Hi Steve, in AA we start every meeting with the Serenity prayer.
God grant me serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
That last part is the hardest part. Too often people want so hard to change the things they can't. Maybe not now. Maybe never. But you can't change it. That's what people struggle the most with. Acceptance is the hardest part of grief. But you have to do it. Trust us.
I felt this. My own loss was so much smaller, less time and no children, but I know something of what you're talking about. There are people who change their minds, and there are people who just... don't. And I wish I understood. What the hell is 'moving on' anyway? How do people do it?... But we have to, and in time, it starts to happen. We start to get unstuck (including, God willing, from the things we get stuck in while we're trying to get unstuck). Praying for you Steve. (I've been trying to get back to praying more these days)
You might want to try divineoffice.org (if you're Catholic or Orthodox) which is a free website and also has a cell phone app (which used to cost $15). This website helps one pray the Liturgy of the Hours (which is the official daily prayer of the RCC) because there are readers and singers doing the praying for one--I call it "praying on autopilot", which I occasionally have to resort to on busy or "spiritually dry" days. Then Father Mike Schmidt I think started "Halo" which is a phone app containing praying on autopilot. And if you're Prot, I'm sure there are many similar prayer apps and (free) praying websites. Of course, "the good stuff" is contemplation and meditation, but some days are just too hectic to sit meditating on some scriptural passage. Contemplation is simply clearing one's mind and putting oneself in God's presence. (He always shows up.) Have a piece of paper nearby, because whenever one clears one's mind of all thoughts and distractions to be available for God and God alone, at least 10 things will spring into one's mind of "things I need to do" (chores). So write all that down so one can return to a clear, relaxed mind that is open to God's loving, benificent presence. Bask in it. Now even if one doesn't sense God, He's there. How will one know? Because God is everywhere and loves ones infinitely, endlessly and one will notice how one's life starts to change (e.g., one will become less anxious and reduce bad habits like cursing (I'm still working on that last one)). One will become able to resist temptations (the seven deadly sins, etc.) with more ease. A bad mood or illness can block feeling God is present during contemplation, or one can be in a patch of "spiritual dryness," which God allows from time-to-time so that we can become more mature in the faith (i.e., not dependent on "spiritual consolations" all the time to stay faithful).
This is one of your best essays, brother. I know it’s born in pain, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. But as you say, I have to believe there is some redemptive purpose to it all. Your writing over the past month or two is making that clear. Wish I was there to give you a big hug.
"It occurred to me today that the choice to surrender what I cannot change is actually, not metaphorically, life or death. I can unclench my grip and live, or I can hold on until it buries me." This is a great insight, Steve, and beautifully written.
Twenty years ago, I was sitting in church looking at the corpus of Christ on the cross, and the way the pillars are laid out in this church, I could only see His feet and the nail going through. All of a sudden, I heard Our Lady whisper "When I stood beneath my son on the cross and saw his feet, I remembered counting His baby toes."
She doesn't just see feet. She sees a baby's toes. Because she held those feet in her hands.
I realized how much more poignant and personal her loss was! Her only child brutalized.
Our Lady knows about suffering and not being able to prevent it. She knows about the pointlessness and how it could have been prevented and about hopes being cut short and a dream dying. And because she was willing to take that, you and me get to have our kids for longer than she did.
I'm so glad you're staying with Fr. Joe.
Did you ever read C.S. Lewis "A Grief Observed"? It's probably free on archive.org. It's the book he wrote after he lost his wife, Joy Davidman, to cancer.
Of all that you have written over the course of the journey, this truly is the most touching, for lack of a better word.
If I thought for the rest of my life, I couldn't come up with any better insight, any better way to articulate what can only be described as life in this vale of tears. And many there are who experience the grief over the living, breathing death by rejection.
Free will. God will not interfere with it. With it, we can inflict horrendous suffer on others.
Most heinous is that which we choose to do to the Son held in the arms of Our Sorrowful Mother which you so vividly described.
She's Our Mother, Steve, and your every tear, every cry of anguish is kept in Her Heart.. To Her belongs the hope that is in you.
"it is a special cruelty to be forced to grieve the living"
When I first saw this Steve, I was a little put off, thinking "how dare he?" But I settled down to finish reading and came to a sort of understanding of the tragedy of a living loss. You describe it as only one who is living it can.
Turn the prayer of asking Mary to stand with you at the foot of the Cross to asking Mary to help you stand with her... Pray, hope, surrender. Fiat.
It is harder - nobody wants to talk about it - death is at least in some way public, but the death of a marriage is entirely private and personal. Nobody sends you meals or gives you time off work. The world wags on and your grief is entirely yours alone to carry without a funeral or any visible acknowledgement, and you're supposed to act like you've got this and what an exciting opportunity to travel and reinvent yourself and maybe start that small business... utter lies, utter desolation, and not even a noodle casserole or anyone to sing "Amazing Grace." You're not wrong.
I think the other thing is the lack of closure. It's why the permanence of death gives you the permission not just to grieve, but to let go.
But when the other person is living -- whether that's a spouse, a sibling, a child, a parent -- you can't stop thinking, "Maybe if I just tried again...maybe if I just found the right words...maybe if I just changed X, Y, or Z about myself..."
The fact that you COULD, hypothetically, reconcile, means you remain trapped in the possibility.
And of course, there are the others who judge you for not doing more. I just got an email five minutes ago from some guy I don't even know who told me I've abandoned my wife and need to go home. As if that's even my choice. As if I wasn't always willing to try again.
But the children probably do want you to come back. Your obligation to them is independent of whatever a spouse says or does. Children really get unnerved when there's family problems. Rattled. Potentially tempted. How do I know? Witnessing a lot of family fractures in the extended family (the children were shattered at least temporarily--teenage pregnancy, rushed marriages (which later end in early divorce), turning to bad company, going gay (mainly girls do this nowadays), drug experimentation, etc., you name it. If a kid tries what he/she thinks is a percoset or aderal (to help study or for fun or entertainment), they may end up with fentanyl. And then, too, my parents almost split when I was age 16. The family (we were 7 kids, ages 22 to, oh, 10, Our teeth were all chattering. We felt abandoned and lost at sea, because neither parent then had time for us, (they were too caught up in their own struggles.) In the end, they stayed together (thank you Jesus), but it was a very rough year or two there. Did we kids get into trouble then? You bet, including me. Maybe we all would have gotten into trouble anyway (very common in the teenage years in USA, and we were wild Irish-American kids), but fortunately, there was no fentanyl then, or I'd have probably lost one or two sibs. Pot was everywhere (this was the 70's). Well, pot is 4x stronger now, and there is an epidemic now among the young of pot psychosis, which is incurable in many cases. That's the second attachment (Evan, the kid with advanced pot psychosis). 50,000 to100,000 people die from fentanyl poisoning a year, many under the age of 20. In the time it took to write this comment, 1 - 2 person(s) on average has died from a fentanyl overdose. The first attachment is Olivia's story (fentanyl poisoning). This is a new prayer cause I've taken up (victims of fentanyl poisoning and pot psychosis).
Example of a heartbreaking fenanyl death Olivia from a destroyed parent (in tears):
Example of pot psychosis (Evan, very gifted). The child in question seems irretrivable (but God can do all things), has covered himself in tatoos from head to toe and is homeless, living in his car:
Oh, I forgot. Try roommate.com if zillow room rental ads aren't working out. And do not forget iRV2.com. I had people writing me asking to live with me (ha, no way--but it gives you an idea of "RV" roomies. Some of these RVs are enormous and quite nice). Get on some RV social media even if RVing idea leaves you cold. There are people who will take you in. It's an incredibly supportive community. But if you decide you'd like to try out buying an RV, be SURE to follow lizamazing on youtube, she has written extensively (a book you can buy) on what years, makes and models to avoid and which are good. I think an RVer would take you in (they tend to be spunky types, new pioneers). I would not touch any car or RV built in 2020, 21 or 22. CV threw everything out of whack. Also, if you go to any RV park with stationary trailers, there are often a few up for sale and you may find an owner willing to finance.
Godspeed. One "experiment" has landed kids in the morgue. ONCE. One pill. At a minimum, I'd send your HS (and older kids) a few "Texas pictures" youtubes. That will forewarn them. I've known of cases where TWO brothers died on first try of what they was told was a percoset. Dang, Steve, I cannot remember, it's a prominent lawyer type and the boys were adopted. The adopting mother was devastated. If I can find it, I will send that case to you. It was a couple of years ago. Also, there was a TX pictures case where in the SECOND experiment with the gong (the BF pressured the GF), the GF went psycho and stabbed the BF to death (and was exonerated because he pressured her so hard to use against her will). I'll find that one from TX Pictures, I'll send it--I binged watched last night these stories. I've taken this up as a prayer cause because these stories are so heart-breaking. A whole generation of kids are being killed before they get a chance at adult life. If I find the other case (2 brothers died same day, same way, on first try of "percoset" (which was fentanyl), I'll forward that as well. If you can't get there, send these cases to your teens and up (and stay in constant communication with them). This TX Pictures project is saving lives cuz word is getting out.
Steve, I have been where you are - I still revisit it sometimes. My husband left me for a coworker three years ago, a few days before Christmas. Once the shock subsided, I could not discern for a long time what a faithful response would be - it felt (and sometimes still feels) as if by letting go I am turning away from someone I must not turn away from - my vow hasn't been broken. But like you, in eighteen years of marriage I never persuaded him to do anything he didn't want to do, so I don't see any point in continuing to engage with futility. My balance has been to put it down (or leave it with God, where it always was) and just walk slowly forward as best I can, bit by bit. I walked in the dark until very recently. No slammed doors, prayers for mercy, but I am not looking for an outcome anymore, and there is peace here. May God bless you.
I am not unhappy now; I have peace, and I have a lot of freedom that I am learning to value. It does get better - keep walking, as slowly as you need to.
A book I think would be a great blessing to you is On Prayer by Saint Paisios. He describes prayer in a way I've never heard it before. The book is worth its weight in gold. You can find a copy here:
And yet, while I read your words, I was listening to a song called "Happy Today". It was just sent to me from missionaries I know. It's from the village of Miesi, Mozambique. A village that has suffered unspeakable cruelty for the last eight years. Many have been killed simply because they are Christians. And then they were hit by a cyclone that wiped away their homes and church.
They sing about returning to Jesus and finding pure joy there. Even though they have suffered greatly. They have something better to look forward to.
And while your circumstances differ greatly. You have something better to look forward to. Mary did not grieve without hope. Isaiah tells us that Jesus was a, "Man of sorrow and pain and acquainted with grief." But He did not remain there.
We are not alone. We have not been abandoned. And we have a hope.
You may not be able to sing it today. But the day is coming - because Jesus will see to it - that you too can sing "Happy Today".
Steve, I feel very badly about what you're going through as I am sure everyone in your substack does. We may not have experienced loss of the living at the intense level you are, but most "normies" nowadays are getting cancelled by people they care about deeply who are still living. I can count on my one hand the number of relatives and friends that have cut me off from them and their children and extended relatives. It doesn't sound like much (only 5 people), but each of those five people are connected to branches in the family tree that I am now cut off from, for life (it seems to be for life these days with all the acrimony). Just like that (snap the finger). Part of it is politics (people suspect I'm a Trump supporter) and part of it is rejecting my religiosity. I'm too religious for a lot of people I'm related to--they reject it on principle (they don't believe, so one better not say "God bless"). Can I ever get these people back (some relatives, whole branches of the family tree that arc out into nieces and nephews and grand nieces and nephews)? I don't think so, not on the earthly plane. I pray for all these (all my friends and relatives, living and dead) and look forward to seeing them on the other shore, where I have no doubt I will be able to reach out to them in love and understanding on the other shore, but I'm not allowed to now. Now I love them and pray for them from afar. Time heals all wounds. You'll have dreams of intense longing for that person (I've had many such dreams), but they fade in frequency and intensity over time. God helps, because God loves you with an infinite love and His love for you willl break through your conciousness and act like a healing salve in your soul. The whole society has become a "cancellation" cauldron. So it is excruciating at times, but it also becomes less painful with time because one gets used to not having that person (and all their children and children's children) in one's life. If I were you, I'd try to stay close to the kids in consistent and predictable ways. And you have to gird yourself for incrediblely awful rebuffs, indifference and downright rudeness in those efforts to establish ways to have an ongoing relationship with your eight children when the other parent will not have a relationship with one. It's sort of like: will I be allowed to do "this" (think of an effort you may be able to make to be with the children, but could be stopped in doing)? There's only one way to find out: try to, say, work out a regular visiting schedule. Well, that will be like trying to walk through a mine field to establish the where, when and how of that. So gird yourself, put on all your emotional and spiritual armor. Expect psychological "body blows". "Brace for impact" emotionally. Prayer helps, and you seem to be praying, so keep it up. Of course God hears all your prayers. God knows you better than you know yourself. He will help you, and the Virgin Mother too. Her heart was pierced with seven swords.
Hi Steve, in AA we start every meeting with the Serenity prayer.
God grant me serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
That last part is the hardest part. Too often people want so hard to change the things they can't. Maybe not now. Maybe never. But you can't change it. That's what people struggle the most with. Acceptance is the hardest part of grief. But you have to do it. Trust us.
I felt this. My own loss was so much smaller, less time and no children, but I know something of what you're talking about. There are people who change their minds, and there are people who just... don't. And I wish I understood. What the hell is 'moving on' anyway? How do people do it?... But we have to, and in time, it starts to happen. We start to get unstuck (including, God willing, from the things we get stuck in while we're trying to get unstuck). Praying for you Steve. (I've been trying to get back to praying more these days)
You might want to try divineoffice.org (if you're Catholic or Orthodox) which is a free website and also has a cell phone app (which used to cost $15). This website helps one pray the Liturgy of the Hours (which is the official daily prayer of the RCC) because there are readers and singers doing the praying for one--I call it "praying on autopilot", which I occasionally have to resort to on busy or "spiritually dry" days. Then Father Mike Schmidt I think started "Halo" which is a phone app containing praying on autopilot. And if you're Prot, I'm sure there are many similar prayer apps and (free) praying websites. Of course, "the good stuff" is contemplation and meditation, but some days are just too hectic to sit meditating on some scriptural passage. Contemplation is simply clearing one's mind and putting oneself in God's presence. (He always shows up.) Have a piece of paper nearby, because whenever one clears one's mind of all thoughts and distractions to be available for God and God alone, at least 10 things will spring into one's mind of "things I need to do" (chores). So write all that down so one can return to a clear, relaxed mind that is open to God's loving, benificent presence. Bask in it. Now even if one doesn't sense God, He's there. How will one know? Because God is everywhere and loves ones infinitely, endlessly and one will notice how one's life starts to change (e.g., one will become less anxious and reduce bad habits like cursing (I'm still working on that last one)). One will become able to resist temptations (the seven deadly sins, etc.) with more ease. A bad mood or illness can block feeling God is present during contemplation, or one can be in a patch of "spiritual dryness," which God allows from time-to-time so that we can become more mature in the faith (i.e., not dependent on "spiritual consolations" all the time to stay faithful).
This is one of your best essays, brother. I know it’s born in pain, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. But as you say, I have to believe there is some redemptive purpose to it all. Your writing over the past month or two is making that clear. Wish I was there to give you a big hug.
Thank you. I know we’ve never met, but your encouragement over the past couple months has meant a lot to me. I can’t thank you enough.
I hope we can remedy that one day.
"It occurred to me today that the choice to surrender what I cannot change is actually, not metaphorically, life or death. I can unclench my grip and live, or I can hold on until it buries me." This is a great insight, Steve, and beautifully written.
Twenty years ago, I was sitting in church looking at the corpus of Christ on the cross, and the way the pillars are laid out in this church, I could only see His feet and the nail going through. All of a sudden, I heard Our Lady whisper "When I stood beneath my son on the cross and saw his feet, I remembered counting His baby toes."
She doesn't just see feet. She sees a baby's toes. Because she held those feet in her hands.
I realized how much more poignant and personal her loss was! Her only child brutalized.
Our Lady knows about suffering and not being able to prevent it. She knows about the pointlessness and how it could have been prevented and about hopes being cut short and a dream dying. And because she was willing to take that, you and me get to have our kids for longer than she did.
I'm so glad you're staying with Fr. Joe.
Did you ever read C.S. Lewis "A Grief Observed"? It's probably free on archive.org. It's the book he wrote after he lost his wife, Joy Davidman, to cancer.
Steve,
Of all that you have written over the course of the journey, this truly is the most touching, for lack of a better word.
If I thought for the rest of my life, I couldn't come up with any better insight, any better way to articulate what can only be described as life in this vale of tears. And many there are who experience the grief over the living, breathing death by rejection.
Free will. God will not interfere with it. With it, we can inflict horrendous suffer on others.
Most heinous is that which we choose to do to the Son held in the arms of Our Sorrowful Mother which you so vividly described.
She's Our Mother, Steve, and your every tear, every cry of anguish is kept in Her Heart.. To Her belongs the hope that is in you.
"it is a special cruelty to be forced to grieve the living"
When I first saw this Steve, I was a little put off, thinking "how dare he?" But I settled down to finish reading and came to a sort of understanding of the tragedy of a living loss. You describe it as only one who is living it can.
Turn the prayer of asking Mary to stand with you at the foot of the Cross to asking Mary to help you stand with her... Pray, hope, surrender. Fiat.
I realized after I finished it that it might come across the wrong way. I’m glad it made sense to you in the end.
It is harder - nobody wants to talk about it - death is at least in some way public, but the death of a marriage is entirely private and personal. Nobody sends you meals or gives you time off work. The world wags on and your grief is entirely yours alone to carry without a funeral or any visible acknowledgement, and you're supposed to act like you've got this and what an exciting opportunity to travel and reinvent yourself and maybe start that small business... utter lies, utter desolation, and not even a noodle casserole or anyone to sing "Amazing Grace." You're not wrong.
I think the other thing is the lack of closure. It's why the permanence of death gives you the permission not just to grieve, but to let go.
But when the other person is living -- whether that's a spouse, a sibling, a child, a parent -- you can't stop thinking, "Maybe if I just tried again...maybe if I just found the right words...maybe if I just changed X, Y, or Z about myself..."
The fact that you COULD, hypothetically, reconcile, means you remain trapped in the possibility.
And of course, there are the others who judge you for not doing more. I just got an email five minutes ago from some guy I don't even know who told me I've abandoned my wife and need to go home. As if that's even my choice. As if I wasn't always willing to try again.
It really is a unique kind of torture.
But the children probably do want you to come back. Your obligation to them is independent of whatever a spouse says or does. Children really get unnerved when there's family problems. Rattled. Potentially tempted. How do I know? Witnessing a lot of family fractures in the extended family (the children were shattered at least temporarily--teenage pregnancy, rushed marriages (which later end in early divorce), turning to bad company, going gay (mainly girls do this nowadays), drug experimentation, etc., you name it. If a kid tries what he/she thinks is a percoset or aderal (to help study or for fun or entertainment), they may end up with fentanyl. And then, too, my parents almost split when I was age 16. The family (we were 7 kids, ages 22 to, oh, 10, Our teeth were all chattering. We felt abandoned and lost at sea, because neither parent then had time for us, (they were too caught up in their own struggles.) In the end, they stayed together (thank you Jesus), but it was a very rough year or two there. Did we kids get into trouble then? You bet, including me. Maybe we all would have gotten into trouble anyway (very common in the teenage years in USA, and we were wild Irish-American kids), but fortunately, there was no fentanyl then, or I'd have probably lost one or two sibs. Pot was everywhere (this was the 70's). Well, pot is 4x stronger now, and there is an epidemic now among the young of pot psychosis, which is incurable in many cases. That's the second attachment (Evan, the kid with advanced pot psychosis). 50,000 to100,000 people die from fentanyl poisoning a year, many under the age of 20. In the time it took to write this comment, 1 - 2 person(s) on average has died from a fentanyl overdose. The first attachment is Olivia's story (fentanyl poisoning). This is a new prayer cause I've taken up (victims of fentanyl poisoning and pot psychosis).
Example of a heartbreaking fenanyl death Olivia from a destroyed parent (in tears):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bbVFepfZeA
Example of pot psychosis (Evan, very gifted). The child in question seems irretrivable (but God can do all things), has covered himself in tatoos from head to toe and is homeless, living in his car:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfzyO9iYyow
There’s no chance of me not living near them. I’m just trying to find something affordable and workable, and that’s proving a bit challenging.
Oh, I forgot. Try roommate.com if zillow room rental ads aren't working out. And do not forget iRV2.com. I had people writing me asking to live with me (ha, no way--but it gives you an idea of "RV" roomies. Some of these RVs are enormous and quite nice). Get on some RV social media even if RVing idea leaves you cold. There are people who will take you in. It's an incredibly supportive community. But if you decide you'd like to try out buying an RV, be SURE to follow lizamazing on youtube, she has written extensively (a book you can buy) on what years, makes and models to avoid and which are good. I think an RVer would take you in (they tend to be spunky types, new pioneers). I would not touch any car or RV built in 2020, 21 or 22. CV threw everything out of whack. Also, if you go to any RV park with stationary trailers, there are often a few up for sale and you may find an owner willing to finance.
Godspeed. One "experiment" has landed kids in the morgue. ONCE. One pill. At a minimum, I'd send your HS (and older kids) a few "Texas pictures" youtubes. That will forewarn them. I've known of cases where TWO brothers died on first try of what they was told was a percoset. Dang, Steve, I cannot remember, it's a prominent lawyer type and the boys were adopted. The adopting mother was devastated. If I can find it, I will send that case to you. It was a couple of years ago. Also, there was a TX pictures case where in the SECOND experiment with the gong (the BF pressured the GF), the GF went psycho and stabbed the BF to death (and was exonerated because he pressured her so hard to use against her will). I'll find that one from TX Pictures, I'll send it--I binged watched last night these stories. I've taken this up as a prayer cause because these stories are so heart-breaking. A whole generation of kids are being killed before they get a chance at adult life. If I find the other case (2 brothers died same day, same way, on first try of "percoset" (which was fentanyl), I'll forward that as well. If you can't get there, send these cases to your teens and up (and stay in constant communication with them). This TX Pictures project is saving lives cuz word is getting out.
Steve, I have been where you are - I still revisit it sometimes. My husband left me for a coworker three years ago, a few days before Christmas. Once the shock subsided, I could not discern for a long time what a faithful response would be - it felt (and sometimes still feels) as if by letting go I am turning away from someone I must not turn away from - my vow hasn't been broken. But like you, in eighteen years of marriage I never persuaded him to do anything he didn't want to do, so I don't see any point in continuing to engage with futility. My balance has been to put it down (or leave it with God, where it always was) and just walk slowly forward as best I can, bit by bit. I walked in the dark until very recently. No slammed doors, prayers for mercy, but I am not looking for an outcome anymore, and there is peace here. May God bless you.
I'm so sorry, Gracie.
I am not unhappy now; I have peace, and I have a lot of freedom that I am learning to value. It does get better - keep walking, as slowly as you need to.
A book I think would be a great blessing to you is On Prayer by Saint Paisios. He describes prayer in a way I've never heard it before. The book is worth its weight in gold. You can find a copy here:
https://www.holycross.org/products/vol-6-on-prayer-elder-paisios
If you can't afford a copy send me your address and I'll gladly have a copy mailed to you. Consider it an early Christmas Present!
I sit here and read your words of grief.
What does one say? What can one say?
And yet, while I read your words, I was listening to a song called "Happy Today". It was just sent to me from missionaries I know. It's from the village of Miesi, Mozambique. A village that has suffered unspeakable cruelty for the last eight years. Many have been killed simply because they are Christians. And then they were hit by a cyclone that wiped away their homes and church.
They sing about returning to Jesus and finding pure joy there. Even though they have suffered greatly. They have something better to look forward to.
And while your circumstances differ greatly. You have something better to look forward to. Mary did not grieve without hope. Isaiah tells us that Jesus was a, "Man of sorrow and pain and acquainted with grief." But He did not remain there.
We are not alone. We have not been abandoned. And we have a hope.
You may not be able to sing it today. But the day is coming - because Jesus will see to it - that you too can sing "Happy Today".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAQJ4VaUyRQ&list=PLx212wKhabIJ8l9ihfkcS8CislOSyy8SB&index=4
Steve, I feel very badly about what you're going through as I am sure everyone in your substack does. We may not have experienced loss of the living at the intense level you are, but most "normies" nowadays are getting cancelled by people they care about deeply who are still living. I can count on my one hand the number of relatives and friends that have cut me off from them and their children and extended relatives. It doesn't sound like much (only 5 people), but each of those five people are connected to branches in the family tree that I am now cut off from, for life (it seems to be for life these days with all the acrimony). Just like that (snap the finger). Part of it is politics (people suspect I'm a Trump supporter) and part of it is rejecting my religiosity. I'm too religious for a lot of people I'm related to--they reject it on principle (they don't believe, so one better not say "God bless"). Can I ever get these people back (some relatives, whole branches of the family tree that arc out into nieces and nephews and grand nieces and nephews)? I don't think so, not on the earthly plane. I pray for all these (all my friends and relatives, living and dead) and look forward to seeing them on the other shore, where I have no doubt I will be able to reach out to them in love and understanding on the other shore, but I'm not allowed to now. Now I love them and pray for them from afar. Time heals all wounds. You'll have dreams of intense longing for that person (I've had many such dreams), but they fade in frequency and intensity over time. God helps, because God loves you with an infinite love and His love for you willl break through your conciousness and act like a healing salve in your soul. The whole society has become a "cancellation" cauldron. So it is excruciating at times, but it also becomes less painful with time because one gets used to not having that person (and all their children and children's children) in one's life. If I were you, I'd try to stay close to the kids in consistent and predictable ways. And you have to gird yourself for incrediblely awful rebuffs, indifference and downright rudeness in those efforts to establish ways to have an ongoing relationship with your eight children when the other parent will not have a relationship with one. It's sort of like: will I be allowed to do "this" (think of an effort you may be able to make to be with the children, but could be stopped in doing)? There's only one way to find out: try to, say, work out a regular visiting schedule. Well, that will be like trying to walk through a mine field to establish the where, when and how of that. So gird yourself, put on all your emotional and spiritual armor. Expect psychological "body blows". "Brace for impact" emotionally. Prayer helps, and you seem to be praying, so keep it up. Of course God hears all your prayers. God knows you better than you know yourself. He will help you, and the Virgin Mother too. Her heart was pierced with seven swords.