In the second half of life, eventually you can laugh at the coffee-soaked white shirt and say, look, I did it again. What you can't do is go back in time and undo the damage you've done by re-running the script you learned from your own Dad, who was likely only doing what he himself was taught, before we understood that demanding compliance is not the only way to be Dad. Yesterday I read Wikipedia on adaptive unconscious from a third person perspective. Today I heard it from a second person take, and then found it in myself in my first person gut check. I personally try to make it up with hugs. Just resist the temptation to try to give your kids the benefit of your hard-won insights before they're ready, before they ask. It's much like trying to tell a kid or a sibling that someone or something "isn't very good for you." They can't hear it and it only annoys them and makes them push you away.
Quick aside - I smiled at the reference to Silva in the YouTube. In 1982, Fr. Norrie Clarke, SJ, metaphysician and waterfall pilgrimage leader, recommended that a group of us undergrads take the Silva Mind-Control class with one of his grad students, Rob Jezarian. This was before centering and mindfulness had coalesced into discrete artifacts and became cultural currency. It turned out to be a lifelong blessing, giving me a tool to calm and settle my awareness if not deal with the limbic triggers lurking underneath. Things begin to change when you can draw them out into executive function awareness, as if focusing binoculars, though the resolution process sometimes takes more time.
And woe to those who instead of looking inside, choose to exercise their disquiet and desire by trying to gather and lead with threat of disaster and damnation, stoking fear and keeping others on edge with the specter of an angry, vengeful idol. I'd wager there are plenty of millstones to go around for those who know exactly what it is they do.
Kirk Martin is the family whisperer, far and the way the best parenting presenter we've ever brought to our school.
As the child of a parent who had a traumatic childhood and has a lot of difficulty regulating her emotions, I hope you realize how great it is that you are working on this for yourself and for your family.
I found that if I drank (loved whiskey), I'd always felt agitated the next day (raging temper, nervousness). So now, nothing. And no bezos--altho' they do have their time and place (better be very very temporary and rare, like once or twice a year, but for me, zero nada, never, we have a family history of huge drug tolerance (followed by suicide/accidental death). Bezos are nightmare drugs for many people (see Jordan Pederson). No one ever died from lack of sleep... Okay, so how to relax? Really hot baths, as hot as you can bear it, and planking and stretching. Hoisting weights. Try vacuuming and dusting the entire house (causes total exhaustion, but you'll sleep like a baby). Deep meditation... deep deep deep (feels like falling in love) zzzz, next thing you know it's 6 a.m., and one has fallen asleep fully dressed, including shoes!.... Takes time to learn to relax deeply and just let God sweep you away on a tsunami wave of divine LOVE. I find music is like an magical carpet ride, too. I've sent you a lot of good stuff. I'm trying to think of one I haven't sent. Ah, try Lori Carson, below. Very relaxing song--steel string guitar, cannot resist it,
In the second half of life, eventually you can laugh at the coffee-soaked white shirt and say, look, I did it again. What you can't do is go back in time and undo the damage you've done by re-running the script you learned from your own Dad, who was likely only doing what he himself was taught, before we understood that demanding compliance is not the only way to be Dad. Yesterday I read Wikipedia on adaptive unconscious from a third person perspective. Today I heard it from a second person take, and then found it in myself in my first person gut check. I personally try to make it up with hugs. Just resist the temptation to try to give your kids the benefit of your hard-won insights before they're ready, before they ask. It's much like trying to tell a kid or a sibling that someone or something "isn't very good for you." They can't hear it and it only annoys them and makes them push you away.
Quick aside - I smiled at the reference to Silva in the YouTube. In 1982, Fr. Norrie Clarke, SJ, metaphysician and waterfall pilgrimage leader, recommended that a group of us undergrads take the Silva Mind-Control class with one of his grad students, Rob Jezarian. This was before centering and mindfulness had coalesced into discrete artifacts and became cultural currency. It turned out to be a lifelong blessing, giving me a tool to calm and settle my awareness if not deal with the limbic triggers lurking underneath. Things begin to change when you can draw them out into executive function awareness, as if focusing binoculars, though the resolution process sometimes takes more time.
And woe to those who instead of looking inside, choose to exercise their disquiet and desire by trying to gather and lead with threat of disaster and damnation, stoking fear and keeping others on edge with the specter of an angry, vengeful idol. I'd wager there are plenty of millstones to go around for those who know exactly what it is they do.
Kirk Martin is the family whisperer, far and the way the best parenting presenter we've ever brought to our school.
Wonderful post, Steve.
As the child of a parent who had a traumatic childhood and has a lot of difficulty regulating her emotions, I hope you realize how great it is that you are working on this for yourself and for your family.
I found that if I drank (loved whiskey), I'd always felt agitated the next day (raging temper, nervousness). So now, nothing. And no bezos--altho' they do have their time and place (better be very very temporary and rare, like once or twice a year, but for me, zero nada, never, we have a family history of huge drug tolerance (followed by suicide/accidental death). Bezos are nightmare drugs for many people (see Jordan Pederson). No one ever died from lack of sleep... Okay, so how to relax? Really hot baths, as hot as you can bear it, and planking and stretching. Hoisting weights. Try vacuuming and dusting the entire house (causes total exhaustion, but you'll sleep like a baby). Deep meditation... deep deep deep (feels like falling in love) zzzz, next thing you know it's 6 a.m., and one has fallen asleep fully dressed, including shoes!.... Takes time to learn to relax deeply and just let God sweep you away on a tsunami wave of divine LOVE. I find music is like an magical carpet ride, too. I've sent you a lot of good stuff. I'm trying to think of one I haven't sent. Ah, try Lori Carson, below. Very relaxing song--steel string guitar, cannot resist it,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhK61-PKmOw