You’re only an imposter if you’re comparing yourself to others. You just wrote a very touching, insightful article and published it. That’s pretty unique, and that’s the Steve I know. Perhaps that’s what you need to lean into…
I so agree with Anthony. You are a good man, Steve. I’m older than you and I’m in the same boat. Feeling the same emotions. I thought I would be over, or at least better, from the trauma that was my short-lived marriage and divorce. “I’m free…I’m in control now…I can pursue my dreams now” only to find I can’t remember what they are. Feeling lost, insignificant. Lacking purpose and meaning. I trust that I will come out happy in the other side one day…but when will that day be? I know exactly how you feel. Why can’t I motivate? Find the good in little things? Where did I go, for God’s sake?!? Is there something in the freaking air? Part of me thinks I am simply feeling unmoored because not only did I leave my awful marriage but the Catholic Church as well. Aside from my children, there’s nothing grounding me, and I have to find out what that is for me now.
Thank you for continuing to write despite your funk. Your writing helps me know I’m not alone and, as I have said many times, you have such a gift for articulating feelings and situations. I enjoy reading all of your writing and have recommended articles many times to my daughters and they agree. Hang in there. I know I am trying to. 🙂
I know that heavy, dreadful feeling of being a failure, or worse obsolete. That strange fog of hopelessness that follows you around all day making everything seem dull and pointless. But I can't believe these intrusive thoughts are true, or the end to the story. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I believe you will shake off those ghosts someday, and I look forward to that day very much. You're a good man, Steve. 7.10.24
You've described every day of mine in the last 2 years. I very recently read a convincing argument in a book: Our core beliefs inform our will and emotions. Our will aims for happiness always, regardless of circumstances. Our (intellective) beliefs inform our will what is to be desired in order to obtain happiness.
"Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong"
"You’ve always been nothing, and you’re always going to be nothing."
"I have nothing to offer"
These beliefs you've listed (that I also share with regards to myself) add up to: "there is nothing that I can do to be happy." So the willpower shuts down. And the emotions mourn self death. The events that follow likely affirm these beliefs and increase their conviction in the mind, leading to a vicious cycle. The APA labels this as "depression," which causes another problem. With the "depression" label, one acquires an additional erroneous belief - that diseased brain chemistry must be the problem, not erroneous core beliefs.
"You wish, not for the first time, that you weren’t such a prisoner of your emotions and fears."
We're imprisoned by our beliefs, not by emotions. Positive affirmations might feel like lies, simply because they contradict our core beliefs. Make no mistake--the beliefs I quoted above are all lies. (As an aside, if Jesus is the Truth, what then is a lie held in the mind as a core belief? And what is it that sets us free?)
So I've begun dredging my core beliefs up out of my subconscious mind and asking myself if these things are really true. And if it's not, then what is? Sometimes you don't even know what your belief is. Your conscious self-narrative might contradict what lies below. So you have to look at your actions and use inductive reasoning to determine the belief that informs the action.
Holy crap, you took the thoughts straight out of my brain! I'm about 10 years older than you, and though the thoughts don't go away, the kids eventually grow up and the pressure eases up. My five are now productive and decent adults, and the same will happen with yours. Hang in there!
Yep, been there. I get that sense sometimes when I pass lawyer billboards on the way to work. And while I have gotten better at processing compliments, part of me still doubts whether they really should apply.
The move and the temperature are getting to you. Here are my go-to's for dysthymia (which I think you're experiencing). (I frequently have dysthymia, life-long, I've developed strategies to overcome, but if one has to suffer (wait for it) "offer it up" (for me, I offer it up for the troops, who I know are suffering.)
You may find these annoying, but I lean hard on these things and hope some of them helps you or others.
1. Leaving out prayer, because I know you're not in the mood for prayer. But, for others, and maybe you later: there are varieties of prayer. When one feels "luxuriant," one luxuriates in it. (The saints call the divine riposte of "luxuriant prayer" consolations. ) In "luxuriant prayer" one really takes one's time (and God is acting on the soul in a perceptible fashion). I'm not feeling that way luxuriant lately either (in the heatwave, with way too many chores on my plate). Okay, then go to "on the hoof prayer (i.e., multitasking prayer)" (also known as praying half-assed, pardon the crudity) using the cell app ("Divine Office.org, which facilitates "praying on autopilot"). Also, just talk to God, say "I'm in a lousy mood, but I don't trust it." Cutting prayer short (I know, you don't want to hear it), there's other resources to check on prayer.
2. Keep a running written log all day long. It can be digital or on a memo pad. I swear by this. Get up, write down what hours your slept, write down anything you consume, including vitamins, meds. Weigh yourself.
3. Try to make oneself look presentable.
Now, life is full of mind-bongling chores. Make a list (a separate list). Start with the "easy chore" to loosen up (e.g., cook breakfast for you and the kiddies).
4. Keep the log going (use shorthand) all day. Say things like "took a nap 1-2:30, browsed internet 3:00-4:45," etc.
Pretty fast, you'll find yourself setting rules for yourself, even if you're depressed. They will spring into your mind. Things like: no viewing "shorts," no tick-tock, limit TV watching. No TV news.
5. If you're like most of us, there are a lot of mindless tasks that must be done, helping oneself and others, but are boring. Get ear buds. Wear one and leave other ear free. Find a youtube, any youtube that you don't find depressing or boring. Lately I've landed on "insider," and a whole bunch of "'this is how crime works" youtubes. These are really long screeds about how to be, say, a money launderer, from people who were top-level money launders (or pretending to be for the FBI), got caught ("crime doesn't pay"). These people reformed out (or were Feds, really advanced spying Feds), but only after a lot of horrendous prison time. In other words, distract yourself through the chores that are mind-numbing, but must be done (like packing moving boxes). Listening to your fav music okay, try youtube music. The AI figures out pretty fast what is your taste in music if you use "youtube music". I pay $15 a month to youtube/Google NOT to get the commercials.
I am ending here for brevity. I am getting a little concerned about you, Steve, keeping you and yours in my prayers that you get through this move and spring back in a cooler, greener place. Hang in there, "tomorrow is always another day." (Said Scarlet O'Hara at the end of "Gone with the Wind", after she finally figures out she loves Rhett, but he responds "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.")
You’re only an imposter if you’re comparing yourself to others. You just wrote a very touching, insightful article and published it. That’s pretty unique, and that’s the Steve I know. Perhaps that’s what you need to lean into…
I so agree with Anthony. You are a good man, Steve. I’m older than you and I’m in the same boat. Feeling the same emotions. I thought I would be over, or at least better, from the trauma that was my short-lived marriage and divorce. “I’m free…I’m in control now…I can pursue my dreams now” only to find I can’t remember what they are. Feeling lost, insignificant. Lacking purpose and meaning. I trust that I will come out happy in the other side one day…but when will that day be? I know exactly how you feel. Why can’t I motivate? Find the good in little things? Where did I go, for God’s sake?!? Is there something in the freaking air? Part of me thinks I am simply feeling unmoored because not only did I leave my awful marriage but the Catholic Church as well. Aside from my children, there’s nothing grounding me, and I have to find out what that is for me now.
Thank you for continuing to write despite your funk. Your writing helps me know I’m not alone and, as I have said many times, you have such a gift for articulating feelings and situations. I enjoy reading all of your writing and have recommended articles many times to my daughters and they agree. Hang in there. I know I am trying to. 🙂
Very helpful comment, thank you. I almost didn't write this one, because writing as therapy is always a bit dodgy when you actually publish.
But I know lots of folks go through this, and I thought it would maybe help to have that confirmation that "it's not just me!"
I know that heavy, dreadful feeling of being a failure, or worse obsolete. That strange fog of hopelessness that follows you around all day making everything seem dull and pointless. But I can't believe these intrusive thoughts are true, or the end to the story. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I believe you will shake off those ghosts someday, and I look forward to that day very much. You're a good man, Steve. 7.10.24
You've described every day of mine in the last 2 years. I very recently read a convincing argument in a book: Our core beliefs inform our will and emotions. Our will aims for happiness always, regardless of circumstances. Our (intellective) beliefs inform our will what is to be desired in order to obtain happiness.
"Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong"
"You’ve always been nothing, and you’re always going to be nothing."
"I have nothing to offer"
These beliefs you've listed (that I also share with regards to myself) add up to: "there is nothing that I can do to be happy." So the willpower shuts down. And the emotions mourn self death. The events that follow likely affirm these beliefs and increase their conviction in the mind, leading to a vicious cycle. The APA labels this as "depression," which causes another problem. With the "depression" label, one acquires an additional erroneous belief - that diseased brain chemistry must be the problem, not erroneous core beliefs.
"You wish, not for the first time, that you weren’t such a prisoner of your emotions and fears."
We're imprisoned by our beliefs, not by emotions. Positive affirmations might feel like lies, simply because they contradict our core beliefs. Make no mistake--the beliefs I quoted above are all lies. (As an aside, if Jesus is the Truth, what then is a lie held in the mind as a core belief? And what is it that sets us free?)
So I've begun dredging my core beliefs up out of my subconscious mind and asking myself if these things are really true. And if it's not, then what is? Sometimes you don't even know what your belief is. Your conscious self-narrative might contradict what lies below. So you have to look at your actions and use inductive reasoning to determine the belief that informs the action.
Holy crap, you took the thoughts straight out of my brain! I'm about 10 years older than you, and though the thoughts don't go away, the kids eventually grow up and the pressure eases up. My five are now productive and decent adults, and the same will happen with yours. Hang in there!
Yep, been there. I get that sense sometimes when I pass lawyer billboards on the way to work. And while I have gotten better at processing compliments, part of me still doubts whether they really should apply.
The move and the temperature are getting to you. Here are my go-to's for dysthymia (which I think you're experiencing). (I frequently have dysthymia, life-long, I've developed strategies to overcome, but if one has to suffer (wait for it) "offer it up" (for me, I offer it up for the troops, who I know are suffering.)
You may find these annoying, but I lean hard on these things and hope some of them helps you or others.
1. Leaving out prayer, because I know you're not in the mood for prayer. But, for others, and maybe you later: there are varieties of prayer. When one feels "luxuriant," one luxuriates in it. (The saints call the divine riposte of "luxuriant prayer" consolations. ) In "luxuriant prayer" one really takes one's time (and God is acting on the soul in a perceptible fashion). I'm not feeling that way luxuriant lately either (in the heatwave, with way too many chores on my plate). Okay, then go to "on the hoof prayer (i.e., multitasking prayer)" (also known as praying half-assed, pardon the crudity) using the cell app ("Divine Office.org, which facilitates "praying on autopilot"). Also, just talk to God, say "I'm in a lousy mood, but I don't trust it." Cutting prayer short (I know, you don't want to hear it), there's other resources to check on prayer.
2. Keep a running written log all day long. It can be digital or on a memo pad. I swear by this. Get up, write down what hours your slept, write down anything you consume, including vitamins, meds. Weigh yourself.
3. Try to make oneself look presentable.
Now, life is full of mind-bongling chores. Make a list (a separate list). Start with the "easy chore" to loosen up (e.g., cook breakfast for you and the kiddies).
4. Keep the log going (use shorthand) all day. Say things like "took a nap 1-2:30, browsed internet 3:00-4:45," etc.
Pretty fast, you'll find yourself setting rules for yourself, even if you're depressed. They will spring into your mind. Things like: no viewing "shorts," no tick-tock, limit TV watching. No TV news.
5. If you're like most of us, there are a lot of mindless tasks that must be done, helping oneself and others, but are boring. Get ear buds. Wear one and leave other ear free. Find a youtube, any youtube that you don't find depressing or boring. Lately I've landed on "insider," and a whole bunch of "'this is how crime works" youtubes. These are really long screeds about how to be, say, a money launderer, from people who were top-level money launders (or pretending to be for the FBI), got caught ("crime doesn't pay"). These people reformed out (or were Feds, really advanced spying Feds), but only after a lot of horrendous prison time. In other words, distract yourself through the chores that are mind-numbing, but must be done (like packing moving boxes). Listening to your fav music okay, try youtube music. The AI figures out pretty fast what is your taste in music if you use "youtube music". I pay $15 a month to youtube/Google NOT to get the commercials.
I am ending here for brevity. I am getting a little concerned about you, Steve, keeping you and yours in my prayers that you get through this move and spring back in a cooler, greener place. Hang in there, "tomorrow is always another day." (Said Scarlet O'Hara at the end of "Gone with the Wind", after she finally figures out she loves Rhett, but he responds "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.")