... and so the healing begins (continues?) 👍You might have strengthened my weak motivation to fix a mechanical problem around the house without surrendering to calling a pro for hundreds of dollars
Well, I'm very impressed with your patience. My oldest daughter ends up doing things like assembly (she also built her own computer like you, and is a tech nerd).
It is amazing how being around someone who is rejecting you (even when they don't mean to, and certainly don't intend to harm you) can really wear away at your sense of self.
It's also amazing how being on your own for a bit can help you rediscover how many things you are capable of that you didn't think you could do. I wrote a fugue on a hymn tune the other day. First since college, and much nicer-sounding. Proud of myself.
A victory for all those who were made to feel incompetent, "less than", incapable throughout their formative years into adulthood.
It's actually the "bully in the school yard" syndome....people throughout our lives are intuitive enough to know what to do and say to keep the sensitive soul exactly where they want them.
Fast forward to the day of the cart. The true and competent Steve was there the whole time. With no instructions.
New reader here. Genuinely look forward to your posts. I see something of my husband in you… and it’s making me question how I do some things. I’m rooting for you ☺️
I started to reply with assumed commonalities, then changed my mind. I don’t want to project me onto him. But if he struggles with this stuff, there’s a high likelihood he came out of an environment where love felt conditional, and he came to believe performative goodness/obedience/whatever was the way to get people to love him and make him feel safe.
Many of us chase the shape of the same wounds into our marriages. We find people who remind us of the dynamic in our homes growing up in some way - even if we didn’t like that. Respect and encouragement are huge. Criticism and judgment and frequent contradiction are corrosive.
If you take someone who is already terrified of making mistakes because of childhood and put them in a relationship where the way they think and do everything is constantly being evaluated for errors or flaws, it’s a bad combo. They will very likely stay stuck.
Holy smokes. That is the environment he grew up in. He is very intelligent, athletic, a great provider… but just struggles to love himself (I know it sounds corny but it’s true). And I can be judgmental and critical… we’ve been married 17 years.
I’m taking your words to heart. Thanks for the free therapy ☺️
New subscriber here. Your section on learned helplessness truly resonated with me: being middle-aged and discovering one is on the spectrum is challenging indeed. I’m hoping I can eventually learn how to get out of my own way; it sure won’t be easy.
I really never suspected. I joked about it, because I had all these sensory overwhelm issues. But I didn't take it seriously. I took the test because my wife and daughter kept saying it. And then I was like, "Oh. Damn."
Oh it's so true. The fear of failure or making mistakes in front of others can be so crippling. But in order to have a better life with broader horizons, we have to find a way to overcome this irrational mode of thinking/feeling.
Steve, have you considered computer repair as a profession? Perhaps a profession in which you work with your hands might help relieve some of the mental stress you experiencing.
I’ve thought about it, but it’s something I’d have to learn all over again. I don’t have any certifications. We’ve also had a renaissance of PC gaming with the advent of streamers, and PCs are getting way more complex with these custom liquid cooled systems and light kits and so on. And crypto and AI keep pilfering from the consumer market for parts, making memory and GPU astronomically expensive.
So is it possible? Yeah, but only if I was able to work for a shop that was doing enough business to pay a decent wage and was willing to deal with the Experience gap. The thing about computer repair is that you have to have a lot of inventory on hand in order to be able to swap out parts as part of the troubleshooting diagnostic process. It’s not the kind of thing I could do as a solopreneur out of my apartment.
If someone showed up and offered me a job doing it, I would seriously consider it. I just don’t know that it’s the right avenue to pursue right now, all things considered.
I don’t see a lot of computer repair places these days either. I feel like they’re going away.
My current plan is to keep building this Substack as a mainstay. I've got a book project or two in mind that I would like to get started on soon. I'm starting a new podcast with @kalezelden in early 2026 (fingers crossed) that I hope to monetize fairly quickly with ads, etc. And then, once the car is running properly again, I'll probably round out daytime creative work with nighttime deliveries so I can listen to books/podcasts/etc. while making some quick cash.
Once I stabilize income enough that I've got more coming in than going out, I'll re-evaluate. Starting over in a new place is just expensive as hell, even a small one like this. I didn't really own any cookware or dishes or blankets or a bed or anything of my own. I had to buy a new desk that was smaller to fit the space. And I had to buy all new groceries, spices, kitchen appliances, etc. The amount of material property that is actually uniquely mine after over two decades of marriage could all fit in the back of a van.
But I'll get through it. I'll get to bigger and better things soon.
I too have always considered myself an oaf in terms of spatial relations/assembly/anything mechanical. Funny thing is, my father was quite competent at all of it and his father, my grandfather, was incredibly ingenious. I remember his “workshop,” a magical place.
I was not a willing student and do deserve the knowledge that I’m not competent at these, or the other skills my very accomplished mother could have taught me. I learned the bits I know by experimentation and later in life. So, this is a different “take” from yours.
Cheers to you on this victory. Yes, it matters when we are amazed with ourselves for doing something well. Enjoy it and remember it when the next challenge comes.
Update on poor Evie. Her radiator fans aren't turning on at all. They were straining so much they damaged the relay system and literally melted a fuse.
But the whole front end has to be taken apart to replace all that so...$1400. The majority cost is labor.
It never rains. It pours. LOL. At least I'll have a functional vehicle again by this weekend.
Sorry about your car costing you so much, but will your repair fix the underlying problem that burned out the fan in the first place? I hope so!
But I must say, you sound SO different in this post. Way more confident. And from what? Putting together a rolling kitchen cart? Go figure.
Of course, I'm pretty confident Who caused the instructions to be missing in that box. Seems you have Somebody helping you out.
And that was really good about your mantra being used less often. How about replacing it with a new one. Something like, "Go slow. You'll make it. The Big Guy is watching out for me now."
And a new podcast too?! Wow, you're starting to rock! Keep writing - if only stream of consciousness stuff to yourself. And then turn it into a book. Other people need the help your finding.
And thank God every day that He's there for you.
And love on your children like there's no tomorrow.
I think the problem WAS the fans. They said they were worn, and the motor strain was pulling too much voltage, which is what was damaging the relay and melting the fuses.
But I am very hopeful this will mean I have a reliable car from here on out.
And yes, I am growing more confident. Not just from the cart. I think I have finally gone through the worst of the grieving, the attachment wound is being healed a bit around the edges, and I've spent the past few months being reliant on myself to make decisions without worrying about criticism or judgment. As I said in the post, stacking even small wins builds confidence. I have proven to myself that I'm capable of managing my own life in ways I didn't think I could before. I was always the abstract thinker, she the pragmatist who made sure the trains ran on time, so to speak. Now I'm doing both, and I'm doing pretty OK.
Granted, my life has become very small and simple, but that's the scale I'm most well-suited for when it comes to the every day logistics of things. I have very limited bandwidth for the imminent and the practical, but it's enough for just me, at least. Who knows how much that will grow over time?
So yes, more good things coming this year, I hope. My brain is starting to exit pure survival mode and I'm watching it light back up on interest and meaning again all on its own. It's nice to see.
As for God and I...well, we're still on weird terms. I'll be writing more about that soon.
And yes. I will always love my kids. One thing I've noticed that's interesting is that because I only see them once or twice a week, I'm way more intentional about it than I was when I was with them every day. There's a lot less organic opportunity for hugs or love of conversation, but I try to give them my full attention whenever I see them instead of just taking for granted we're all there together and letting that slide.
All in all, I'm in as good of a place as can be expected, I think, given the circumstances.
I'm beginning to think of it as the best terrible thing that's ever happened to me. It's still absolutely terrible, but I have found the path to draw good from it, and it was good that I needed to grow into the man I want to be. I don't think this was necessarily the only way to get there, but it worked, and I don't have any choice in the matter, so it is what it is.
Good to hear about your car. But I have to say, the difference in your tone is striking. You sound like a man on a mission - even if you haven't figured out what that mission is quite yet. And while you and God may be on "weird" terms, I have no doubt that His guidance in your life will bear much fruit in time.
May this coming year take you places you never expected to go, and may your writing help many.
"And in that respect, sometimes little wins are actually big wins."
Indeed!
... and so the healing begins (continues?) 👍You might have strengthened my weak motivation to fix a mechanical problem around the house without surrendering to calling a pro for hundreds of dollars
This is excellent and helpful. I am happy for your win, and also taking this to heart in my own struggle to not be afraid.
By the way, I took your advice and got a rug.
I love it.
It feels great. It warms the room. It’s so much better than walking on cold laminate.
I’m still waiting on my little loveseat and storage ottoman but no regrets.
You were right.
Well, I'm very impressed with your patience. My oldest daughter ends up doing things like assembly (she also built her own computer like you, and is a tech nerd).
It is amazing how being around someone who is rejecting you (even when they don't mean to, and certainly don't intend to harm you) can really wear away at your sense of self.
It's also amazing how being on your own for a bit can help you rediscover how many things you are capable of that you didn't think you could do. I wrote a fugue on a hymn tune the other day. First since college, and much nicer-sounding. Proud of myself.
Little wins. Huge confidence builders.
A victory for all those who were made to feel incompetent, "less than", incapable throughout their formative years into adulthood.
It's actually the "bully in the school yard" syndome....people throughout our lives are intuitive enough to know what to do and say to keep the sensitive soul exactly where they want them.
Fast forward to the day of the cart. The true and competent Steve was there the whole time. With no instructions.
A life lesson for us all.
New reader here. Genuinely look forward to your posts. I see something of my husband in you… and it’s making me question how I do some things. I’m rooting for you ☺️
I started to reply with assumed commonalities, then changed my mind. I don’t want to project me onto him. But if he struggles with this stuff, there’s a high likelihood he came out of an environment where love felt conditional, and he came to believe performative goodness/obedience/whatever was the way to get people to love him and make him feel safe.
Many of us chase the shape of the same wounds into our marriages. We find people who remind us of the dynamic in our homes growing up in some way - even if we didn’t like that. Respect and encouragement are huge. Criticism and judgment and frequent contradiction are corrosive.
If you take someone who is already terrified of making mistakes because of childhood and put them in a relationship where the way they think and do everything is constantly being evaluated for errors or flaws, it’s a bad combo. They will very likely stay stuck.
Holy smokes. That is the environment he grew up in. He is very intelligent, athletic, a great provider… but just struggles to love himself (I know it sounds corny but it’s true). And I can be judgmental and critical… we’ve been married 17 years.
I’m taking your words to heart. Thanks for the free therapy ☺️
New subscriber here. Your section on learned helplessness truly resonated with me: being middle-aged and discovering one is on the spectrum is challenging indeed. I’m hoping I can eventually learn how to get out of my own way; it sure won’t be easy.
I really never suspected. I joked about it, because I had all these sensory overwhelm issues. But I didn't take it seriously. I took the test because my wife and daughter kept saying it. And then I was like, "Oh. Damn."
Oh it's so true. The fear of failure or making mistakes in front of others can be so crippling. But in order to have a better life with broader horizons, we have to find a way to overcome this irrational mode of thinking/feeling.
Steve, have you considered computer repair as a profession? Perhaps a profession in which you work with your hands might help relieve some of the mental stress you experiencing.
I’ve thought about it, but it’s something I’d have to learn all over again. I don’t have any certifications. We’ve also had a renaissance of PC gaming with the advent of streamers, and PCs are getting way more complex with these custom liquid cooled systems and light kits and so on. And crypto and AI keep pilfering from the consumer market for parts, making memory and GPU astronomically expensive.
So is it possible? Yeah, but only if I was able to work for a shop that was doing enough business to pay a decent wage and was willing to deal with the Experience gap. The thing about computer repair is that you have to have a lot of inventory on hand in order to be able to swap out parts as part of the troubleshooting diagnostic process. It’s not the kind of thing I could do as a solopreneur out of my apartment.
If someone showed up and offered me a job doing it, I would seriously consider it. I just don’t know that it’s the right avenue to pursue right now, all things considered.
I don’t see a lot of computer repair places these days either. I feel like they’re going away.
My current plan is to keep building this Substack as a mainstay. I've got a book project or two in mind that I would like to get started on soon. I'm starting a new podcast with @kalezelden in early 2026 (fingers crossed) that I hope to monetize fairly quickly with ads, etc. And then, once the car is running properly again, I'll probably round out daytime creative work with nighttime deliveries so I can listen to books/podcasts/etc. while making some quick cash.
Once I stabilize income enough that I've got more coming in than going out, I'll re-evaluate. Starting over in a new place is just expensive as hell, even a small one like this. I didn't really own any cookware or dishes or blankets or a bed or anything of my own. I had to buy a new desk that was smaller to fit the space. And I had to buy all new groceries, spices, kitchen appliances, etc. The amount of material property that is actually uniquely mine after over two decades of marriage could all fit in the back of a van.
But I'll get through it. I'll get to bigger and better things soon.
I too have always considered myself an oaf in terms of spatial relations/assembly/anything mechanical. Funny thing is, my father was quite competent at all of it and his father, my grandfather, was incredibly ingenious. I remember his “workshop,” a magical place.
I was not a willing student and do deserve the knowledge that I’m not competent at these, or the other skills my very accomplished mother could have taught me. I learned the bits I know by experimentation and later in life. So, this is a different “take” from yours.
Cheers to you on this victory. Yes, it matters when we are amazed with ourselves for doing something well. Enjoy it and remember it when the next challenge comes.
Know that you are in my prayers constantly.
Thank you.
Of course. If we don’t support each other, what good are we?
Yeah, first thing I did was buy several beanbag chairs...
Update on poor Evie. Her radiator fans aren't turning on at all. They were straining so much they damaged the relay system and literally melted a fuse.
But the whole front end has to be taken apart to replace all that so...$1400. The majority cost is labor.
It never rains. It pours. LOL. At least I'll have a functional vehicle again by this weekend.
Sorry about your car costing you so much, but will your repair fix the underlying problem that burned out the fan in the first place? I hope so!
But I must say, you sound SO different in this post. Way more confident. And from what? Putting together a rolling kitchen cart? Go figure.
Of course, I'm pretty confident Who caused the instructions to be missing in that box. Seems you have Somebody helping you out.
And that was really good about your mantra being used less often. How about replacing it with a new one. Something like, "Go slow. You'll make it. The Big Guy is watching out for me now."
And a new podcast too?! Wow, you're starting to rock! Keep writing - if only stream of consciousness stuff to yourself. And then turn it into a book. Other people need the help your finding.
And thank God every day that He's there for you.
And love on your children like there's no tomorrow.
I think the problem WAS the fans. They said they were worn, and the motor strain was pulling too much voltage, which is what was damaging the relay and melting the fuses.
But I am very hopeful this will mean I have a reliable car from here on out.
And yes, I am growing more confident. Not just from the cart. I think I have finally gone through the worst of the grieving, the attachment wound is being healed a bit around the edges, and I've spent the past few months being reliant on myself to make decisions without worrying about criticism or judgment. As I said in the post, stacking even small wins builds confidence. I have proven to myself that I'm capable of managing my own life in ways I didn't think I could before. I was always the abstract thinker, she the pragmatist who made sure the trains ran on time, so to speak. Now I'm doing both, and I'm doing pretty OK.
Granted, my life has become very small and simple, but that's the scale I'm most well-suited for when it comes to the every day logistics of things. I have very limited bandwidth for the imminent and the practical, but it's enough for just me, at least. Who knows how much that will grow over time?
So yes, more good things coming this year, I hope. My brain is starting to exit pure survival mode and I'm watching it light back up on interest and meaning again all on its own. It's nice to see.
As for God and I...well, we're still on weird terms. I'll be writing more about that soon.
And yes. I will always love my kids. One thing I've noticed that's interesting is that because I only see them once or twice a week, I'm way more intentional about it than I was when I was with them every day. There's a lot less organic opportunity for hugs or love of conversation, but I try to give them my full attention whenever I see them instead of just taking for granted we're all there together and letting that slide.
All in all, I'm in as good of a place as can be expected, I think, given the circumstances.
I'm beginning to think of it as the best terrible thing that's ever happened to me. It's still absolutely terrible, but I have found the path to draw good from it, and it was good that I needed to grow into the man I want to be. I don't think this was necessarily the only way to get there, but it worked, and I don't have any choice in the matter, so it is what it is.
Good to hear about your car. But I have to say, the difference in your tone is striking. You sound like a man on a mission - even if you haven't figured out what that mission is quite yet. And while you and God may be on "weird" terms, I have no doubt that His guidance in your life will bear much fruit in time.
May this coming year take you places you never expected to go, and may your writing help many.