The Reason for the Road Trip

I'm afraid I was a little unclear.

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By the time I received a second concerned message, I realized I must be more off-kilter than I thought.

I tried to explain things clearly in my recent posts, but when I went back, I saw that I’d either unintentionally left things out, or just explained them poorly enough that they could be misinterpreted.

I gut-checked my reasoning with the friends I’m staying with, and they assured me I wasn’t being flaky. So I’m going to take one last crack at clearing things up, and then turn the page.

From the moment I knew separation from my wife was likely — months ago — we discussed the idea of me taking a trip to get some space and distance for a little while. In fact, she was the one who suggested that I travel for a bit and write while doing so. I’ve been so creatively limited since stepping down from 1P5 in 2021, it seemed like it might just be the thing to help me break through the block.

But things kept getting in the way of me actually executing that plan, and the longer I stayed, the worse things between us got.

The time apart is for both of us. We couldn’t stop tripping over each other’s wounds.

When I finally wrote about what was happening, I mentioned that I thought I would try van life for a while. The reason (which was in my original, much longer draft, but was unintentionally cut from the final version) was because I knew that I couldn’t reasonably stay with just 1 or 2 friends for as long as I needed, and because I needed to stretch my legs and my mind and take in some different scenery. Sometimes you’ve got to mix things up and break your normal routine to get a new perspective on a life that has gone sideways.

But it was always about resetting perspective. It was never about leaving for good.

Some folks seem to have gotten the idea since my last update that I was planning to be away from my kids indefinitely, and were justifiably concerned.

Let me be clear: this is not the case, and I apologize for not doing a better job of communicating that.

I just need a few weeks. The idea was to de-escalate, get out of dodge, take in some different views, breathe some fresh air, let friendship and nature do their work, and get focused on problem solving what comes next.

The van is now out of the picture because I decided to trade it in for something cheaper rather fix it up and get it road-legal and still have to deal with huge monthly payments. But I’ve got a fuel-efficient little car now instead, and a whole bunch of people who have offered me free lodging, which makes a road trip now even more feasible and cheaper than the one I had planned. I just have to connect the dots on the map.

If you’re not a road trip person, maybe you’re not familiar with the therapeutic effects of long highway drives, staying in different places, and shaking off stagnation. I’ve done more road trips than almost anyone I know, and I find that they’re good for the soul. I’ve done them alone, I’ve done them with friends, and I’ve done them with family.

I’ve racked up tens of thousands of road miles over the past 20 years. I’ve seen every state in the continental 48. My family and I have hit at least nine of the major national parks — Yellowstone, Redwoods, Grand Canyon, Petrified Forest, Badlands, Mt. Rushmore, White Sands, Shenandoah, Canyonlands — and probably more that I’ve forgotten about. These are trips that remind you of your place in the universe, the power of nature, and the miles upon miles provoke reflection and contemplation.

My plan to go West is just that. Visit some fine folks who have offered places to stay. Meet some people I’ve only had the chance to know online — some of them for years. Hit a few more of the parks on my list. Make a U-turn after I hit the Pacific coast and head back towards home.

Beauty, as a wise man once put it, is a salve. “Touching grass,” as the kids like to say, is too.

The most challenging decision I face in the immediate future is whether to do the most obvious thing and get a place very close to my kids, in the city of Raleigh, knowing that I have no friends there and will be totally isolated most of the time, or to move a few hours’ drive away to Virginia where I have friends I can see with some regularity, but still visit my kids somewhat frequently, too.

Each choice has a major downside.

This is one of the big things I have to figure out. And to do that, I need time and opportunity to think it over. I don’t problem solve by focusing on a crisis directly. I do it by focusing on other things and letting my subconscious cook in the background. And I bounce things off of other people to get their perspective as well.

There is no version of this story where I am not a part of my children’s lives. I’m not planning to just traipse around indefinitely “finding myself.” I know how to do this on the cheap. The money people have given to me is absolutely going to a) helping my family and b) helping me get re-established and to build my income from written and other online content, because I’ll be damned if I am going to work at a grocery store for years to come.

I am a writer. I’ve been a writer for nearly 20 years. I used to make a pretty good living doing it, and I just need to figure out the right way to do that again. It’s what I’m best at. It’s the skillset I’ve spent decades perfecting. If I’ve got to get some other crappy gig to make ends meet until I make this into a livable income again, fine. But this — the collected efforts I’ll be putting into the Substack, hopefully a couple of books, some other freelance writing work, and a new podcast that’s already in development — is the primary goal. I know from experience that I’ll be miserable doing anything else, and that I tend to be successful when I go all-in on what I’m good at and love doing.

And I can do this kind of work from anywhere. I am writing this right now from a spare room at a friend’s house. I’ve got a laptop, internet, fingers to type with, and a quasi-functional brain. These are the tools of my trade. I don’t need to be in a specific location for this for the next few weeks.

This journey has an end not too far down the road. The specific date just hasn’t been put on the calendar yet. Barring something unforeseen, it’ll almost certainly be before the end of October, possibly even sooner.

This is probably also a good time to re-iterate the whole “off-kilter” thing I mentioned at the beginning of this post. I’m more OK than I thought I would be, but not great. I’m still struggling with processing all of this. I'm not in an optimal planning mindset. I can’t see where the future is taking me beyond the next 24 hours. I need time to sort myself out. I’m not a great planner under the best of conditions, and these are not the best of conditions.

So it’s entirely possible that I’ll do this trip out West in the hopes it’ll help.

And it’s also entirely possible that I’ll get cold feet and change my mind and not do it.

My focus is on today. Right now, I’m not ready to leave where I am. Right now I’m enjoying the company I’m in, and the stability of being in one place for a few days.

I won’t know the next step until I know.

Many of you helped to give me some desperately-needed financial breathing room, and I’ll be forever grateful for that. You are very understandably invested in the outcome of that, but I’m asking for some patience. I’m in the fog of war at the moment. I’ve lost everything I care about in the past five years, and I’m surprised I’m even still standing. The stats are not in my favor.

I’m highly likely to make some mistakes, considering the circumstances. But I’m going to do my level best to keep them from being egregious.

I’ll repeat something I’ve said before: the worst thing I could do right now is be totally alone. I may have no choice soon, but while everything is still fresh, it’s a bad idea. A recipe for rumination and despair.

On the other hand, the best thing I’ve done is to swallow my pride and let people who want to help me actually help. I was hiding my shame from my friends. But the love and concern and generosity of others has saved me from the deepest despair I’ve ever felt. Just two weeks ago I’d have never believed I could have been anything but a total wreck. I felt like I was literally dying — and there’s a reason for that. They say your nervous system can’t tell the difference between the loss of a lifelong pair bond and an actual threat to your life. The people who have shown up for me and believed in me have done a great deal to quell my panic and set my feet on solid ground.

As I try to make the right choice on how to proceed, my goal is to get as mentally and emotionally ready as I can, and and that’s what this interim period is about. Doing meaningful work is going to be an important part of surviving this, and I need to get my head on straight. I’ve gut-checked that with others who know all the details, and they agree.

I’ve brought all of you into the personal details of my life by writing about this and asking for help, but please understand that this is the last time I intend to address this so directly. My goal from here on out is to write about the experiences I’m having on the road, the things I’m learning along the way, and anything that could relate to others going through something similar.

I hope you’ll stick with me for the journey.

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