Seeking Wisdom if You've Got it
There’s something I’m trying to figure out, and maybe if you’re reading this you can help me.
If you’ve experienced a particular kind of grief, sometimes you feel as though any attempt to move on from the pain is a kind of betrayal of the significance of the thing.
You can feel stuck within a sense of duty to bear witness to the loss. Especially (though not necessarily) if the loss was caused not by mere happenstance or natural causes, but because of a choice -- a choice you believe was wrong.
What do you do when you know you can’t be the sin eater? When you can’t make your own hurt and dysfunction into the condensed symbol of the injustice of the thing and your protest of it without losing yourself in that, but you also know that finding some way to move on would look very much to others like the thing that happened never meant that much to you after all?
It seems to me this isn’t the kind of thing anyone can just easily figure out on their own. I need the wisdom of those who have been through it, or have found good resources to help them grapple with this.
I’m trapped in loyalty to the protest of losing my marriage and daily presence as a father in the lives of my children when I believe that it was wrong to take that away — and I want my kids to know that — but I also don’t see the good in letting the pain and emptiness of my existence without them become the final word. That’s a slippery slope to death and destruction. This is not a thing I’m at all sure I can survive if I don’t change my approach.
I need to somehow “move on” if I’m going to become a whole person again, which I need to be if I’m going to be of any use to my children as a father, but moving on in itself feels like a betrayal.
I’m not looking for casual advice here. I’m looking for what you’ve learned if you’ve gone through it. And you don’t have to put it in the comments. I’m perfectly happy to receive emails on this at steve at steveskojec dot com.
Thanks in advance.
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The first night without my kids under my roof just about killed me. I just tried to stay close by and be there for them as much as possible. The pain and bitterness has faded over time but it has changed my life permanently. My faith helped me immensely. I have good relationships with my kids now and even get to help with the grandkids. It’s easy to jump into another relationship to distract from the pain but it doesn’t really help that much in the long run. Hang in there brother.
First step for me was forgiving the ex. That was actually pretty easy because she had some issues that were beyond her control.