one had bad parents. So, you can use literature to help you.
Like what? I'm thinking of "Pride and Prejudice" here, because I'm familiar with it. Now that novel shows familial love, despite foibles (also see "Little Women"). The love between the two eldest sisters is enviable. But then, in real life, there's the common experience of the mean older sister who cuts one off (I've got one). (She wasn't ALWAYS mean, but now she is, and to all the sibs.) Anyway, what I am getting at is you're going to have to force the awful stuff off the page of your consciousness and substitute loving portrayals. It's called "vicarious living." It's what we have--intellect, imagination, will.
So, to find a loving God, you've got to encounter one in art, in novels, in movies, in paintings, sculpture. And then drive these images of an angry ("I'm extracting a pound of flesh out of you"), vengeful God out of your mind.
You are allowed to come back and be a Christian apologist. We'll take you back. But first, we have a lot of stuff coming at the world and the nation, and everyone is scrambling financially (a lot of people). My college-educated daughter is stuck with a $16-an-hour customer service support job using Sales Force. No benefits practically. Really bad. That's what's out there. So, why not try to get a CDL? Truckers are the last to be let go--get local trucking. This will save your car. And then start pivoting back toward Christian apologetics. It's okay to return. God will take you back.
Ah, try watching "Jesus of Nazareth" by Zeferelli. I think that's the closest to being an accurate portrayal of Christ's personality. I find Him a very lovable, compelling person in that movie. God punishes the wicked. But the punishments (during this life) are like chops to the solar plexis to try to wake them up. I find that God in His mercy seems to have people bounce on a few canopies on their way down--He doesn't let them (the wicked, say mafiosi) fall straight into Hell.
Good luck, Steve. I found your dream interesting. I think God was reaching out to you. I've been praying for you and your family (really, all those who have come to doubt the faith) without ceasing. (I (and many other Christians) have MANY prayer causes, being a Third Order Carmelite. Just start praying, just make the "leap of faith". Knock, and the door will open. You cannot demand "phenomena" and "consolations", however; that's a spirituality no-no. Carmelite training, 1.01.)
Prepare for trouble, the West is doing crazy things right now. And things seem to be speeding up.
It really is ok not to leave a novella on every post.
I will try to be shorter going forward. How's this? Your dream was interesting, even though scary. I do think God was reaching out to you in the dream. That's the good news.
Second idea (may take too much time, time you don't have): try teaching English as a second language, especially if you are fluent in a second language.