Wow! This is definitely one of your best and most powerful pieces. Thanks for being so honest about yourself and your struggles. Thanks as well for the recommendations regarding books and YouTube.
My mom was, in the common estimation of my late older brother and myself, "good" 80% of the time, and "hell on wheels" 20%. The latter mode was characterized by rage, colorful cursing, and insults directed at my dad, brother, and me. She had an alcoholic father and grew up during the Great Depression. Her mother also alternated between sweetness and being a total bitch.
My dad lost both of his parents by the age of 13. His immigrant grandparents could only afford to take in his sister and so he and his brother spent their teens going from one foster home to another. After high school he fought in the Pacific during WW II. Thanks to the GI Bill and a good IQ he was able to get a university education and ended up teaching in college. He was a kind man but rarely spoke at any length, and was emotionally subdued.
Clearly both my parents were traumatized. Sadly, and without malice, they passed trauma on to my brother and me. When I read the list of disfunctional behaviors that you want to understand and overcome, I said "check" to most every one.
In the past most people "white knuckled" their way through life, bearing the pain of trauma silently, but at what price? You mentioned alcohol abuse, among other thing. I would add wasted potential. So many people were too damaged to develop or use their gifts and talents. Also, I think of all the sadness and inner torment that might otherwise have been resolved.
I'm very thankful for a good network of support, and what I believe to be the help of God, in navigating my inner storms and trials, and living a productive life. However, I can't help but wonder how much more productive I could have been without the emotional/ mental shit storms.
Just want to say you should be really proud of choosing to heal and to face your wounds and recognize the effects on others. There are so many people who never do that- so even though it's a lifelong process, the most important part is already done, which is self- awareness.
For about 25 years of my life, my dad's younger sister treated me like a piece of shit because her father had the audacity to not beat me. Not only did she think she was entitled to mistreat me she also blamed me. After my father died I never spoke to her again. My father rarely ever defended me and never really allowed me to defend myself because he didn't want to hear the noise. He was really a coward because my grandfather had taken a lot of my dad and his sisters. My grandfather was strict and you couldn't really act like a kid but he left me alone. I know I should probably be angry with my grandfather but I'm not. He was a good provider but a lousy father and husband. The person I'm angry with is my aunt. She knew it was wrong to mistreat a person but she purposely did it to feel good.
My aunt interfered so much in my life. I wish I had stood up for myself. I wish I had never listened to her. Her advice was always terrible and she was always a bully and coercive. Now, after so many years, I sit and wonder how I can heal some of the damage. I've screwed up my life so much by making bad career choices. My aunt just pressured me constantly and I can't help but wonder if she had just backed off if things could have turned out a little better and easier. Now I'm disabled and I can't do the things I want.
I know not everyone has it easy but does everyone come from abusive families? Are there no families who watch out for each other without shitting on everyone?
Once again I admire your rawness, Steve. Your ability to pinpoint issues and articulate the root causes and possible changes necessary is impressive. While implementing change is difficult, to at least be recognizing the psychological impacts and pondering the deeper effects is more than what in my estimation 90% of average men do. Most don’t give a shit what makes them tick, and I know my dad didn’t. I never ever heard him apologize and if my mom were alive today, I’m pretty sure she would say that in their 55 years of marriage he never attempted to change and certainly never talked about it. How do we break the cycle? I believe obviously awareness is first and then desire. Where do good and loving and validating people come from? Some I believe are frankly for whatever reason born that way, and God bless them but for those who struggle, I believe awareness was key and small conscious changes have turned into bigger changes for me over time. Ghandi’s quote has always been a mantra for me...”be the change you want to see in the world”. I learned to stop waiting and hoping for people to “be a certain way” or do a certain thing. That’s out of my control and I cannot change the past. If I want the world to be loving and kind, I first have to be loving and kind. It takes one person at a time, becoming aware and deciding to change. It’s possible, I know it is. I trust it is for you, too. Thank you, as always for sharing yourself with us. I think you are gifted and amazing!
You'd love DBT. The DBT program is usually like an intensive 12 weeks (time limited), goes through four modules that address a lot of the areas you bring up as difficult to unravel and is entirely skills based, which means you are connecting behavior A to skill B, and you can practice that skill and then deploy it when you've met a certain set of parameters (like you've noticed you're suddenly a 7 out of 10 on the anger scale and you have no idea what happened). Oddly enough, I believe the Wise Teens program Schrier cites is a DBT program, but the protocol was originally designed for people with emotional problems, not just your average teen, so while it might not work for them, it may be helpful for you (or me, or specific people struggling with serious emotional regulation issues). DBT resources are also widely available online, and while not as great as doing a program its still awesome to have in your back pocket.
I feel like a weird therapy pusher when I talk about DBT but it's only because I walked this walk myself and man oh man did DBT turn my life around (as someone who also had serious emotional regulation and distress tolerance issues).
Also, love the splinter analogy and so glad you're grappling with this, especially trying to point out that there's obviously a middle ground between obsessing over one's experience to the point of insanity and just ignoring it until you break.
Well I have never experienced trauma at this level, but i would say I've experienced a lot of rejection. If I were you, I would absolutely get off any psycho drugs or alcohol. I will not take a prescription tranquilizer. I will not take a drink. I do not care if i am awake all night, I will not do ambien. No benzos.
I have tried melatonin, but very low dose (like 1.5 milligram per nite). It does seem to help with insomnia.
I find weight lifting (light weights with lots of reps) a stress buster. Also stretching. Planking is very stress-busting I find. I do modified planks. It is sort of like striking a pose (say, an arabesque) and holding it for as long as you can.
If I find I am procrastinating, I start with a small easy tasks. Make a to-do list, and keep coming back to it. Whatever one can't do in first day, moves to the next. Keep a tablet handy with your to-do list. Keep a journal.
If you are caring for a lot of children, it is unavoidable that one cannot get many things done. Forgive yourself for that. Go back and rescue the little child in your memory from that abuse. In other words, be your own kind father to the abused child of memory in your mind.
Prayer is key. A parent has to pray on the hoof. And I don't mean necessarily saying hours of "vocal (formulaic) prayer"--just talk to God in your mind, and He will comfort you. That has been my experience. If I'm having psychic pain (Depression) I offer it up. If it gets really bad, I lay down on the bed or on a yoga mat on the floor, and let the kids just pal around with you.
I find music relieves stress. The problem is, one man's favorite song does nothing for another man. But whatever music lightens your mood, play it and try to sing along a little bit. I find Beethoven's 9th symphony absolutely gorgeous. And to think, Beethoven wrote that deaf! Unbelievable!
I try not to replay in my mind the awful stuff that has been done to me. So mind your thoughts. You cannot drive out one thought without having a lovely thought "standing by" (can be a lovely scene from a book or movie).
See if you like this song. I find it very cheerful. It's "singable":
Here's a song by Snow Patrol about battling private demons (especially mental/emotional struggles and/or addiction struggles). Gary Lightbody (the lead singer) has fought off personal demons (listen to his interviews, which are quite inspiring).
Wow! This is definitely one of your best and most powerful pieces. Thanks for being so honest about yourself and your struggles. Thanks as well for the recommendations regarding books and YouTube.
My mom was, in the common estimation of my late older brother and myself, "good" 80% of the time, and "hell on wheels" 20%. The latter mode was characterized by rage, colorful cursing, and insults directed at my dad, brother, and me. She had an alcoholic father and grew up during the Great Depression. Her mother also alternated between sweetness and being a total bitch.
My dad lost both of his parents by the age of 13. His immigrant grandparents could only afford to take in his sister and so he and his brother spent their teens going from one foster home to another. After high school he fought in the Pacific during WW II. Thanks to the GI Bill and a good IQ he was able to get a university education and ended up teaching in college. He was a kind man but rarely spoke at any length, and was emotionally subdued.
Clearly both my parents were traumatized. Sadly, and without malice, they passed trauma on to my brother and me. When I read the list of disfunctional behaviors that you want to understand and overcome, I said "check" to most every one.
In the past most people "white knuckled" their way through life, bearing the pain of trauma silently, but at what price? You mentioned alcohol abuse, among other thing. I would add wasted potential. So many people were too damaged to develop or use their gifts and talents. Also, I think of all the sadness and inner torment that might otherwise have been resolved.
I'm very thankful for a good network of support, and what I believe to be the help of God, in navigating my inner storms and trials, and living a productive life. However, I can't help but wonder how much more productive I could have been without the emotional/ mental shit storms.
Just want to say you should be really proud of choosing to heal and to face your wounds and recognize the effects on others. There are so many people who never do that- so even though it's a lifelong process, the most important part is already done, which is self- awareness.
For about 25 years of my life, my dad's younger sister treated me like a piece of shit because her father had the audacity to not beat me. Not only did she think she was entitled to mistreat me she also blamed me. After my father died I never spoke to her again. My father rarely ever defended me and never really allowed me to defend myself because he didn't want to hear the noise. He was really a coward because my grandfather had taken a lot of my dad and his sisters. My grandfather was strict and you couldn't really act like a kid but he left me alone. I know I should probably be angry with my grandfather but I'm not. He was a good provider but a lousy father and husband. The person I'm angry with is my aunt. She knew it was wrong to mistreat a person but she purposely did it to feel good.
My aunt interfered so much in my life. I wish I had stood up for myself. I wish I had never listened to her. Her advice was always terrible and she was always a bully and coercive. Now, after so many years, I sit and wonder how I can heal some of the damage. I've screwed up my life so much by making bad career choices. My aunt just pressured me constantly and I can't help but wonder if she had just backed off if things could have turned out a little better and easier. Now I'm disabled and I can't do the things I want.
I know not everyone has it easy but does everyone come from abusive families? Are there no families who watch out for each other without shitting on everyone?
Once again I admire your rawness, Steve. Your ability to pinpoint issues and articulate the root causes and possible changes necessary is impressive. While implementing change is difficult, to at least be recognizing the psychological impacts and pondering the deeper effects is more than what in my estimation 90% of average men do. Most don’t give a shit what makes them tick, and I know my dad didn’t. I never ever heard him apologize and if my mom were alive today, I’m pretty sure she would say that in their 55 years of marriage he never attempted to change and certainly never talked about it. How do we break the cycle? I believe obviously awareness is first and then desire. Where do good and loving and validating people come from? Some I believe are frankly for whatever reason born that way, and God bless them but for those who struggle, I believe awareness was key and small conscious changes have turned into bigger changes for me over time. Ghandi’s quote has always been a mantra for me...”be the change you want to see in the world”. I learned to stop waiting and hoping for people to “be a certain way” or do a certain thing. That’s out of my control and I cannot change the past. If I want the world to be loving and kind, I first have to be loving and kind. It takes one person at a time, becoming aware and deciding to change. It’s possible, I know it is. I trust it is for you, too. Thank you, as always for sharing yourself with us. I think you are gifted and amazing!
You'd love DBT. The DBT program is usually like an intensive 12 weeks (time limited), goes through four modules that address a lot of the areas you bring up as difficult to unravel and is entirely skills based, which means you are connecting behavior A to skill B, and you can practice that skill and then deploy it when you've met a certain set of parameters (like you've noticed you're suddenly a 7 out of 10 on the anger scale and you have no idea what happened). Oddly enough, I believe the Wise Teens program Schrier cites is a DBT program, but the protocol was originally designed for people with emotional problems, not just your average teen, so while it might not work for them, it may be helpful for you (or me, or specific people struggling with serious emotional regulation issues). DBT resources are also widely available online, and while not as great as doing a program its still awesome to have in your back pocket.
I feel like a weird therapy pusher when I talk about DBT but it's only because I walked this walk myself and man oh man did DBT turn my life around (as someone who also had serious emotional regulation and distress tolerance issues).
Also, love the splinter analogy and so glad you're grappling with this, especially trying to point out that there's obviously a middle ground between obsessing over one's experience to the point of insanity and just ignoring it until you break.
Well I have never experienced trauma at this level, but i would say I've experienced a lot of rejection. If I were you, I would absolutely get off any psycho drugs or alcohol. I will not take a prescription tranquilizer. I will not take a drink. I do not care if i am awake all night, I will not do ambien. No benzos.
I have tried melatonin, but very low dose (like 1.5 milligram per nite). It does seem to help with insomnia.
I find weight lifting (light weights with lots of reps) a stress buster. Also stretching. Planking is very stress-busting I find. I do modified planks. It is sort of like striking a pose (say, an arabesque) and holding it for as long as you can.
If I find I am procrastinating, I start with a small easy tasks. Make a to-do list, and keep coming back to it. Whatever one can't do in first day, moves to the next. Keep a tablet handy with your to-do list. Keep a journal.
If you are caring for a lot of children, it is unavoidable that one cannot get many things done. Forgive yourself for that. Go back and rescue the little child in your memory from that abuse. In other words, be your own kind father to the abused child of memory in your mind.
Prayer is key. A parent has to pray on the hoof. And I don't mean necessarily saying hours of "vocal (formulaic) prayer"--just talk to God in your mind, and He will comfort you. That has been my experience. If I'm having psychic pain (Depression) I offer it up. If it gets really bad, I lay down on the bed or on a yoga mat on the floor, and let the kids just pal around with you.
I find music relieves stress. The problem is, one man's favorite song does nothing for another man. But whatever music lightens your mood, play it and try to sing along a little bit. I find Beethoven's 9th symphony absolutely gorgeous. And to think, Beethoven wrote that deaf! Unbelievable!
I try not to replay in my mind the awful stuff that has been done to me. So mind your thoughts. You cannot drive out one thought without having a lovely thought "standing by" (can be a lovely scene from a book or movie).
See if you like this song. I find it very cheerful. It's "singable":
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9-IyAqsn9k
Here's a song by Snow Patrol about battling private demons (especially mental/emotional struggles and/or addiction struggles). Gary Lightbody (the lead singer) has fought off personal demons (listen to his interviews, which are quite inspiring).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUaVhMjlPZg&list=RDJUaVhMjlPZg&start_radio=1