Having read your post a couple of times, I just want to say....there isn't a person alive today that wouldn't see a part of themselves in your words if they were honest.
In all the years I've followed you, and all of your posts I've read, this stands out as a testament to all that is the human condition.
"To thine own self be true".
The courage it takes to do that is not found in the vast majority of people who, even within family circles, put on a show to impress.
I'm very sorry to hear that, Steve. These things usually do not reverse themselves. It is now a new reality. Aside from the practicalities, it will take some time to get used to the new reality. In Solzhenitsyn's Gulag Archipelago, he talks about when the inevitable finally happens. The knock on the door comes in the middle of the night, from that point on there's no going back, things will never be the same, and it's the beginning of a new reality. I'll try to find that passage; not that it will necessarily cheer you up. Been there, done that.
Gut wrenching. Beyond just saying “hang in there dude” like I normally reply, the best thing I can leave you with is the inscription by Clarence at the end of Its a Wonderful Life, “Remember, no man is a failure who has friends.”
I ... was in a similar circumstance in 2003 (appears to be when you married) with my first marriage and what I can tell you is this: right now is the time to be focused on very basic stuff, not the big questions of the whys and the meaning, and your issues and so on. Focus on survival, getting the basic stuff to a place where it gets you, personally, just you, some basic level of stasis so that you can then work on some of the other stuff.
This kind of time is exceptionally disorienting for everyone who has the misfortune to go through it (which is unfortunately many of us), it's one of the most difficult things someone can go through in their personal life outside of health issues. The most important thing is getting that stasis/stability so that you can weather this roughest period as best you can. It does get better, even though it will never be the same, and even though you will struggle to see that from where you are right now.
I heard of your situation from Rod Dreher, (was unaware of you previously) and immediately subscribed to support you. Why? In an analogous situation, my husband's 9-year illness impoverished us before his death. But for the grace of God and individuals who contributed, I should have been on the street. Don't lose heart. God has richly rewarded me -- above all I could have imagined. Keep the faith. If you want to hear my story, I can share it, but here's the core: God will give you what you need.
Oh man, I'm so sorry, Steve. I've been through one divorce and have been going through extreme difficulties in my current 17 year marriage (3 kids). So I know it is a pain unlike any other. I don't have many words of comfort, but know you will be win my prayers daily.
"Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to condole with him and comfort him. 12 And when they saw him from afar, they did not recognize him; and they raised their voices and wept; and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven. 13 And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great."
Wish I could just sit with you.
The Holy Bible, Revised Standard Version; Second Catholic Edition (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 2006), Job 2:11–13
Was gonna ask the same what Dave asked about donating...ok thanks for providing that link.
I don't know what to say either. You are honest in your writing, so much so that I do know that the honesty is good and good is of God and that's the thread you must follow. Praying for you and your dear family.
Words fail me here. I feel awful about all this for you and your family. I don't know where you are going or how much distance you will be traveling, but for some reason I hope you make it up to Michigan to see Fr. Joe in person. I have a feeling his friendly company would do some good for a weary soul like you. And in the unlikely event you make it out to the San Joaquin Valley you have a friendly ear to talk to with me. Always wishing you the best, - Tony 9.18.25
I'm truly sorry for what is happening, Steve, even if I'm not really surprised. So sorry that you'll have to deal with this too.
You are very talented, sensitive, and smart, Steve. It will take time and a lot of pain but there is life and there is hope!
Whatever happens and however much it hurts, above all never forget that your family loves you deeply, every single one of them, more than you know or even THEY know. It may (or not) seem normal right now, but never, ever lose sight of that later - ever.
These experiences are terribly scary, distressing and humbling, but maybe that's the medicine we most need.
And then, incredible things can start to happen - relationships grow deeper and stronger, more authentic and beautiful, little things become amazingly more meaningful...
If you take it all in, accept your vulnerability and surrender, that is.
From what I read, you're on the right path. So hang in there, Steve... you'll be ok. You will!
😌
🙏
I won't tell you "God bless you and your loved ones", but I'm thinking it very hard.
I'm so heartbroken for you and your family. I offer my prayers. It's all I can do in the face of tragedy. But I offer them with all the faith I can muster.
Your eloquence is rare and it gives voice to many others who suffer as you do. Where are you in NC? I have friends there who might appreciate your work.
I am so very very sorry. But keep in mind this is not the end of everything. You can still have a relationship with your kids into the future and be friends or cordial with your ex. You will get to the other side of this. But others are right. Focus on you for now. Focus on the basics. Focus on your next move. When I can help I will. Take care of you now. Breathe.
Steve, one thing I’ve noticed about this post in particular and in many of your posts is the sense of shame and self-condemnation that permeate them. As a former Catholic myself, I suffer from both of those maladies and have for practically my entire life. I’m sure you’re aware from your Catholic upbringing of a concept called “scrupulosity.” the shame in the self-condemnation might be powerful remnants. It might be something you’d want to investigate.
Steve, been a sometimes reader for years, and just bought an annual subscription. I’m so sorry. I went through a divorce in my mid 20s. That was almost 20 years ago. There were no kids, and we really didn’t own anything, so it was far less traumatic than what you are going through, and it still almost broke me. Take it one day at a time, man. The only thing I can offer is that it was from the ashes of that experience that God revealed Grace that ultimately allowed me to get out of my head and find a real faith for the first time in my life; but it hurt like hell, and the wounds still ache sometimes. Just hang in there; however black things might look right now, you can’t possibly know what good can come out of what seems like utter carnage right now. I know you’ve been struggling with your faith for years, and you don’t know me and I don’t know you (I know Rod Dreher slightly, we’re in some of the same Orthodox circles) but I encourage you to keep writing your heart out and also to read the Psalms, and especially Psalm 38 (I still cry reading David’s lament; it reads like everything I was feeling at that time, but could not express).
Steve,
Having read your post a couple of times, I just want to say....there isn't a person alive today that wouldn't see a part of themselves in your words if they were honest.
In all the years I've followed you, and all of your posts I've read, this stands out as a testament to all that is the human condition.
"To thine own self be true".
The courage it takes to do that is not found in the vast majority of people who, even within family circles, put on a show to impress.
You haven't lost anything, Steve.
Healing is on the way.
I'm very sorry to hear that, Steve. These things usually do not reverse themselves. It is now a new reality. Aside from the practicalities, it will take some time to get used to the new reality. In Solzhenitsyn's Gulag Archipelago, he talks about when the inevitable finally happens. The knock on the door comes in the middle of the night, from that point on there's no going back, things will never be the same, and it's the beginning of a new reality. I'll try to find that passage; not that it will necessarily cheer you up. Been there, done that.
Gut wrenching. Beyond just saying “hang in there dude” like I normally reply, the best thing I can leave you with is the inscription by Clarence at the end of Its a Wonderful Life, “Remember, no man is a failure who has friends.”
I'm so sorry to hear that.
I ... was in a similar circumstance in 2003 (appears to be when you married) with my first marriage and what I can tell you is this: right now is the time to be focused on very basic stuff, not the big questions of the whys and the meaning, and your issues and so on. Focus on survival, getting the basic stuff to a place where it gets you, personally, just you, some basic level of stasis so that you can then work on some of the other stuff.
This kind of time is exceptionally disorienting for everyone who has the misfortune to go through it (which is unfortunately many of us), it's one of the most difficult things someone can go through in their personal life outside of health issues. The most important thing is getting that stasis/stability so that you can weather this roughest period as best you can. It does get better, even though it will never be the same, and even though you will struggle to see that from where you are right now.
Can confirm.
I heard of your situation from Rod Dreher, (was unaware of you previously) and immediately subscribed to support you. Why? In an analogous situation, my husband's 9-year illness impoverished us before his death. But for the grace of God and individuals who contributed, I should have been on the street. Don't lose heart. God has richly rewarded me -- above all I could have imagined. Keep the faith. If you want to hear my story, I can share it, but here's the core: God will give you what you need.
Oh man, I'm so sorry, Steve. I've been through one divorce and have been going through extreme difficulties in my current 17 year marriage (3 kids). So I know it is a pain unlike any other. I don't have many words of comfort, but know you will be win my prayers daily.
"Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to condole with him and comfort him. 12 And when they saw him from afar, they did not recognize him; and they raised their voices and wept; and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven. 13 And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great."
Wish I could just sit with you.
The Holy Bible, Revised Standard Version; Second Catholic Edition (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 2006), Job 2:11–13
Was gonna ask the same what Dave asked about donating...ok thanks for providing that link.
I don't know what to say either. You are honest in your writing, so much so that I do know that the honesty is good and good is of God and that's the thread you must follow. Praying for you and your dear family.
Words fail me here. I feel awful about all this for you and your family. I don't know where you are going or how much distance you will be traveling, but for some reason I hope you make it up to Michigan to see Fr. Joe in person. I have a feeling his friendly company would do some good for a weary soul like you. And in the unlikely event you make it out to the San Joaquin Valley you have a friendly ear to talk to with me. Always wishing you the best, - Tony 9.18.25
I'm truly sorry for what is happening, Steve, even if I'm not really surprised. So sorry that you'll have to deal with this too.
You are very talented, sensitive, and smart, Steve. It will take time and a lot of pain but there is life and there is hope!
Whatever happens and however much it hurts, above all never forget that your family loves you deeply, every single one of them, more than you know or even THEY know. It may (or not) seem normal right now, but never, ever lose sight of that later - ever.
These experiences are terribly scary, distressing and humbling, but maybe that's the medicine we most need.
And then, incredible things can start to happen - relationships grow deeper and stronger, more authentic and beautiful, little things become amazingly more meaningful...
If you take it all in, accept your vulnerability and surrender, that is.
From what I read, you're on the right path. So hang in there, Steve... you'll be ok. You will!
😌
🙏
I won't tell you "God bless you and your loved ones", but I'm thinking it very hard.
Take care.
You can certainly say it to me. I’m unsure about God, but I welcome any prayers. I actually pray a fair bit just in case he’s listening.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xh2r4m92Vls
Supertramp - Take the long way home...
Wonderful Supertramp. I'd never paid full attention to the lyrics. Powerful 😭
I'm so heartbroken for you and your family. I offer my prayers. It's all I can do in the face of tragedy. But I offer them with all the faith I can muster.
Your eloquence is rare and it gives voice to many others who suffer as you do. Where are you in NC? I have friends there who might appreciate your work.
I’m in Raleigh. And thank you.
I am so very very sorry. But keep in mind this is not the end of everything. You can still have a relationship with your kids into the future and be friends or cordial with your ex. You will get to the other side of this. But others are right. Focus on you for now. Focus on the basics. Focus on your next move. When I can help I will. Take care of you now. Breathe.
Steve, one thing I’ve noticed about this post in particular and in many of your posts is the sense of shame and self-condemnation that permeate them. As a former Catholic myself, I suffer from both of those maladies and have for practically my entire life. I’m sure you’re aware from your Catholic upbringing of a concept called “scrupulosity.” the shame in the self-condemnation might be powerful remnants. It might be something you’d want to investigate.
Steve, been a sometimes reader for years, and just bought an annual subscription. I’m so sorry. I went through a divorce in my mid 20s. That was almost 20 years ago. There were no kids, and we really didn’t own anything, so it was far less traumatic than what you are going through, and it still almost broke me. Take it one day at a time, man. The only thing I can offer is that it was from the ashes of that experience that God revealed Grace that ultimately allowed me to get out of my head and find a real faith for the first time in my life; but it hurt like hell, and the wounds still ache sometimes. Just hang in there; however black things might look right now, you can’t possibly know what good can come out of what seems like utter carnage right now. I know you’ve been struggling with your faith for years, and you don’t know me and I don’t know you (I know Rod Dreher slightly, we’re in some of the same Orthodox circles) but I encourage you to keep writing your heart out and also to read the Psalms, and especially Psalm 38 (I still cry reading David’s lament; it reads like everything I was feeling at that time, but could not express).
Thank you.
I'm very sorry to hear this. I'll stand by you as you make this journey.